h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

To add to the debate, what are considered the best lines by General Melchett in Blackadder Goes Forth?

Short and sweet though it is, my favourite is when he tells the unconscious Captain Darling, "Don't slouch, Darling."

in second place, when hes looking at the wrong side of the map…

“God it’s a barren featureless dessert out there!”

but in my book the gold goes to:

“security isnt a dirty word blackadder…”

my fave woud have to be from blackadders christmas carol. Although that particular show was filled with some absolute pearlers.

BA: Ah lord melchett i trust the season brings with it the usual festivities of fine wines and violent stomach cramps

M: why thankyou black addder youre to kind. And may the yule tide log slip from your fire and burn your house down.

or later in the same show

BA: perhaps lord melchett would like to drag me naked through the streets of aberdeen

M: oh i don't think we need go that far black adder.

BA: why thankyou

M: Aylsebury is quite far enough

not word perfect but you get the idea.

my personal favourite is when george and darling are arguing about blackadder falling behind enemy lines and melchett barges in:

"now then now then now now then now now then then now now then. now then!"

Ah, true rib ticklers! I am personally enamoured of that moment in the Bishop of Bath and Wells episode, when the Queen and Melchie keep dragging Edmond "All the way from Billingsgate to Richmond to play about the weakest practical joke since Cardinal Wolsey got his knob out at Hampton Court, and stood at the end of the passageway pretending to be a door!". After collapsing with sycophantic mirth after stripping Blackadder of the proceeds of his house sale, Melchett is horrified when Queenie says she will now execute him for taking the mickey out of her beloved Edmond so cruelly. She then begins to snigger and after a shocked delay, Melchie realises this is an attempt at humour and joins in the cackling...He then utters the finest in sarcastic remarks while the Queen can't seee him "Oh, Praise the Lord for the gift of laughter!", and curls his lip - a rare slip of the mask...Quality!!

Definately from the end of Private Plane

After being saved by Flasheart

BA: I was wondering whether, after being tortured by the most vicious sadist in the German army, I might be allowed a week's leave to recuperate.

M: Excellent idea - your CO would ahve to be stark raving mad to refuse you.

BA: You are my CO.

M: Well?

BA: Can I have awek's leave to recuperate, sir?

M: Certaintly not.

BA: Thank you, sir.

M: BAAAAA!

Hmmm ... All hilarious, but I like a line from 'Goodbyeee':
Melchett: Are we all ready to give those French a good licking?
Darling: It's the Germans we'll be licking, sir.
Melchett: Don't be ridiculous, Darling. I wouldn't lick a German if he were glazed in honey!
Brilliant ...

yeah, undoubtedly the best line, sorry to be pedantic, but it's don't be revolting darling.

Also, another favourite is

That's the spirit, Blackadder, you're a real man, not some desk-sucking, pen pushing blotter jotter like Darling here!

My favourite line has to be, "If you're willing to join the twenty minuters then you're alright by me and welcome to marry my sister anyday."
Darling: "Are you sure about this sir?"
Melchett: "Certainly, you should hear the noise she makes when she eats a boiled egg, Ill be glad to get her out of the house."

Classic!

Naturlly anything said by Stephen Fry (sigh) sounds divine but the best line must be:

"If nothing else, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through."

Genius, pure genius. And what a moustache!

Of course its not only Melchett who gets great lines. Here are my favourites, compiled by me, no, I'm not going to give my real name let's just say it ends with Giles, and starts with David E, whoops.


The Big Book Of Blackadder quotes

Ambassador: I hate you English. With your boring trousers and your shiny toilet paper and your ridiculous preconceptions that Frenchmen are great lovers. I'm French and I'm hung like a baby carrot and a couple of petits pois.

Baldrick:
Hear the words I sing,
War's a horrid thing,
But still I sing, sing, sing,
Ding a ling a ling.

Blackadder: Needs must when the devil vomits into your kettle.

Blackadder: As my tutor, old bubble face, used to say: "make love and be merry, for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease."

Queenie: I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant.

Blackadder: They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork into your head.

Blackadder (to Baldrick): If you were to serve up one of your meals in Staff HQ, you would be arrested for the greatest mass poisoning since Lucretia Borgia invited 500 of her close friends round for a wine and anthrax party.

George: Well tally ho! With a bing and a bong and a buzz buzz buzz!

Ludwig: You find yourself amusing, Blackadder.
Blackadder: I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.

Blackadder: Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you up into strips and telling the prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?


Melchett (very drunk): You twist and turn like a ... twisty-turny thing. I say you are a weedy pigeon and you can call me Susan if it isn't so.

Melchett: 'If nothing else works, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through.'

George: Crikey, sir. I'm looking forward to today. Up diddly up, down diddly down, whoops, poop, twiddly dee - decent scrap with the fiendish Red Baron - bit of a jolly old crash landing behind enemy lines - capture, torture, escape, and then back home in time for tea and medals.
Blackadder: George, who is using the family brain cell at the moment?

You've got to love "BlackAdder the whole damn dynasty" the all time best book ever! not only does it have all the script but it also has Blackadders finest insults at the back! My favorite has got to be...

Mrs.Miggins if we were the last two people on earth then i would be trying to start a family with Baldrick.

Great!

my favourite melchers moments must be. . .

'well bugger me with a fish fork!'

to captain darling:

'i've come to regard you as a sort of son. not a favourite son, obviously; more an illegitimate backstairs kind of sprog, who nobody really likes'

and, not forgetting the immortal:

'if you return with the information, captain darling will pump you thoroughly in the debriefing room!'

as you can see i'm a fan of series

'dinnertime fido!'