h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"




A new female lawyer was romantically ambushed in a darkened room at her new firm, to her surprise and delight. When asked by her best friend to identify the new lover, she was puzzled: "All I know for sure is that it was a another lawyer - he made me do all the work."

Hee Hee! I just love this thread! only wish I knew more lawyer jokes

Heres a pondering one for you?

If a lawyer is getting a divorce, who do they go to for legal assistance

(bearing in mind that they all stick together, coz lets face it, who else wants to know them)

don't worry Smudger, Abbi started the thread and I'll keep feeding it

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

just a thought Smudger, more jokes on here http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/brunel/F1926355?thread=620782&post=6844349#p6844349

Yea! some really gooduns in there Prof!!!
Smudger,

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.


What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.

Tee hee!

Thanks Animal for keeping this going while I have been absent!
It is great to come "home" to

no problem Abbi, this is food for an idiot and I like food



The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."






A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Sounds like that lawyer would get on great in the government!!
Smudger,

Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.
Saint Peter: "This fence needs some repair. I'll see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it."
Lucifer: "If you want it fixed, you pay for it."
Saint Peter: "The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount."
Lucifer: "Ha!! And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!"




A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

<>

I aim to please and I'm glad I'm a good shot.....



What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers?
They grow taller!


There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which the judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite



Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.

Speaking of lawyers, as we are I have been assured by the one who is doing my claim, that my case should be finalised this year?

Not bad when you consider that this is now the 6th year since my accident

Ah! but who says that the wheels turn slower in legal matters?

I dont know! but I bet he died waiting!!
Smudger,

umpteen £'s a hour, it takes time to write a letter, Smudger


Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."




A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer making love to a beautiful woman.

"That's not fair," he complained. "I face torment for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it making love to a beautiful woman."

"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question her punishment?"

What's the difference between a dead lawyer on a street and a dead dog on the street?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What's black and brown and look great on lawyers?
Dobermans

What's the difference between a Rooster and a Lawyer?
A rooster clucks defiance.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their clients?
To prevent the client for being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

Why do they bury lawyers 27 feet under?
co's deep, deep down, they're good people!

What's the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.

Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey had first pick.

How can you tell when a lawyer is well hung?
When you can't get your finger between the noose and his neck.

What the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
The prostitute quits after you're dead!

What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Their lips move.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off it's head

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.

Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor.

The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.


What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?
Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer


An anxious 15 year old girl comes home from school.
"Mum," she asks tentatively, "can you get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Don't be silly of course you can," replies her mother, "where do you think lawyers come from?"



Malborn sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes. It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
"Aren't you also going to have a drink?" the doctor says.
"After the police get here." replies the lawyer.


At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from rats to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well,
1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted.
2. Lawyers breed faster.
3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.

A BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS

* 372.01 Any person with a valid Texas state rodent or armadillo hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.
* 372.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.
* 372.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
* 372.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft.
* 372.05 It is unlawful to shout "Whiplash", "Ambulance", or "Free Scotch" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
* 372.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.
* 372.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals.
* 372.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same.
* 372.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
* 372.10 Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
* 372.11 Bag Limits Per Day
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder - 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor - 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator - 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) - 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut - 2
6. Honest Attorney - EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat - 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner - 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser - 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender - $10,000 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian - 7

animal...