The way we introduce ourselves

Modern western society has evolved to the extent that it is no longer acceptable to behave as our relatives in the natural world. Mating is expected for life but the traditional methods of introduction* will more often get you arrested than a new partner. As a result, new methods of introducing ourselves have developed.

The most common of these is the simple chat-up or pick-up line. It is used primarily as an introduction to a member of the opposite sex and to show that you are attracted to them in some way. Such methods have been used for centuries in various forms from the simple one-liner to serenades or poetry. Essentially it's just a way of grabbing some attention for yourself, hopefully long enough that the object your desire sees something they wish to pursue. The chat-up line is most often used at parties, in bars and at clubs though it may be deployed at any time.

Another method of introduction is the ice-breaker. This is a line used to open up a conversation with someone you'd like to talk to. The actual line is often incidental to the ensuing conversation but acts as a way to introduce the conversation. These are probably more widely used than chat-up lines as they can be used in more situations and with anybody, whether there is an attraction or not, whether they are the same or the opposite sex. This type of line is deployed in a greater range of situations, but usually only when there is time and space to continue the conversation.

Excuse me but....

This page is intended to become a reference point for chat-up lines and all purpose ice-breakers. If you wish to contribute a line that you have either used or had used on you please enter it in one of the forums below any that are used shall be quoted as referenced researchers. Comments on the effectiveness of the lines in this article would also come in useful for those people wishing to use them in future. Similarly if you think any should be removed because they never work.

The Chat up Lines

• "How're you doin'?"
• "Get your coat love, you've pulled."
• "Did it hurt...when you fell to Earth from Heaven?"
• "Your feet must be tired, you've been running through my mind all day."
• "If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?"
• "Do you know what would look good on you?...Me."
• "Is there a mirror in your knickers...as I think I can see myself in them?"
• "I don't suppose you know the number for the Ordinance survey?...I want to tell them I have found a Sight of outstanding natural beauty."
• "My friend thinks you're hot, and if it's any consolation so do I."
• "You looked bored so I thought I'd cheer you up..."(followed by joke)
• "What's a nice person like you doing in a place like this?"
• "Someone as lovely as you deserves to talk to someone much better than me."
• "Hey there, won't you give me a smile. I've not seen one in a while. I'm sure you'd look better smiling."
• "Say, haven't I had sex with you?"
• First find out her name. Then go up to her and say "Excuse me, would you like to see my magic watch?"
  
  
  When she says yes, peer at the watch and say right...I can tell that your name is (whatever).
  
  
  She is very impressed...Continue to look at your watch and then say "I can also see that you are not wearing any knickers"
  
  
  When she gets offended, bang the watch a few times and say "Damn, its fast again"!
• "I have bagels, let's get naked!"
• "20 ton penguin." wait for the appropriate confused reply, and then explain: "well, I had to break the ice somehow..."
  
• "I love what you've done to your hair... but there's something missing....Hmmm....I know what it is - a smile."
• "Your legs are like butter, so spread 'em."
• "Alright big girl"
• "I've lost my phone number, can I have yours?"
• "The word of the day is legs; let's go upstairs and spread the word."
• "F**k me if I'm wrong, but haven't I seen you here before?"
  
• "I'm sorry...this is really quite embarrassing.... I actually have a fantastically large penis."
• "Would you like a ride on my penis? ...Sorry, I mean motorbike"
• "Hello, I'm blind. May I get to know you by rhythmically kneading your breasts?"
• Put 50p on the bar next to her and walk off. After a minute or two come back draw attention to the coin and say "It's still there - I thought you were going to phone your mum...."
  After she goes "what?", say, "To tell her you're not coming home tonight..."
  
• Grin shyly and say "you look stunning tonight" and then walk away.
• "Smile! Its the second best thing you can do with your lips... "
  
• "What's your sign?"
• "Can I buy you a drink?"
• "Would you like to dance?"
• "Hi, you don't know me, but I dreamt about you last night and thought it only fair to introduce myself."
• "Excuse me, do you want a double entendre?"
• "Was your father a thief, because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes."

The Ice-breakers

• Nice weather we have today, isn't it?
• Do you know how to spell...(Insert word here)?
• What's the best way to...(Insert place here)?
• I like your hat (or other item of clothing)
• What's the time?

Do not use these lines

The following lines have produced unfavourable results for some of our researchers, try to avoid using them.

• "Given that god is infinite, and that the universe is also infinite, would you like a shag?"- Unless the subject is a die-hard Red Dwarf fan
• "You've got to tell me your name, because last night in my dreams I could only call you 'baby'."
• "Do you have a screwdriver 'cos just looking at you makes my nuts tighten"
• "You look like a woman who knows how to talk to men!" [leer]
• "I love every bone in your body...especially mine."
• "You don't sweat much for a fat girl"
• "Hi my name is your name here, mind if I join you?" (saying the "your name here")... then as (s)he looks confused take out a page of similarly wrecked chat-up lines out of your pocket and try them in order...
  
  "pull up chair, wink?"
  
  "Page 42?"
  
  "Remember: Always Smile?"
  
  "what's a nice girl-slash-boy like you doing in a bar-slash-dance-slash-brothel like this?"
  
  "Try to sound natural?"
  
  When none of this works, curse at the guy who wrote the book, and stalk off.
• "Do you know any good opening lines?"

Disclaimer: These lines are NOT guaranteed to work and use of them may result in the subject being offended and/or causing injuries to the user. Such action should in no way be attributed to either the author or the researchers who have contributed to this piece

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