As far as we know, Zombies don't exist in real life - but we don't know everything so don't take our word for it. Zombies that we know of exist in the horror genre of cinema, literature and that 1983 Michael Jackson video. This Guide Entry is merely a guide, information is here to assist you if Zombies do attack. It isn't rules which you must follow, but you should use your common sense at a time of such crisis as a Zombie apocalypse so you can do what is best for your survival.

What is a Zombie?

Humans who work in front of a computer six days a week inside small cages that have a wall missing for nine hours a day. ALSO: Dead humans who rise from their resting places to consume brains which should be the definition used by 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' if anyone had thought to mention it. For this Entry we will be referring to the latter as the former tends to be a lot less dangerous and rarely attack in large numbers.

So What are Zombies of the Undead Kind?

Zombies are generally dead humans, reanimated by some sort of Voodoo magic and/or witchcraft. However, there are now several other ways this could happen, such as nuclear waste, certain objects burning up in the atmosphere or diseases spread by GM-Crops¹. Among other things. They attack humans mainly by biting, although they also tear at flesh with their hands. They can be in varying stages of decomposition and therefore smell quite bad.

Why Would a Zombie Attack me?

You are a living, breathing, Human Being. You are fresh meat and Zombies need fresh meat to liv- umm... - survive. They're going to try and eat you. If they just manage to just bite or scratch you without actually killing you, you may turn into a Zombie yourself.

How can I Tell if Someone is a Zombie?

Most Zombies moan, a sort of deep, loud moaning, this is their telling feature. They do not breathe as much as humans² and so can groan for longer than most people can. Another way of telling if someone's a Zombie is how they look. Without enough food they have little energy and so stagger about slowly. The little amount of oxygen they need also makes their skin go pale. Over time, with little energy, water and oxygen, Zombies slowly deteriorate, first losing senses, such as hearing and sight. Their eyes cloud over, into a pale white colour which, over time, becomes a stronger white³. Then, after a few days, their arms and legs muscles weaken. They would then find it near on impossible to move, and so collapse onto the floor. This allows them to easily be killed, but don't feel sorry for Zombies. They rarely feel pain and after all, they will try to eat you if they get the chance. However, Zombies don't always deteriorate. With proper food (fresh meat - eg YOU) and exercise Zombies can survive indefinitely, although they do still suffer from diseases and grow old. The easiest way of telling if someone is a zombie is if they try and bite chunks of your flesh, this should give them away.

What Should I do if I'm Attacked by a Zombie (or Zombies)?

• The first rule, which should never be forgotten, is: Don't Panic! Once panic sets in you will make careless mistakes, and you will soon be torn to pieces.
• Make sure all windows and doors are shut and secured: You never know when an adventurous Zombie may walk in unheeded to your house.
• Don't advertise your location more than you need to: It only takes one Zombie to know where you are and before you can say 'Help! I'm being attacked by an Army of the Undead legion! Somebody call the Police!' they'll have surrounded you, as Zombies round up fresh meat. One possible tactic would be to close your curtains, then they'd only have their nose to follow.
• Make no attempt to reach loved ones: Stupid how it may seem, you don't want to risk being out in the open. If the Zombies do follow you, you'd only endanger your loved ones' lives as well. Anyway, what if they're already a Zombie?
• Pray to the preferred deity of your choice
• If all else fails --> RUN!: Zombies are normally very slow and as such can be out run by most people fairly easily. If you do decide to do this, take some sort of weapon (read further to find out why). If you know Chuck Norris, now would be a good time to give him a call.

How can I Stop a Zombie, Permanently?

Your best bet is to remove its head or destroy its brain, this will instantly stop them. However, more extreme measures can be used to halt the attackers: removing every limb would certainly slow them down, but not necessarily kill them. You could try blowing them up if you have any dynamite handy, although dealing with explosives is best left to the experts. Then there's Necromancy, which is communication with the dead, but we don't recommend this as it involves black magic.

What Weapons should I use Against Zombies?

Anything that's nice and sturdy. Anything with a long 'killing range', such as a cannonball (you'd obviously require a cannon as well). Anything which can be used several times if you're not that proficient in the weapons you have to hand.

• Knife: Short killing range unless thrown, when it'll be lost. Zombie-Kill-O-Meter: 4/10
• Sword: Larger killing range than knife but close combat can be dangerous. Zombie-Kill-O-Meter: 7/10
• Gun: Good for long distance kills but needs practise and lots of ammo. Zombie-Kill-O-Meter: 8/10
• Cricket bat (or baseball bat): Blunt, can be used for destroying the brain. Zombie-Kill-O-Meter: 6/10
• Shovel: Like Cricket bat but heavier and sharper, can remove the head. Zombie-Kill-O-Meter: 5/10
• Flamethrower: Won't kill Zombies straight away and will probably end up setting yourself alight. Zombie-Kill-O-Meter: 3/10
• Snooker/Pool cue: Not really that good at anything except slowing the assailants down. Zombie-Kill-O-Meter: 4/10
• Car: Will certainly stop the Zombies, maybe not kill them but they won't be able to get out of the way, and you can escape while they're picking themselves up. Zombie-Kill-O-Meter: 5/10
• Other: Anything manoeuvrable, within killing range and easy to wield seem to be the best, blunt or not.

I Know Someone who is a Zombie but I Can't Bring Myself to Kill Them, Help?

Isolate them immediately. Throw them chunks of meat whenever possible and try and keep them healthy. There are programmes out there, which will train Zombies not to want to eat people, and keep them in good shape. However, they will still have Zombie instincts and may, naturally, want to nibble on someone occasionally, so don't get too close. Don't get your hopes up that you'll get your friend back, their personality has departed that body and all that is left is a mindless, flesh-eating, animated corpse.

Anything Else I Should Know About Zombies?

Don't be fooled! They may act stupid (and most of them actually are), but you do get an occasional 'Rogue' Zombie. These Rogue Zombies work together, they may set traps, ambushes, and work out how to use a gun, etc. No one is sure why these Rogue Zombies are like this but they shouldn't be taken lightly and must be avoided at all costs. Then there are Romero Zombies, named after the George Romero films they star in. They are actually creatures that can think, evolve and learn to use weapons, they don't moan and can be totally silent. Some even want to be left alone to live in peace.

Zombies Here, There, Everywhere

Can't get enough of Zombies? Then we recommend:

• Dawn of the Dead
• Stephen King's Pet Sematary - starring a Zombie cat called Church.
• World War Z
• Shaun of the Dead
• 'Zombie Apocalypse!' by Stephen Jones
• 'I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It' by Adam Selzer
• Hints and Tips for Survival Horror Fun
• Resident Evil - the Computer Game Series
• Zombie Dice - the Game
• Zombies - the Game
• Buffy the Vampire Slayer - the TV Series she killed other undead things too, like Zombies.
• Thriller by Michael Jackson - who appears as a red leather-wearing human who turns into a werewolf during the full moon, scaring his screaming girlfriend half to death - and then turns into a Zombie to join the Zombie extras dance. Thriller is a masterpiece, and at the time of writing it is the only music video preserved in the Library of Congress.