h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oh, Mac, it was a real sleeper, such a gentle thing, really. You must try it as soon as you get the chance. Even Carmel will like it.

**Purr comes strolling into view along the path, twirling his wolf's-head walking cane. He draws abreast of the crowd gathered there, then puts away the sketch pad and charcoal pencil. It doesn't take a nuclear engineer to figure out the members of the Audience are taking a short break--with --and he moves toward the serving trays.**

[Purr] ...Orrange Pekoe... Chamomile... Pepperrmint... Earrl Grrey... Catnip Spice! Mwrrrrr... Yesss! Sso nice to have these little brreaks. In the lasst prroduction Ai was engaged, therre was rrarely time to catch one's brreath for all the sstunt worrk involved--let alone to take time forr . Mwrrrr...

(After finishing his spot of tea, B4 sets the items aside and reclines against one of the trees beside the path. The dappled shade is comfortably cool, allowing a myriad of small rays of sunshine to play over his form, slowly caressing him with their warmth. It appears that he's mulling something over in his mind but before he can bring himself to vocalize it...)

*Pansy hobbles into view. When she reaches the crossroads she takes off her remaining shoe and throws it in the direction of the trees beside the path*

Phew! Made it. Who was it that thought I couldn't stand the pace? I may have my knockers but let me tell you, I have no difficulty in keeping it up.

*Pansy sits down on the ground in a rather ungainly way, loosens the ski suit a bit more and locates a small hip flask hidden in one of the pockets. Grabbing a she pours the contents of the hip flask into the cup.*

KER-CLUNK!

(B4 is momentarily roused by the clunk of a stylish ski boot up-side his head. He wakes with a start, notes the incriminating evidence of the footgear beside him, surveys the suspects in the vicinity, deduces the fashionable pump could only be Pansy's [as witnessed by the bare-stocking-ed-ness of her present attire], and decides not to be roused by the ordeal [nor Pansy, for that matter]. He drifts back off into a coma.)

*three mice in sunglasses and fedoras appear from the grass along the path*

1: Pansy, we'd never knock you up.
2: Could I have a little sip from your cup?
3: We think the ride was a little abrupt.

All: Are we there yet?

*ambles along the path to the crossroads*

[Front]: It proved harder to get out of the cable car than it did to get into it.

[Back]: Is it time to moo...ve along yet?

**Finished with tea, Purr sets down his cup and saucer, then stretches langurously as only a cat can. [Ooh! Deja vu!] He rises and paces along the path with the assemblage of Cast and Audience. He halts peremptorily as if struck full-tilt by an idea of great import. He takes several strides into the woods and disappears.**

>rustle, rustle, rustle<
>splash!, gurgle, drip, drip<
>rustle, rustle, rustle<

**Purr reappears from the foliage, carrying a bucket. It is old and wooden and must have a few small chinks in its frame, as it's leaving a little trail of droplets in its wake. Purr, grinning from ear to ear, advances on the comatose B4.**

[Purr] Ai think Ai can get at leasst one memberr of thiss parrty back on the rroad to the GingerrBread Cottage...

**He stands over B4 and raises the bucket high over his head, as if to add momentum to the impending deluge, and begins to tip it forward. Just as the water reaches the lip of the bucket, B4 wakes with a tremendous start (prompted perhaps by the clanking of the Queen of Dairy's cow bell), and springs to his feet with his trenchcoat flapping. The cinch belt for the coat was, however, situated under Purr's right foot and the sudden motion of its being snatched up causes him to topple backward. The bucket up-ends, dousing the large black cat from head to toe in an unbelievable torrent (for a bucket of water), soaking his clothes completely. Purr lands on his tail, mushing it a bit, and the bucket plops over his head down to the shoulders.**

[Purr] (muffled echo reverb mewling) ...everry sscene, everry act... Phthfffft-fft-fft...fft...fft... When sshall Ai learrn? Neverr enterr into a sstage contrract with a Ssicilian, esspecially when the sstakes arre liffe and death...

What!? Huh? What's goin' on??? Are we there yet?

(B4 blinks several times, rubs his eyes with the heels of his hands, then surveys the scene more carefully. He notices Purr in [soggy] Boots sitting near him with a bucket over his head. B4 squats down beside him, reaches forth his right hand, and tilts the wooden pail back until he can see Purr's slitted cat eyes.)

I liked your leather cap with the feather better...

B4

Where's the Ugly Duckling? And Mary and the Mysterious Stranger? And that sheep with the pointy teeth?

**The Cat in the Bucket Hat shrugs his shoulders, putting the pail slightly askew.**

[Purr] Ai don't know about Marry and her (full-grown) Ssheep, or the Myssterrious Strrangerr, but Ai would sswearr the Ugly Duckling is currently attached to maiy tail. At leasst, therre sseems to be the ssame pain in maiy hind quarrterss as when he's tagging along...

**He peeks out from under the pail and looks behind himself, letting the wooden bucket fall to the loamy ground.**

[Purr] Hrrrmph! Musst have jusst been the way Ai landed. Perrhapss they will arrive sshorrtly? After all, "the play's the thing", as one of my ffellow thesspians once rremarked when we were in the trroupe of Pembrroke's Men. As Ai underrsstand it, he laterr went on to grreater fame in the theaterr cirrcles. Butt, back to the Duck! Where would he be?

Hmmm... Mary is probably waiting for the Mysterious Stranger, who isn't going anywhere if that gets to decide... and as for Duckie - does anyone know if he managed to get out of the gondola? Eh - does anyone know *which* gondola he was in? I can't remember seeing him at the controls of any of the cars...

I didn't see Duckie get out

Oh well, time for another whilst we wait for the stragglers.

*seems distracted*

What? Oh yes. More . Definitely.

[Purr] Yess. Morre would be nice. Perrhaps ssome Chamomile thiss time, to ssettle an unrruly sstomach...

**Staying to the sunnier areas along the path, Purr prepares another teacup of his favorite brew and laces it with clover honey. He basks in the sunshine, turning his face heavenward frequently and licking his whiskers clean of stray droplets. His clothing begins to dry...*

(B4 helps himself to a cup of Earl Grey. He mingles with the rest of the Audience, engaging in small talk over the rim of his and ing about their observations of the EWR experience.)

*appears on the path, flapping his wings, running, hopping and occasionally flying a short distance before landing on a leg again, hopping, flapping, running, looking rather like a child learning to swim who has to put down a foot on the bottom every now and then so as not to sink*

* Staggers along the path, sees the duck, and avoids eye contact. *

That duck is going a funny colour.

He's not quacking like a duck, either.