h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I work for the technical support department for an ISP in a telecomms company. I am a contracter at the firm and our badges are just pointless. We can't enter the building without one, we can be stopped if we are not wearing it in our own offices. How secure are these passes?? Well, the pass consists of the following:

* A heading that reads 'Temporary People'
* My name.
* name of my superior
* Expiry date

No photo, no signature. Anyone find the pass (or stealing it) could enter the building in whaich is many departments other than the ISP and have their evil way. What is the point I ask you.

On a historical note - during WW2, the Chief of the Imperial General Staff (CIGS) had an ID pass giving him access to all British war-like establishments anywhere. Naturally, since the holder of this pass had unlimited access, it's precise appearance was a closely guarded secret (in case of forgery). CIGS was so high-up that not many people knew what he looked like (do YOU know who the present senior army officer is?). So when he visited establishments he had great difficulty getting in, as no-one knew if the pass was genuine, and no-one knew if he was indeed CIGS. Now THAT is a useless pass.

ALL badges are pointless unless someone checks to make sure the person using it is really who the badge says they are.

A co-worker of mine used Photoshop to make a template duplicating our company's ID badges. He then used it to make several bogus IDs. For weeks, he wore a badge with a picture of Jeff Goldblum, and even the name "Jeff Goldblum", printed on it, and nobody stopped him.

He then made a badge with a picture of a cartoon character, and wore THAT for several weeks. STILL nobody said anything.

Next he's going to try Fozzie Bear. I want him to make me one with Yoda on it.

We used to do a roaring trade back at school supplying fake 6th form IDs to the 5th years so they could go down the pub.

Surely the most pointless ID badge of all is the one called a 'Passport'? One can travel the world, and further, carrying one of these. Your most prominent feature is your face; however, the mush on the passport bears no resemblance to the real thing. Immigration Control, worldwide, realise the futility of passports, give you a wry smirk, let you through, then gesture you back because they don't recognise your child as he/she is too young to have an individual passport of their own. They know that at this point you are beginning to suffer from an involuntary anal twitch; then wave you through leaving you with the doubt that you could be 'on the books' for the next visit.
Unless you've been to Egypt.....?

I have a friend who works in a high security building, in which every door has to be opened using a swipe card. This allows the management to restrict access( and presumably work out how many times you go to the coffee bar). It does however, lead to one of the lesser known, but equally terrifying phobias. That fear of being trapped between two doors in a corridor when the card breaks down and the caretakers gone home for the weekend.

How about a badge that says "Intruder" which you can pick up after having unwarrantedly snuck into the building? How useless would that be? Huh? Well?

A few years ago in New Zealand all people who drove vehicles applied for, paid for and received "life-time licences". This year "life time" licences were cancelled. Everyone now has to apply for, and pay for, licenses carrying photographs. The government insists these are not de facto ID cards. The same goverment, at the same time, introduced laws carrying heavy monetry penalties, for not carrying your new drivers license.Bring on the elections.

So, why did this forum stop before we even got the chance to discuss proper ID badge placement. On one of my travels, it was pointed out that the proper placement is on the right upper breast/chest. This is to allow any greeter to instantly access your pertinent informatioin at a glance. Evidently, eye contact follows hand . . Experiement, when you ID Badge on your LEFT upper chest region, socially adept earthlings will be confused.

But boy scouts will be OK

And Zulu warriors, come to think of it... But when did you last see a Zulu warrior wearing an ID badge?

Female Zulu's use their big boo boos as identity badges. Just like crossing the road. Look left, look right...

I hold an anonymous government job, and at our offices, we are required to maintain (feed, walk, provide for, etc.) and wear a current valid Identity Badge.

The required place for said badge is "upper left chest area." Many here have decided that creativity is the most important part of proper identification. Usually going for the pocket flap, bra strap, or even (through the shirt) nipple.

I prefer my sleeve, or pants cuff, or even my shoelaces.

I therefore have an agreement with the security (heh) personnel that says that if I am ever seen wearing my badge in the proper place, I will immediately be arrested for criminal trespass, as this person is oviously a clone, or shapeshifter (i.e. Hagunennon), or some other entity merely claiming to be me.

An anarchist attacks an anachroism - AAAAA - hurrah

An anarchist attacks an anachroism alliteratively, although abecedarian alliteration absolutely ascends all alternatives.



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