h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Extract from My Sci-Fi Novel; Feedback Welcome - A2653229
Author: Baryonic Being -- U717892, a place to work collaboratively; the Hitchhiker's Hotel, A2411191. - U234603

This is the beginning of the first chapter of my prospective sci-fi novel. The full novel is over 75 000 words long, but to start, I would appreciate feedback on this beginning.

The appropriate genres are sci-fi and humour. I have not yet thought of a title for the book, however.

Thank you!

Hiya BB!

First off, I rather like this as a beginning. You got the fear factor, and the job conundrum in quickly; and followed up with the mystery man quite well.

I almost wonder if it might not be coming together a bitt too quickly, but that will depend on your future development. You can always come back with a little fill-in if you think it needs it.

I would suggest that Oberon be given a last name (or a first name?) early on, so that you have more than 'Oberon' and 'he' with which to work.

A few things I thought about:

It sounded ominously like evening or night, yet it turns out to be lunchtime. Perhaps you could mention it up front.

I wondered about the 'water' choice, as he was 'shivering' at the time. Perhaps he's a tea-totaler.

He had just brought home 'essential food' and was shaken by the imagined stalking, so I found it odd that he would immediately head out for lunch.

It might be good to mention whether or not the 'polite man' was a good tipper.

Keep it up! Most interesting, this!

I liked it - the atmosphere is good, and the tension builds well. I agree with Fordstowel about the names though, I did find myself counting how many times the word Oberon had been used in each paragraph as I read it, mind you I've always had a similar problem with anything I've written...

Nice plot though, I'd be keen to see how it progressed. Keep up the good work!


DL

He was paying no attention to the fireplace whatsoever.


75,000 words? Did you go back and revise the beginning or is this indicative of the first draft?

Where is this fellow from?
After five years, he acts like a stranger.

It certainly has tension, but I think the paragraphs a little bitty.

Thanks for all your feedback...

FordsTowel: I have made some alterations to the text, so that his surname is presented. There is also a paragraph about Oberon's personality in general that I have added, but when I describe people I often tend to write in an overly Victorian style; do you think that this is evident? I have also made the lunch at the cafe occur on a weekend afternoon, so there is now no need for alcohol.

Daily Llama: I shall add a bit more of the first chapter once I have a good amount feedback on this part. Do you think I should add each extract as a separate entry?

I didn't know stupidity...: I am not quite sure what you mean. He was paying no attention to the fireplace because he was thinking very hard. It is true that the entire novel is about 75 000 words, yes. This extract comes from the third draft. It does mention where the fellow is from.

Rosemary: The only way to cure bitty paragraphs is to make them longer, and this would probably be to add content for quantity's sake. Besides, presentation differs in different formatting styles.


Well, I am glad I have had such positive responses. Thank you.

BB, glad you appreciated the suggestion, although I suspect the last name would have come up elsewhere in the 75,000 words.

If this is indeed the opening, I would suggest that the line in that first paragraph be changed from: "Oberon was in a panicky dilemma." to 'Oberon Furrow was in a panicky dilemma.', to get the surname in earlier.

I presume the paragraph that concerned you was:
'Oberon Furrow was an educated man, yet so disrespected because of his profession. He was of a nervous disposition and was not a man of notable dexterity as far as his hands were concerned, for he spent a considerable amount of time in social situations wondering where to put them. He could speak conversational German, but did not have much of an opportunity to use this skill; and he was mathematically adept as well as being a keen learner of English language and literature, such that he had always been the subject of some schoolroom teasing. Even with great intellectual potential, the man was continually ostracised, and hence at the age of twenty-five he was now an unemployed bachelor.'

I think that the style is fine; fresh and a good 'voice'. It does raise inevitable questions such as 'why is his profession a cause for being disrespected?'

Perhaps you could change 'keen learner of...' to 'keen student of...'.

Lastly, there are plenty of women who respect intellect, and he had been employed. One wonders what other 'limitations' he had, socially or physically, that made him such a pariah, if his intent had been to be married?

Please be sure to let us know when you no longer desire responses.

Good Luck,

"I suspect the last name would have come up elsewhere in the 75,000 words."

It did. On page 9.

"If this is indeed the opening, I would suggest that the line in that first paragraph be changed from: "Oberon was in a panicky dilemma." to 'Oberon Furrow was in a panicky dilemma.', to get the surname in earlier."

Done!

"I presume the paragraph that concerned you was:
'Oberon Furrow was an educated man...'"

It was.

"I think that the style is fine; fresh and a good 'voice'. It does raise inevitable questions such as 'why is his profession a cause for being disrespected?'"

