h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A couple of weeks ago, my mobile contract was due to end. I rang the Carphone Warehouse to get an upgrade. Spoke to someone who seemed to know what they were talking about and ordered my new mobile.

I wanted to change my tariff and the person said that that was fine, but I wouldn't be able to keep my mobile number. I'd had a bit to drink before ringing the shop and didn't really question it.

The mobile I wanted wasn't in stock and I received it on Monday with the new sim card.

I put the sim card in and got the message: "Inactive sim". Couple of days later, the message was still there. I rang Carphone Warehouse to sort the problem out and the person said that it could take a couple of days for the account to be activated.

So I wait a bit longer and when the sim still isn't active on Thursday, I ring again. This time the person says that it's because Vodafone haven't got all my details, postcode and the like. They email the details to Vodafone and say that my sim should be working on Friday morning.

Friday morning comes and goes. Sim still says that it doesn't like me. I point a shotgun at it and ask it to take a bite of peach.

An hour ago, I rang the Carphone Warehouse once again. Go through a bunch of: "Press 2 for blah-dy blah" messages. (Not too professional) They say that they can't do anything about it and put me through to Vodafone. The first person I spoke to there was completely confused as to what had happened to my account. Got put on hold for five minutes while he double clicked his mouse and drew a sheep on a post it note.

*Click* He gets back to me and apologised, then asked if it was an upgrade or a new account. I tell him that I wanted an upgrade but as I was given a new number, suppose it's a new account. He puts me on hold again.

Greensleeves.

*Beep*

I look at my phone. Battery has died. I run around for a bit trying to find the charger, ring my brother and he walks me through the mess of his room until I find it. Plug the phone in and ring back the Carphone Warehouse, asking to be put through to the department in Vodafone that I spoke to before, the one dealing with activating sim cards.

They put me through, I ask for Richard, the bloke I was speaking to five minutes ago. She says there is no Richard in that department. I go through the whole story again and she says that I've been put on a new contract, but hers isn't the department that deals with that.

She puts me through to the correct department. I listen to greensleeves for another ten minutes. Eventually I hear a click. "Hello?" There's nobody there. I listen to people chatting and laughing then put the phone down.

Right. I ring Vodafone directly this time. I go through the story once again to another confused person. She asks for my customer reference and mobile number. I give them to her and she says that she can't access any of my details, only Carphone Warehouse can.

The last two people that I spoke to at Vodafone could access my details! She tells me that I'll have to ring Carphone Warehouse and get them to sort it out. I did that in the first place and they put me through to Vodafone!

She's confused as to why I've been given a new mobile number if I was already on Vodafone in the first place. Tells me that I should take the phone back to the shop and ask to cancel the contract, then ask for the phone again and to keep the same number.

I was a bit miffed at the actual mobile that I got too. So now I'm off to look at what else I could get.

I scribble rubbish when I'm on the phone. I've just looked at what I've doodled on the Vodafone terms & conditions leaflet. There's a few variations of Vodafones "Press 3 for..." options, a Carphone Warehouse grave, me in a steamroller from hell and a note to attack someone with sharpened sim cards.

Sorry, I got distracted around about sentence 2...please hold and an operator will be with you shortly......Your journal is very important to us...you are 3897 in the queue...please wait while Mrs Bojangles has another cigarette....she cares very much about your journal...

Right. The facts.

You *can* keep your old number, even now, and anyone who tells you different is plain wrong. Tell them so, and repeat it until they admit you're right.

More soon.

RF

Sorry. the crapness of mobile phone company's customer service departments make me really

RF

As I understand it, your contract is with Carphone Warehouse? If so, *they* *must* sort the problem out. If they tell you to call Vodafone, say to them "No, *YOU* call Vodafone and sort it out". Agreea time that they will call you back with a resolution, and call them and ask for the resolution if they're late by more than 5 minutes.

RF

Have you finished yet?

I'm not talking to you Mrs B, pidgeon killer.

I thought that it was odd when he told me I wouldn't be able to keep my old number because I wanted a different tariff. But as I said, I'd had a bit to drink.

The last person that I spoke to at Vodafone said that the Carphone Warehouse were wrong when they told me that.

I've not been that pissed off in a long time. The way that they kept trying to palm me off onto other people all the time. You'd think that after I'd explained the situation to one person, if they were going to transfer me somewhere else then they should explain to the other person what the problem was, instead of me having to go through the whole shebang again and have to answer all the same questions.

I've only had one problem with Carphone before and that was years ago, so thought I'd be alright.

I'm going to take the thing back on Monday.

I had to skip some of that because it was too much like phoning up one of those places and I was getting all flustered!

It might help if you go down to a carphone shop and demand that someone there sorts it all out. It’s harder to fob someone off when they’re in your face instead of at the end of a phoneline.

My contract went up for renewal last month and I just can’t be arsed after reading all that.

Ah see, there lies a problem. It's easy for me to get a bit uppity and pushy with someone over the phone, but if it's face to face then I'll probably end up coming home with the same phone and sim card. Possibly a plushie Mowblie too.

Do. Take it back. Tell them that you're not happy with their service, as well...that'll really piss thyem off!

Then go find the same phone at another network's shop (I'd tend to go into their own shop, rather than a third party...Crapphone Warehouse do *not* act in your interest, they only pick the network that will pay them the most commission), complain endlessly about the crap service you get from Voda and Crapphone, they'll bend over backwards* to help you!

RF

* Not literally. Individual sales reps may vary. Other networks are available. You may experience differences in normality levels. Contents may have settled during transit.

Shame you can't take RF with you. Sounds like the very fellow to have around with rubbish customer service bods. I was actually quite scared there for a minute and almost offered you a full refund myself...and I didn't even sell you the phone!

Wouldn't one of your brothers go with you?

I'd like a full refund please, Mrs. Bojangles. Don't make me send the boys round.

Tee hee! *

RF

*That kinda ruined the effect, didn't it?

No, no...the grin by itself can be quite scarey still, especially with that whole glint in the eye thing you have going on...it was the 'please' that lost you the scarey points.
1 demerit. and a 'must try harder'.

Me being scary? First time I've heard that.

I'll have to make someone really piss me off before I go to the shop, I might have a chance then. 'Ere, give you a tenner to wind me up at half 11 Monday morning!

I'm not going to stay with them. I've been on Orange once before and didn't have any problems with them. They even sent me a paper man through the post to assemble once. I might see what they've got. I'll remember to complain about Carphone and Voda too.

'Ere! Get aht af it! Ah'll sind de boyz rand! Noice cuppa tee!

There...that better?

RF

Now what you do is you get some plastic or styrofoam cups and some really long string..............

Aaaaaaah, reminds me of the fun months I spent trying to get my phone unlocked by Vodaphone......... never again.......... Vodaphone so

I had a horrible experience with Phones 4 U/Singlepoint over a billing dispute and now they're threatening to take me to court over a bill I've been disputing for a year and a half now.

Get a prepay phone, they're so much easier!

I recommend o2, by the way

First Gerald

Now this

*Spots Mrs B. Arches an eyebrow. Adds 'Vodaphone' to the list and stalks off*

Who's Gerald ?

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