h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The Apothecarium is a mess. Most of it is rubble, and the only entrance is through the Nursery. The Nursery was blown to rubble in the initial Rebellion, and burnt skeletons, one adult, three babies are scattered amidst the debris. The main hall, the only place left undamaged, is still a mess. Beds, shelving and storage cabinets are lying in disarray. Fortunately the steralization systems are undamaged and operational, and there are plenty of supplies and sterile equipment available.*

*Pestilence runs in, carrying a wounded JACKAL.*
[Pestilence] Hey! We got a Doc here!? I got a prisoner here that needs medical treatment!

Recrash bursts in, not minding the clutter and the remains of a few newborns and one adult, female, most probably a nurse. He heads for the enemy soldier, who's moaning and spurting blood.

He already has his portable tools ready, throwing off the travel coat and readying surgical instruments in his armbands. He pulls a medgun from its holster and administers a shot of painkiller.

Then, with a combat knife, begins cutting away the prisoner's battle-stained fatigues as he gets at the damage. Shrapnel. He quickly cleans the wounds with an antiseptic bulb, and passes an electromagnet over them, pulled out the metal. Then he slapped on adhesive binding patches and started playing a force regenerator over them. He glanced at his watch.

Time: Five minutes.

"Tsk, tsk." he said. "I've slowed."

*Marshal walks in, picking up a bottle of slightly pink liquid. He takes off the lid and inhales deeply.*
[Marshal] Ah... I'll never forget that smell... Anyway, how's the prisoner, Recrash?

Recrash, your servo-drones still in the hanger. It was about to turn the enginge of the skimmer on with me and pestilence in teh hanger. I'll send it up if you want.

[Dr. Recrash] "His condition is stable. I've shot him with some truth serum along with the tranquilizer. He should be sedate and eager to please."

The intercom beeped:

"Recrash, your servo-drones still in the hanger. It was about to turn the engines of the skimmer on with me and Pestilence in the hanger. I'll send it up if you want."

He went to the wall-mounted mike.

[Dr. Recrash] "That's fine, she'll be up in a moment."

BOOM!

[Dr. Recrash] "Now what could that be?"

*Marshal walks over to the prisoner. He holds his head up, and looks into his eyes.*
[Marshal] *To Recrash* get Kran for me, would you? He'll want to be here...
*To Prisoner* Okay, let's start with the simple stuff. Name?
[Jackal] ...
[Marshal] Your name!
[Jackal] ... I...
[Recrash] Hang on.
*Gives another shot of truth serum.*
[Marshal] Now, your name.
[Jackal] I... Have... no name...
[Marshal] Could he be lying?
[Recrash] Hell no! He's had so much serum he'll probably be brain damaged!
[Marshal] So... why doesn't he have a name?

[Dr. Recrash] "Could he be he legendary Horse With No Name?"
(Soundtrack - "So I went through the desert with the horse with no name-")
[Dr. Recrash] "Just an idea."
("-In the desert, you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't nobody left to give you no pain-")
[Marshal] "Ask a stupid person..."
[Dr. Recrash] "Kidding. Calling Kran..."
("-La laaa, la la la la, lalala, la laaa-")

Dr. Recrash looks up from Marshal's interrogation session as Mydalia barges in carrying a squawking gray rumpled bundle on her shoulders, which she throws onto a bed while another Viper brings in a female casualty.

[Dr. Recrash] "Okay, okay! To work!"

Pulling on his surgical greens and clear facemask, he moves to Patient No. 1.

[Patient No. 1] "Hello."
[Dr. Recrash] "Name, rank, serial number?"
[Doublegun Mikkie] "Mikkie, Lieutenant, 424424."
[Dr. Recrash] "Any fruits or vegetables to declare?"
[Mydalia] "Um, hello?"
[Dr. Recrash] "Sorry. Triaging here. Multiple contusions and lacerations, indicative of vehicular accident compounded by sliding on a gravel driveway. Light shrapnel. Big black eye. Where's he get that?"
[Mydalia] "He called me 'hon.'"
[Dr. Recrash] "That'll do it. And who's this one?" (Moving to Nesal's bed) "Nice to see you again. Gunshot trauma in the crotch area? Ooh, much more serious."
[Mydalia] "I'll take care of that."
[Dr. Recrash] (Sounding whiny) "But I'm the doctor here!"
[Mydalia] "No." (Pushes the doctor back to Mikkie)

...

[Dr. Recrash] "So," (begins shoveling pebbles out the wounds with a hand trowel) "How's your first day on the team been?"
[Mikkie] "Mixed. Hey, is she your girlfriend?"

Recrash looked shocked.

[Dr. Recrash] "Would you date a toaster?"
[Mikkie] "Wha-sorry?"
[Dr. Recrash] "Don't let the cosmetic job fool ya, she's a purely functional machine with salvaged organic components. A Servo-drone, in short."
[Mikkie] "A robot - but how?"
[Dr. Recrash] (Cleaning wounds) "Simple. Just get a corpse and replace the brain cavity with 100% Earth-made cybernetics."
[Mikkie] "Eww!
[Dr. Recrash] (Uncapping skin cream) "That's YOUR blood. I don't see why you should be so grossed out."
[Mikkie] "She doesn't talk like a machine."
[Dr. Recrash] "A little experiment on my part. I left the brain bits responsible for 'fuzzy logic'."

SPLAT! Blood-soaked sponge thrown Recrash's way by Mydalia truly.

[Dr. Recrash] (Unrolling bandages) "Like I said, very fuzzy."

*Mystrunner runs in, Nesal slung over his shoulder.*

We need help here, quick. She's taken a sniper round to the groin. Lots of blood loss, internal bleeding... what can I do?

*Fester walks in, carrying a medical bag.*
[Fester] Get her pants off for one thing. I can see from here she's got metal in her. Belt buckle probably. I saw a man who was hit in his buckle by a concussion cannon once, got blasted straight through him. Messy. Now, let's take a look...
*Fester works quickly with Dr Recrash. After half a dosen shots of haemeostatic, the bleeding seems to slacken. He picks up a container of greenish goo, while Recrash reconnects her groinal artery. Fester applies the goo to her wound, and Nesal screams.*
[Fester] Well that's always encouraging. How does it feel?
[Nesal] S**t! That damn well hurts!
[Fester] Ah, well, it will. Don't worry, Recrash, I'll finish up...
[Nesal] Will I be alright?
[Fester] Should be... though I don't think you'll be having children again...
[Nesal] I don't have children.
[Fester] Too late then. Rest up. I'll check up on you...
[Nesal] I... Tell Tyran, will you?
*Fester pauses.*
[Fester] Tyran... Cadet? Your partner, yes? I'll... make sure he's alright. Don't worry yourself, Nesal.
*Fester takes Recrash to one side, and hands him a Dog Tag. It says: "Tyran."*
[Fester] There's a body coming in from Sniper Alley... Don't tell Nesal.

Sir, will she be all right?

[Fester] She'll be fine. Just don't expect her to see battle anytime soon.

Yessir. I'll head back to the office for another assignment.

*Walks out of the room.*

"I'll finish up, Fester." The doctor said. He turned then to Nesal and gently said, "You'll be alright now. Everything's fine. I've ordered a new set of ovaries for you; they should be around in a couple of weeks. Meanwhile, can I offer you some gum? Medicated, that is."

He and Mydalia transferred her to a gurney, and she wheeled Nesal off. He addressed the other patient.

"'Aight, you've spent enough basking in the force regenerator. Get up, take a shower, and try to make yourself useful. Did you hear me? Out. Out! Shoo!"