Clash of the Argonauts

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It's Christmas in Heaven, there's great films on TV

'The Sound of Music' twice an hour, and 'Jaws' 1, 2 and 3

- 'Christmas in Heaven', Monty Python's The Meaning of Life

Ah yes, Christmas. The time of year when families are off school and work and spend time together huddling in front of the fireplace watching films on television. One of the joys of the season is the annual look through the film section of the bumper-edition Radio Times and highlighting all the films we want to watch, be it the 5-star films, Christmas classics like Scrooge or Wonderful Life, guilty pleasures like Son of Kong or whatever blockbuster film made only the year before last has a special big first terrestrial showing. Though no-one ever gets the chance to actually watch them all, it's fun to anticipate the possibility.

For me, films I really enjoyed watching over Christmas are Ray Harryhausen's Sinbad and Greek Mythology films. Greek myths and the Nativity don't have a lot in common, true, but c'est la vie. And like many a young boy, I'd spend time afterwards picturing what would happen if the creatures featured in these films met up.

I like the creatures from Jason and the Argonauts, but then I like the creatures from Clash of the Titans too. Which ones are better? There's only one way to find out.

Team Jason:

  • Harpies
  • Hera Statue
  • Hydra
  • Skeletons
  • Talos
  • Triton

Team Titan:

  • Aphrodite
  • Bubo
  • Calibos
  • Charon
  • Dioskolos
  • Kraken
  • Medusa
  • Pegasus
  • Scorpions
  • Stygian Witches
  • Thetis Statue
  • Vulture

Round 1: Team Jason v Team Titan 'B' Team

Harpies v Vulture

The vulture moves slowly towards the two Harpies carrying a gilded cage in its talons, but the Harpies wave flaming torches at it, scaring it away.

Winner: Harpies (Team Jason)

Hera Figurehead v Thetis Statue

The Hera figurehead opens her eyes and says that she is more beautiful than Thetis. Enraged, the statue of Thetis rocks back and forth, until the head falls off.

Winner: Hera figurehead (Team Jason)

Hydra v Stygian Witches

The seven-headed Hydra has fourteen eyes, whereas the three Stygian Witches have only one between them. The gruesome grannies are no match.

Winner: Hydra (Team Jason)

Skeletons v Charon

Charon, the boatman over the river Styx initially taunts the skeletons from the safety of his barge, knowing that the skeletons can't swim. He paddles too close to shore, forming an easy target for the spear-throwing skeletons, who knock him out of his boat and into the water himself.

Winner: Skeletons (Team Jason)

Talos v Bubo

Man of metal v bird of bronze. Bubo makes wheezes, ticks and clanging noises, until Talos stands on it, squishing it flat.

Winner: Talos (Team Jason)

Triton v Aphrodite

Triton, being half fish, has trouble standing up so it looks like Aphrodite has it in the bag. Despite Aphrodite being top-billed, she promptly disappears after saying one line, leaving Triton the only contestant remaining and the clear winner.

Winner: Triton (Team Jason)

All six members of Team Jason make it through to the next round, where they'll meet the Team Titan 'A' Team; Calibos, Dioskolos, the Kraken, Medusa, Pegasus and the Scorpions.

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