h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A month later....

****Background info- Saw my brother in 96 weekend
98- weekend
2002 various times with Moms illness and death
We have talked weekly for 2 years.*******


I wonder why I have not talked to my brother after the trip.
No usual weekly call
I no email - oh he did send one that said OK after I thanked him by phone and email ( not being able to do so in person)
I joked a month later in an email ---
Have not heard from you. You OK?
Geesh were we that bad of guests?


Not a joke!
He was dissapointed.
He thought I should have done more outings.


I explained everytime it was mentioned what I was capable of. Travel is very difficult and not something I take litely. I have missed many events due to health. If I can travel then be good company and share in his dream (by seeing it)I would be happy.

I normally need to rest after a travel day ,for 2 days - IF I can travel.
I always added BUT I cannot tour and run around while there so I am boring and people need to entertain themselves by going out.

I would be going to see them and their dream.

I originally said no.
No because I am not a good guest or vacationer any longer.
I am good if I can go to one spot and "visit".
Visit without being smoothered by people wanting to take care of me or people continually pushing and asking me to *go out*.

I repsectfully declined the trip because I did not think "visiting" would be enough for them or most people.

I was begged for 2 years,there was pleading, promises and statements about "understanding" my abilities and not expecting anything of me if I can just get there they would be thrilled.
There was a strong desire on my brothers side to share his dream.

Finally I said yes.
I wanted very much to share his dream spot.
Ok - Yes IF you understand.
He said he did.

One month later....

Shocked-dismayed-dissapointed.
My sister -inlaws feelings (convo started with her being hurt and insulted) we did not do more activities together. He was just as dissapointed and shocked. Shocked?!?!
Why?

We were "together for 7 days"


Yeah well it's Mutual Now!!!!!

I was so happy to have made the trip.
Hubby thought I did great.
I did great just getting there.
It was an accomplishment which took untold strength and pre-determination. I did not whine, I did not cry.
Until a month later.
*Deeply Dissapointed*

Family...

I'm sorry you're hurt. Remember, we can't please all of the people all of the time. Let them stew, it's sad that they feel that way.

God, I'm sorry abbi. After all you went through to get there. And they said they understood your situation and begged you to go and everything and now this. This would p**s me off too. I'm trying to refrain from insulting your brother and his family out right, but it is difficult.

Abbi I'm really sorry that your brother and sister-in-law feel that way about your visit. It must really hurt to have bolstered so much strength and courage to go out there and visit, and to have really enjoyed being able to do so, and then to have them express disappointment. Travelling and visiting family is absolutely exhausting for people who don't have limitations, and spending seven days in someone's company can be equally so. I think you did very well, too, and I'm sorry that now you're feeling hurt and deeply disappointed that it wasn't fully appreciated.

And to deprive you of the weekly phone calls because of it must be even more hurtful.

I hope that your brother and sister-in-law will come to realize just how hard on you it was, just how much you did not want to be a bore or a disappointment, and just how great a pleasure simply being in your company should have been for them. (I know it would have been for me!) I really hope that you all can work through the disappointment and have a relationship which involves more understanding and acceptance on their part.

I've never been a big fan of the word "disappointed".
It reminds me too much of the "you can do better if you want to" comments I've heard all my life.
If you tell people what to expect and then they throw a fit because you were telling the truth... then they are just Muggles, pure and simple... Muggles.

dear abbi,you tried your very best to explain to them how exhausting and painful it could be to travel,and you did exceptionally well to get there at all.I wonder sometimes why our friends are able to take us for what we are,problems and all,yet the closer people don't realy understand what we go through.To deprive you of your calls is mean,and to expect you to do the things they wanted is selfish.You must be be feeling hurt,because you aren't mean or selfish,and can't understand why someone you love could do this to you.
I don't think they'll keep up the lost contact ,but if they do they're the losers my friend,not you.BIG

I really cherish and enjoy your company Abbi, so it is mindboggling that anyone would not just enjoy being with you. You are so witty, and compassionate, and up on the latest news. You are a joy to talk with. That your own brother would hurt you like that is especially unthinkable. I think he is very much in the wrong, even more so because you had warned him in advance that your mobility is limited. I hope he realizes this eventually and makes some gesture of apology. I'm glad Twinny is with you, so you have someone to share this with, cause it must be painful. Be secure in the fact that his odd reaction is certainly not your fault.

JEllen

Abbi,

As your brother was told of your condition, and the restrictions you're under, and he still responds like this - well, as reluctant as I am to criticise some else's relative, all I can find to say is...

Your brother is a muppet.



Ivan.

your brother should have glad to see you.

I hope you can remember that it feel good to be there!

e-greetings to Twinny.

Honestly

you made a big effort to help them understand your circumstances, and then this, I wouldn't waste the time on them again

sorry you feel hurt and let down, its perfectly understandable given what happened

Ah! Abbi
I know what thats like
I have a sister who will just not accept MK2!!

She popped in to see us, on her up North to see my kids and my ex stirred up the pot, and then promptly left again? (half hour visit)

That was the first time I had seen her in over 10 years!! and for me, she can now stay away for life!!!!