Thank you. A lot of people seem not to like accountants; I can't imagine why. And for the particular 'tone' of the book that I am trying to convey, it is necessary for educated people to be discriminated (you may see why if/when you read more of the story). I am not sure whether this should be mentioned earlier, but the novel is set in the year 2016 - not too far in the future but significant nonetheless to the plot.

"Perhaps you could change 'keen learner of...' to 'keen student of...'"

Done. Good idea.

"Lastly, there are plenty of women who respect intellect, and he had been employed. One wonders what other 'limitations' he had, socially or physically, that made him such a pariah, if his intent had been to be married?"

He has no particular intent to be married, and the rest of the book is concerned largely with men. I use the word 'bachelor' only to make sure that it is clear that he is one, since he is. This establishment of Oberon's situation and personality affects Oberon's reactions to things later on, I suppose, but it is still a sci-fi story and nothing much more. Whether this is a downfall of the novel I do not know.

"Please be sure to let us know when you no longer desire responses."

Please continue responding! Your suggestions are very worthwhile and I welcome all such constructive responses. Obviously there is no point in over-labouring this tiny part of the story, but the beginnings are of top-priority in captivating the attention of the audience, after all.

On the contrary, if you become sick of this bit of the story do tell me to post the next page or two.

Thank you very much once more (I shall be certain to mention you in the acknowledgements if I need to).

BB, I am of course encouraged that you appreciate constructive feedback. (Whether you find it fits your needs or not is always up to you.)

My only remaining suggestion for the paragraph would be something along the line of:
*Even with great intellectual potential, the man was continually ostracised, and hence at the age of twenty-five he was now an unemployed bachelor.*
'... the man was continually ostracised as dry, uninteresting and humourless; hence at the age of twenty-five ...'

You should choose adjectives that you feel fit your character and the narrative, but that's the idea.

"...the man was continually ostracised as old-fashioned, accident-prone and too industrious for his own good; hence..."

Another excellent suggestion.

It has occurred to me that there are three things that I really need to address before I attempt to get this novel published, and as you read parts of it, I wonder if - in your infinite wisdom - you could help...

Firstly I haven't a clue what title to give the book; obviously you couldn't think of one based on this extract but if anything occurs to you that would be very helpful.

Secondly I am unsure of what 'audience' to aim this book at. Without wanting to spoil anything, there are few things in this book that particularly constitute 'adult' content, and so I was wondering if it ought to be aimed at the teenage/sci-fi market.

Thirdly, I can't remember what the third thing was... so if you can think of a third thing then please tell me!

Perhaps I can help with these minor points!
You see, I'm more than a little psychic, so here goes:
1. Hmmm,... I see the title clearly. Yes, I can make out the whole thing; ... but I think I've gone forward a little too far, as it seems to be in an alien alphabet that I cannot read or reproduce ...
2. Well, I've already seen who your ultimate audience is. ... It's not a pretty sight. Meanwhile, don't dumb it down too much. Teenagers aren't the readers they once were, and most of them will download it for free when they do.
3. Ah, you meant to ask about publisher rights, or trustworthy publishers; but the way you had phrased the question, the answer comes out 'green 7'.

Three for three! I'm on a roll!

Later BB, and good luck with the book!

Thank you. I think I was simply thinking aloud with those questions as I know it is impossible to answer them with this extract.

Hi, BB. Actually, my nickname is buried in the banner. It's (egnever lisnot), but most people call me TR.

Since I, too, am struggling with a third draft on one norvel and a first on another, I think it would be unfair for me to chime in with the civilians (not to insult anyone who is on their second draft).

If you choose to have a one on one grousefest on another thread, let me know and we can take the gloves off.

That's very kind of you.
What genre are your own novels then?

Satirical Hard Sic Fic with a liberal sprinkling of magic.

Sounds good. You haven't posted any of it to the AWW yourself then?

Umm, no, because of the copyright issue.
"Remember, when you contribute to the Guide you are giving the BBC permission to use your contribution in a variety of ways. See the Terms of use http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/Terms
for more information."

When I post anything on H2G2 I am resigned to the fact that I am giving the BBC use of it and that if I choose to publish said anything later, I will have to note the fact that it was previously serialized on a BBC website.
There haven't been any real conflicts for researchers yet that I know of, but it don't hurt to be careful.

Anyway, I have cranked out reams of stuff, fictional and otherwise,
on this site. Anyone who visits the entry list of my personal space who doesn't get a sense of my writing style hasn't really been paying
attention.

I'm thinking of writing a novel specifically for H2g2, though.

As far as I know, we do still own the copyright to our works, but since I don't think I will be receiving much more feedback on this particular small extract (after what great suggestions I've had so far) anyway, I think I ought to remove it...

As you wish.