h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

listen, pantman or whoever u r, we villains enjoy the taste of lemons 1st thing in the morning.
that's just 1 of the perks of being wholly (not 2 be confused with holy) bad!


...what, yes, tea please, 2 sugars please, whoops, er, i mean 2 lemons please!

Let me just ask you one thing, curl up in a ball and look like a wood louse person.
When you say Bic you don't mean the ballpoint pen do you - cos in France they say Bic when the brits say Biro. It would take a fair amount of effort to remove the dukes lip hair with a ball point pen. Mmm. Sinister. You could be worse than I feared.
Make way behind me.

*Waking up* Ho-hum. Morrrning, good guys. So, I guess all has been calm and peace since I went to sleep, no? Right, I'm off to the lavvy to combe my... hang on...YEGADS! My lip! My chin! Vestboy, Olaf? What's happened?! My beard and moustasche have been evened with earth! My powers are gone! WRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA......hang on.
Ok, it's cool. It's all there. Forgot to take the clingfilm off. *Blush* Sorry, lads.

Oh Dukey, you are a one!
Listen Ive come across a soup spoon with cover to keep the soup out of your tache. Here, take it. It's a gift!

Right ho, thanks. How do I use it? As you say, no point in soiling your powers. You wouldn't happen to have a straw or something to that effect, would you? Might make it even easier. Or cleaner...

Hello fellow super-heroes. Sorry I've been hors-de-combat. Out on the town with Odin and Thor. A lot seems to have been happening, but I've got a hangover so don't go raiding Evil Giraffe's secret lair today, okay?

This place is scary. Turn your back for a few hours and they steel away the Love of my Good Man. Don't worry though. As we all know - Bruce too has the Power of the Vest (the dirtier the better thanks Olaf) and it will take a greater being than a malevolent giraffe to take him from me forever.

In fact I'm off to rescue him now - anyone coming?

On my way, Leeloo. YipeeKayay, naughty giraffe-type person!

I'd lead the way but just now nobody seems to want to be behind me. So I'll just tag along at the back. Who's got the map and compass?

Ummm, why won't this bleedin' clingfilm come off? *Nags and yanks* It's almost as if... It feels like...Yes, it's GLUE! Right! That's it! Those giraffeblokes can kiss their neks goodbye, because I'll twist them like corkscrews. *Rushes off in no particular direction* WHERE ARE YOU, YOU DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS!!!!

I'd follow you guys....but I don't know where we're going. Do you? Or is that the fun in it all? Just kinda run in no particular direction and hope that we run into a long-necked Force weilding creature with evil tendencies? If so, I'm totally cool with that.

You must remember, though I have a magic Zippo, I am but a mere mortal and have no incredible guiding "super" compass in my nose that you may take for granted. I am also relatively new to the H2G2 site and am only slowly getting my grasp of it. However, if someone will point me and my Zippo in the right direction, I will do my "super" hero best to help in any relatively good task (as long as it involves getting away with doing something that would be looked at as bad if it weren't for the fact that we were doing it to bad people).

Oh, and is it just me, or is this thread getting rather long and difficult to reload in a short amount of time? Or maybe it's just because I'm not from another planet. Blast, I know! I haven't upgraded my Sub-Etha Transmitter recently...perhaps that's my problem...

No, the web-site for the Sub-Etha Transmitter drivers says that my driver is the most current and up to date. It must just be a long thread.

*Breathing heavily* My god, you do talk a lot, don't you? Just light the thing so we see where we step, would you? *Rubs knee* I just banged in to Vestboys chair over there. Your lighter will be unvaluable to us, your prescence is absolutely required.

*flick*



(there, short enough for you?)

It must just be the writer in me. For more details, see my home page.

I'm actually quite surprised he hasn't digested yet.

*Breathy whisper* Here we are in the middle of a dense undergrowth with nothing but a Zippo to light out path and some facial hair, pointy hat and underwear related hardware to defend ourselves with.
We are looking for the lair of the mythical Evil Giraffe.
WHO JUST PUT THEIR HAND ON MY LEG? I COULD HAVE HAD A HEART ATTACK!

It wasn't me...I swear! I...I...I'm holding a Zippo in one hand and...uhm...something else very important in the other...which I can't quite remember the name of at this moment in time. Anyway, I'm leading the way...couldn't have been me.

Sorry, Vestboy, I mistook you for a piece of Maidenhair Fern in this accursed darkness. Luckily my Runic Carrot Potion is now beginning to kick in....wait a moment....I can see the bottle now! Valhalla! It's not Runic Carrot Potion at all! It's Evil Giraffe's Horrid Elixir...I'll have the squits for weeks now.

"right, Where are we now?"

Sorry guys, I have just been off honing my daffodil wielding powers and got a bit lost back there. Can anyone bring me back up to speed?

All I can gather is Evil giraffe has recruited some form of armoured ann summers toy, and the good guys are lost somewhere in thick undergrowth, are you sure you are not just looking too closely at olaf's moustache, maybe that was the real potion that evil giraffe swapped for the carrot stuff, a shrinking potion... AAaaaarrrggh!!

(sorry about that)

Sorry, I ment Duke's moustache, I just drifted off for a while there.

I think I'll just go and lie down

What was that noise? It sounded like a group of people mooching around in the undergrowth, bickering. It's probably nothing.

Bruce, have you found any of these so-called superheroes' weaknesses? Only one so far? Who? Olaf the, er, Hesitant, eh? Okay what's his weakness and how do we exploit it? What's this? A menu? How is that supposed to work? Oh, I see, it has pictures of many delicious foodstuffs that will make Olaf's mouth water, but as he will not be able to choose what to have first he will be thrust into a loop of indecisiveness. That's brilliant!

I'm sorry Bruce, I have tried to bring Leeloo over to the side of evil, but she seems to want to stay with those superhero types. Who knows, maybe Vestboy has some sort of power over her.

Enough of this chitchat, time to find more of their weaknesses.

Bw........