I had no idea that my parents could produce such a selfish, stuck up snob, like my sister!
Families who needs them?
Smudger,

Thank you all for the support.
It feels nice and I needed some.
Twinny has been wonderful and experienced the same in her life but she is partial to me It is nice to have the extra support from you all.

The clincher came after my brother said he just wanted to be honest.
WE have always been honest. That's why we have always been close.

My response; You could have been honest at the time!
When it could have maybe done some good
What good is this an "honest" opinion and evaluation a month later?

You suffered needlessly with something that obviously needed to come out! I blindly reflected on my enjoyment not realizing the grief I had caused. That feels really crummy.
I am not sorry I went. I suppose this was inevitable with this mind set in place and I might as well know it.

They were busy decorating and shopping, appointments and stuff.
It is not as if they were chained to the house. They "worked" most of the time getting ready for the renters.

The phrase was "quality time"
They did not feel we had quality time. They had quanity not quality.
To me quality time is about people. It is no longer about places or things. I know the *Best* would be to share a special place or event with your favorite people.
I thought I came to share your dream.
(all the above stated)

They asked about me going to two places.
One a restruant but OH too bad no wheelchair access and the top floor is the only place to go. I said you two love it, it sounds romantic so please go

There were some seats by the kitchen with no ambiance where we could have set while they had the panaramic view upstairs. That would not have been quality time and I am not sure if that was expected
The other was an antique store with rough barn wood floors and several 2 steps up levels. I cannot be pushed over those rough boards through extremely narrow and packed isles and they thought of that themselves.

When you see only smiling faces you tend to think they are relatively content. Each time I saw smiles and enjoyed myself.I have had heard about their dissapointment in my lack of activity after the fact. This is not the first time!

It was understandable when I had changed in the years they did not see. There was shock the first time my brother saw me with different abilities. He could not stop saying oh my God you have aged! After a few visits in the past 6-8 years I thought it had sunk in. I thought they understood my abilities.

The trust is damaged as far as future visits.
Too painful to consider just now....
TR you are right one.
It comes acrossed as if I could have done better if only I had tried harder. Pain, feelings, ability are not debatable, only outlooks and opinions. My activity level is not up for debate.

What is "quality" is debatable.

hi abbi,maybe their quality time is different to ours.Could it be that they have quality time by going places that THEY enjoy??I must admit that i would be happy to spend quality time in visitors company,and not traling them around to show off,as seems the case with your brother and his wife.It's the people in your life that matter ,not where they want to take you.I would rather sit and chat ,with a and lots of nice memories.Don't let him spoil your memories of the times you enjoyed,just remember what you put yourself through to spend time with them,and feel proud you were prepared to suffer so you could visit.x

"My activity level is not up for debate.'

While it's disgusting to have family members tell you that you "embarrass" them, it's better than their trying to couch the sentiment in other words.

I haven't been to my mother-in-law's house in over two years. Shnooks and Uvula are welcome anytime, if they haven't peeved her recently.
I got tired of being called "crazy and lazy" and started talking back. For some reason that wasn't appreciated "under her roof".
Funny, she had no problem saying what she pleased for ten years when she was visiting "under my roof".
Of course, the presence of my un-employed ex-con brother-in-law in her house has slowed the flow of second-hand parenting advice and marriage counseling from that font of all knowledge, as even Uvula realizes that irony doesn't travel well.

My father is all worked up to fly Shnooks to the homeland to visit. He paid for it last year. Funny, I've never gotten that invitation, no matter who paid. I once lived in the same county with him for ten years and almost never saw him.
When he did fly her down last year, he made sure my mother didn't know she was there.
I realize that the only grandchild is a valuable commodity, but... still...

Families eh, Moonglums sister is always running to mummy whinging at how he never rings her. So to prove it to me, he rang her regularly for a year or two and she never rang once. So now I believe him and when mummy rings to say that sister is upset at never being rung, we just switch off and ignore what is being said.

It isn't because she is broke too, her husband is a director of British Airways!

We never even got invited to her house-warming, and she wonders why he stopped ringing?!

Sorry abbi, didn't mean to detract from your troubles, but just to show it is everywhere.

Abbi its there loss at the end of the day ,in the thirty years well its closer to 42 years since our family has lived together as a group
and only one family member has come to visit me,so i can empathise
with you, i can only say what every one else here will no doubt its there/his loss.
Is your brother a good communicator/shy re his true feelings or maybe he
is ashamed i certainly would be if i had been that insensative given the breif history/in backlog.
I would be inclined to lull him into a false sense of security then return the compliment and plan things to do with him that would make him feel like a fish out of water, as he as done with you.

I know it not easy to forget about it and not to dwell on things but that is what you must try and do.

I did not post until I had worked the majority of it through.
I figured by doing so now it would be a good reality check.
It is important for me to remember the reality in case they do not.
I am close to putting it away to experience.

I am very thankful for all your kind words and sorry for all in kind experiences you've all had. I find you all wonderful for spending "quality time" energies with

Thanks for being there

abbi, there are few people I would rather talk to than you, whether on hootoo or msn or (costs willing) by phone, so whenever your family make you feel down, remember: we are all here, we are all glad to talk to you, not because of a blood-tie (though I recognise this is important) but because of who you are. If it's a tough time, then we'll go through that with you, and we're glad to share your joys.

I don't know if I say this enough, but: thank-you for being you.