h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"They're not breasts - they're Dalek bumps!"
The Master - Doctor Who Comicr relief special 'Curse of the fatal death" (or something)

Withnail and I:
"These aren't accidents! They're throwing themselves into the road gladly!"

'The chief beauty of this book lies ... in its simple truthfulness. Its pages form the record of events that really happened. All that has been done is to colour them and for that, no extra charge has been made.'

Jerome K Jerome of his book "Three men in a boat", itself a fine source of witty quotations.

"Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.
The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."

V for Vendetta, gotta love the alliteration

Oh yeah, also:

Wilson: Who's Harvey?
Miss Kelly: A white rabbit, six feet tall.
Wilson: Six feet?
Elwood P. Dowd: Six feet three and a half inches. Now let's stick to the facts.

Harvey is such an awesome film.

Elwood P. Dowd: Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it.

Elwood P. Dowd: Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" - she always called me Elwood - "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.

"Children are like farts, aren't they? -Everyone likes their own brand"

Jo Brand - AKA The Voice of Reality

Oh, his introduction in the book is much better, as is everything in the book:

"Me? I'm the King of the Twentieth Century. I'm the Bogeyman. The Villain.
... The Black Sheep of the Family."
Delivered with the mask's wry smile, it's far more eloquent. Alan Moore has always known how to say everything that is needed in very few words.

"Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one" -- journalist A.J. Liebling.

The more you know the less the better.

"A fundamental entity such as an electron is neither a particle nor a wave, but under some circumstances it behaves as if it were a wave, and under other circumstances it behaves as if it were a particle (really, of course, it is a slithy tove)."
John Gribbin, 'In Search of Schrodinger's Cat'

"Do you think that politics is for the intelligent, or the honest?
No, it is for the illiterate scum like you now!"
Aristophanes, 'Knights', some 400 years BC.

"Cugito ergo sum"

- Descates


Translates as: I think, therefore I am

"What is the velocity of an african (or european) swallow carrying a coconut?"

-Monty Python, The Holy Grail

Umm, I'm not sure if it's entirely correct, it's been a while.

"Your mother was a Hamster and your father smelt of Elderberries!"

-French Monty-Pythonian Soldier on Top of a Castle, The Holy Grail

"Quis custodiet custodiem?"

Alan Moore, 'Watchmen'. Translates as: "Who watches the watchmen?"

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.

Mae West

Thanks for:

"One person on his own can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity there ain't nothing like team-work." from Mark Twain.

It makes a great email signature at work. I spend large chunks of time in meetings with management types, that never seem to actually achieve anything.

"Ascribe, to thine enemy, thine own faults"

'When they've got you by the short and curlies, your heart and mind are sure to follow'.

A former colleague of mine.

"Speak softly, and carry a big stick; you will go far"

- Theodore Roosevelt

"Toy hero: 'I was just about to give up, when I remembered a saying we were taught back in the Academy...'
Child: 'Yeah yeah: 'Winners never quit and quitters never win.''
Toy hero: 'NO! It was 'Winners never quit and quitters shall be cast into the Pit of Fiery Death!''"

'Snow Day'. I ran across it while channel-hopping on Saturday. Awfully generic in the main, but that quote stood out.

CANNIBAL, n.
A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.