h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

just keep smiling and I'm happy

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement? A: Not enough cement. Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
A: Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.

Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: At the city morgue.

You seem to be in some distress,' said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is anything the matter?'

`Well, your Honour,' said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.'


What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?

1. How much money do you have?

2. Where can you get more?

3. Do you have anything you can sell?

Sad but true, animal...

maybe Adelaide, but my divorce, didn't cost me a penny, nor anything taken from houseby the ex scumbag

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven. St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven.

They each had to answer a single question. To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?" The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.

Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?" The garbage man had a great mind for trivia and said 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"




A lion in the London zoo was lying in the sun licking its bottom when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, "that's a docile old thing isn't it?" "No way!" said the keeper, "It's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a lawyer into the cage and completely devoured him."

"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking it's bottom?" "The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."

I'm glad to hear it, animal. Mine was not so fortunate, I decided I didn't want to arguefy for months or years, to the delight of no one but lawyers, so I just said "Oh, let him have everything". Which, in due course, happened...

because I got the cusardy of the kids, she could not take anything but her own clothes and belongings.



A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a free house alarm system at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.



Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

Oh dear !! , Dr. Frankenstein,

Nearly fell out of my whee;-chair laughing.

That is quite brilliant.

thank you for writing and introducing me to this marvellous fun thread.. I shall not attempt to tell a joke - I simply cannot, but I do love them!!

Thank you for making my day begin so happily.

Christiane
AlsoRan1

How did I miss this thread?
It's just what I need at 03:30hrs during a long nightshift.
I don't have any lawyer jokes but I know a midwife one:

Q. What is the difference between a midwife and a bulldog?
A. A bulldog doesn't wear lipstick.

You will understand this if you've seen how some midwives treat women in labour!

the next big brother in the Netherlands wants pregant lady to delivery the child in big brother house..

I am glad more have discovered and enjoyed this thread!

A lot of credit goes to Prof Animal whom I often refer to as Manimal.
If you ever need a laugh drop by his page.

It will take a while to work your way through this thread
Very nice to a see you all laughing !
AR1 - Meg and Pheloxi

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"Can I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Natalie" the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else." said the madam.
"No. I must see Natalie" was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row. Too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

"South Island" he answered.
"Really?" she said. "I have family in South Island."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is:
Some things in life are certain:
1. Taxes
2. Death
3. Being screwed by a lawyer