Clash of the Argonauts: 2019

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Clash of the Argonauts:
Round I | Round II | Round III | Round IV | Round V
It wouldn't be Christmas without a creature feature, a monster mash-up, pitching the creatures that feature in Ray Harryhausen's Greek Mythology films against each other. This year we have finally reached the Grand Final of the tense, edge-of-your-seat drama that is Clash of the Argonauts.

A reminder of the finalists:

Representing Team Jason: Talos!

A picture of 'Jason and the Argonauts' by Wowbagger

A 100-feet tall gigantic statue armed with a gigantic spear, with his only known weakness in his heel. In his opening round he easily squashed Bubo the owl as if he were made of tin foil. In the next it defeated the arrogance of Calibos and in the Quarter Finals his bronze body was impervious to the sting of the scorpions, while their exoskeletons were not strong enough to prevent their being squashed. The semi-final saw him against the greatest of the mighty Titans themselves, the Kraken, yet even this was not enough to stop him.

Representing Team Titan: Medusa

A picture of 'Clash of the Titans' by Wowbagger

This slithery serpent was once one of the world's most beautiful women. Transformed into a reptilian creature with snakes instead of hair and a rattle-snake tail, her body is covered with scales and she can only move by dragging herself around on her arms. Anyone who looks into her eyes is instantly turned into stone and her blood is poisonous; a keen archer, she uses poison arrows based on her own blood.

She defeated the figurehead of Hera in her first bout and the terrible tag team twosome of the Harpies in the Quarter Finals. The Hydra and its fourteen eyes were easily defeated.


Medusa slithers out of her corner, firing poison arrow after poison arrow at the colossal titan Talos in the distance, however these have no impact, bouncing off his bronzed skin. By which we mean metallic, not tanned. Talos creakingly gets off his plinth to walk achingly slowly towards Medusa, his metallic joints screeching with every step, yet despite the sluggishness of his every movement, his vast size means each stride carries him immense distances. Fearing she will soon be within the reach of his vast bronze sword, Medusa starts firing poison arrows right at Talos' face, attracting his attention. Annoyed by the stinging darts his reflex is to look down, making eye contact with Medusa. Too late he realises his mistake as he sees her eyes glow, and he feels himself slowly turning to stone. You can see the fear on Talos' face as he petrifies. He tries desperately to survive, clutching at his throat and trying to grasp the air in a hopeless attempt to stay on his feet while his bronze skin fossilises, but to no avail. As his bulk from his head down turns to rock he loses his centre of balance and collapses face first onto the sand. He feels the coldness of marble spread through his body until his extremities, arms and legs, turn completely numb and he loses consciousness and lies along the sand as a fallen statue.

Medusa starts celebrating her victory – but no-one is prepared to give her the gold medal in case she turns them to stone – when another creaking noise is heard. Talos, unbelievable, gets back to his feet. Having turned from being a bronze giant statue to a stone giant stone seemingly has had little lasting impact. He staggers towards Medusa, who being a serpent is unable to drag herself out of the way in time. Though she successfully dodges Talos attempts to step on her, grabbing at his heel in the hope of unscrewing the plug that keeps his ichor of life, the vital golden fluid that provides him with life, inside his body. Worried, Talos steps back and instead swings his bronze sword, decapitating Medusa once and for all.

Clash of the Titans Winner: Talos

Now that this is well and truly over with, will next year's Christmas Post feature a new tag battle, Sinbad and the Voyaging Seven-Eyed Golden Tiger?

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