h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Heterosexual Mens Underpants - A898752
Author: G - U211608

I took on board the comments and instructions about "Butlins, conception and pleated skirts", and have posted this for review to see if it is more the sort of thing that is wanted.

Any comments will be gratefully received.

Graham Spence

What can I say ?

Y-FRONTS - thats what I can say.

An entire generation of British Men had there possibilities of scoring on foreign soil thwarted by this particular nether garment development. Obviously forced upon us by a frustrated french designer who was tired of all the French women throwing themselves at the cool, unreachable, Englishman, he devised this cunning plan to ensure that no Englishman would ever again succeed in subverting a Continental woman to the charms of regular bathing and folicle control.

A cunning development of the standard underpant and obviously a pre-curser of the tanga, they featured a tailored leg and elasticated cuff and waist. Their genius lay in their access method. Instead of a large flap in the front of the pants, or asking the wearer to hook the waist elastic under their testicular sac whilst urinating, the design featured an inverted Y shape which concealed a flap to allow access to the necessary equipment. Deployment was achieved by inserting the hand, grasping the member and deploying with a rolling flick. The particular cunning of this access method was that it was impossible to access the member whilst erect through this portal. Thus obliging the Englishman to display the sad, sarorial state of his underwear to his paramour, and thus ending any prospects he may have had.

This led of course to the supposed reservedness of the English who would only undress in the dark, that is however another entry entirely.

*wipes eyes*

Yeah! I want this one in the Edited Guide! There might be discussion over guidelines and style and whatnot, but the Guide would be a dry and poor place without this one.


Bossel (HMS - Her Majesty Scout)

I quite agree, Bossel!

Yes, just what I needed after a night shift, a good belly laugh!

Up until the age of 35 I was still buying my pants from the boys department - free of VAT you see. Fitted perfect round the waist and the ensuing bulge was quite impressive, and I never did and still haven’t got a beer belly despite numerous pints of .

If you really want to see a disgusting sight, you have to see a man wearing pants provided by Her Majesties Quartermaster. Not something you would want to see more than once in a lifetime though.

Stuart

Very good indeed!

I hate to be the one... but it might be said that it isn't *exactly* what EG entries are sposed to be.

I'm very glad you shared it with us, though!

Notwithstanding whether it goes in for editing, i think this must get an airing in The Post - that page has a slightly different readership to PR, and they'd love it! Can i put it forward for a spot in the CAC column there?

This is a classic example of one of my long-standing concerns about h2g2, which is that despite the existence of the AWW, a forum devoted to fun/creative/personal writing, nobody wants to go there to read and discuss those kinds of things. Yet at the same time they're not 'supposed' to be submitted for PR...

Why is the AWW such a dead-end? I think i may ask just that in AskH2

Well, again for this little gem,
and all the best with this and future writings
spiff

Fantastic! But I pity the poor scout or italic who has to edit it for the official guide... How on earth do you tone it down for Auntie Beeb without loosing its sheer brilliance???

B.

*Wonders about the possible irony potential of seeing 'pants' in CAC*

B

Hi Spiff and everyone.

During the course of the day, some more has been added and edited to my original entry. If you want to go back and re-read, you may find some more new stuff.

Thanks for all the feedback. I am currently working on an Etiquete Guide for Heterosexual Men visiting Gay Clubs. I may have to tone it down though. Thanks for providing a space where I can have a good rant. I have enjoyed doing this stuff, and intend to become a regular contributor.

Thanks for being tolerant of my Technical Disabilities.

Woo Hoo, I've just done a picture thingy. Perhaps I'll get it in the right place next time.

Graham Spence

I've seen a few gay men in their underwear, and many more straight men in the same state of undress, and I can confirm that the main theory of this entry - that gay men are sartorially less challenged than straight men simply isn't true enough times to be provable.

I therefore suggest a title change - removing the word 'heterosexual'.

I can assure you that I would not have made such allegations without thorough research and a large enough sample of each to be statistically significant.

You do find, however that there is a significant divergence with age. Perhaps the straight men in question were trying to impress you.

After all, we all have first date pants.

G

"Etiquete Guide for Heterosexual Men visiting Gay Clubs"

That should be interesting. If its written in the same tongue in cheek style it shoudld be very funny. Having visited a few Gay clubs in the past and generaly had a good time it would be interesting to compare experiences.

Spiff is right though, if it gets into the EG it would be surprising but there is certainly a place for it somewhere in h2g2.

Stuart

Great entry, I'm not sure about the EG, but if the post doesn't take this they should be sacked.

Tango

I think that the style that I am automatically using is how I remember Peter Jones being the Book in the original H2G2 Radio Show. I am old enough and lucky enough to have caught the first broadcast, and as you can see, it had a lasting influence. Seeded jokes, last minute inversions, and paradox.

Graham

G I really liked your article!

Well done, this is a problem that has been ignored for far too long!

I am not from England and got a bit confused by the references to 'Geordies' though. (IS it an English reference? Or something else that went completely over my head?)

Perhaps some references to womens underwear? Or is that your next article

Looking forward to hearing more from you

Clover

Geordie is the name given to a person from that area.

Tango

Big Pants!

http://www.rathergood.com/pants/

"Geordies" is the name given to those from the North East of England, and specifically to those from Newcastle. It is an area of the country which was completely missed by the feminist movement. It was assumed for many years that this was due to the alleged unreformed chauvanism of the stereo-typical Geordie male. However, should you meet some Geordie women, you will realise that the introduction of feminism in the NE would have been a backward step, as these women discovered and applied Girl Power 50 years ahead of the rest of us.

In short, Geordie women acheiving equality would have represented a substantial loss of power. It would have been a bit like Bill Gates giving up microsoft to take a job as a Saturday boy at Radio Shack.

Hi Graham,

Really funny entry, but as others have suggested, I'm not sure this is really Edited Guide material. It's very funny, but the aleged 'research' presented here is a little spurious and, out of the context of a comedy essay, possibly borderline offensive. Speaking purely from the point of view of the Edited Guide, it relies too much on an assumption that doesn't stand up to close scrutiny... in fact, the logic itself is a bit 'pants'

I'd be concerned that the main elements that make this such a fun read would almost certainly be edited or removed if it were to be accepted for the Edited Guide, which could then make it a completely different thing entirely. A few Researchers in this thread have suggested this might be better served by The Post, which would give it more exposure, and of course even as it stands it's part of the wider Guide already.

Jimster