h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It is 11 pm in Hooverville. Power has been restored by the ever-efficient Hoover County Power & Light Company, who located the breach and blamed it on squirrels, as usual.

The lights come back on just as Zbigniew Przewalski arrives at Wlad's door. Wlad grins.

'Power failure over! But I'm glad you came, anyway. Can I get you a beer?'

Zbig nods as he collapses into Wlad's most comfortable armchair – which he got secondhand after his cousin cleaned all the dog hair off it. Ignatz greets their guest with head bumps and a lot of sniffing to see where he's been. Ignatz likes where he's been, so he settles in the farmer's lap as Wlad hands him a cold beer. Wlad folds into the rocker.

'How are Daisy and Reba?'

'Fine and dandy. That's a pretty calf. Somehow, they always do this late at night.' Zbig shrugs. He has no circadian rhythm left, any more than Wlad has. Wlad's curious.

'Could you tell what caused all the noise?'

Zbig shrugs again. 'Not really. I called Boris, because he lives over in Bruin, and he says nothing's wrong in Petrolia. But he could see a lot of commotion out by Killinickaguffy Creek. Lights, noise, a whole lot of running around.' Zbig leans forward in his chair, which annoys Ignatz, so he strokes him while he says, 'Boris swears that, before the bang, they heard a really loud airplane engine. It was flying way too low, and it wasn't no light plane.' His face takes on the look associated with the sharing of Bigfoot sightings. 'Boris says he swears he heard a whistle, like a bomb falling. And then, boom!'

Wlad is genuinely shocked. 'Somebody bombed Killinickaguffy Creek? Who? Al Qaeda?'

Zbig snorts. 'Al Qaeda! Do you seriously think foreign terrorists could find Killinickaguffy Creek?'

Wlad laughs. 'Or spell it, even. I hear you. Foreign terrorist targets tend to have featured in Roland Emmerich movies. Of course, that leaves domestic terrorists, the deep-state government, or…'

'BIGFOOT!' they both yell simultaneously. Then laugh and drink their beers.

After further discussion, the two decide that, unless the fire siren goes off, announcing further need for emergency aid, and barring calls from the church network that immediate assistance in the form of blankets, shelter, coffee, and food are required, the mystery of the bang in the night can wait until daylight, when the farmers will all drive their pickups over to Killinickaguffy Creek to take a look-see. This is pretty much their reaction to a possible tornado touchdown or local microburst, or even wild animal sighting. If it ain't imminent doom or the Second Coming of Nighthoover, it can wait until morning.

The two friends spend the rest of the hour chatting about this, that, and the other, and Zbig, who is married and thinks everyone should be (especially to a woman who doesn't care if you're out at 11 pm drinking beer with your buddy), keeps dropping hints about Wlad and Lola. Wlad deflects these innuendos as best he can, while thinking, 'I wish Lola hadn't had that strong cocktail. I kind of wanted to ask her out for next week…maybe I'll get another chance…'

They chat until it's time to walk back to the church. Wlad grabs his jacket and a bagful of music on the way out.

"It's kind of late," Fuller observed when the movie was done. :"You could stay over here if you'd like, Arsenio."

"No, I want to get back to my place in time to hear Wlad's music tonight. I hear that he has some special arrangements and a few new tunes."

"It's a pity that you have to leave so soon," Rose said, coming into the room with some sheet music. "When Aunt Aganista died, I rescued some of her old music. I've been going through it, and I'd like to sing "Ave Maria" with you. If M.T. could play the piano part, you and I could sing it together."

"I didn't know it was a duet."

"Yes, I have three copies of it. Shall we try it? You'll have plenty of time afterwards if you want to go home.".

Rose went to get M.T., and met her mother Philomena on the way. Philomena had been at an industry conference all day. "How did the conference go?" she asked Philomena.

"They spent hours talking about nothing," she grumbled. "Three hours in the morning and another three hours in the afternoon, and all we ended up with was a resolution limiting production of melamine."

"Which the Congress will probably ignore," Fuller said. Philomena nodded.

"Ave Maria" went off without a hitch. This was surprising, as both the singers and the accompanist were sight-reading.

There was no recording equipment available to record their duet, but here's a video of someone else singing the piece they did:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1OxBXD9Af8

It was twenty minutes to Midnight. Arsenio said goodbye to his relatives and headed back into town, taking a road that followed the river. An owl hooted in the branches of a sycamore tree as he passed. A rabbit dashed for cover by the roadside. Arsenio thought about where these animals would go to get warm when winter came. The owl swooped on the rabbit, and it was clear that only one would need to worry.

The streetlights were on, which meant the power had been restored.

I stood up as Cuddles introduced Fluffy and a rather diminutive young lady to me.

*So sorry for your wait; freaking squirrels knocked the power out again! Ok now, we believe you may have a problem the 'Pirates can help you with?*

This lady immediately took charge, Fluffy readily taking a back seat.

*Old MacDonald, by the way* we shook hands, *Let's go outside and talk…… there may be bugs!*

I looked around the clubhouse suspiciously and whispered, *FBI, DEA, local police?*

She looked baffled. *Don't follow?*

*Bugs* I mouthed, gesturing around the room, *There may be bugs?*

*Oh, no, deary me no! Let's go outside, coz there might be bugs, lightning bugs? Photuris Pensylvanica... as in fireflies, very pretty this time of night! We still have them late in the season, wildlife don't tend to follow the usual rules of nature around Hooverville!*

I followed the duo onto the immaculate veranda. Fluffy insisting I take the seat with my back to the road, even though my jitters wanted me to keep a lookout.

*Erm, sorry 'Mac, but I'm not going to see many bugs facing the bar?* I began to shuffle my seat around.

*No, no, stay where you are, we'll keep an eye out for you, anyways, I can hear you better from there*

Not wishing to argue, I settled back and began my story, only stopping when a prospect brought out more coffee.

*What a prize pickle! You're a lucky guy to be sitting here. Horrid is as horrid does, as we say in these parts* Fluffy offered.

I turned to Old MacDonald (Fluffy spoke as weirdly as he looked, and that was pretty weird, even for a biker!).

*Can you help?*

*Bad blood exists between the 'Pirates and Horrid, plenty of bad blood.* For some reason she stooped slightly as she spoke, giving a slight nod over my shoulder.

*So, if the Nite Pir…*

Bang! The night lit up, something thudded into the wall behind my head.

I was immediately pushed to the decking and Fluffy, Cuddles and three prospects pinned me down, bravely shielding me, but totally blocking my view as explosions and flashes echoed around us.

*Code Orange!* Boomed Old MacDonald.

Immediately, with stunning efficiency I thought, members ran out of the clubhouse, waving various weapons and jumped onto their bikes and trikes, hurtling down the drive in a spray of immaculate gravel and very mild obscenities.

I craned my neck enough to see a red pickup hitting the highway, the Nite Pirates bravely giving chase.

If this was Code Orange, Code Red or Black must be very impressive indeed!

I was helped to my feet, brushed down with an impossibly handy handy vac, and advised to leave town and go far, far away….like, now, dude!

Ah, lights are back on.

See if there's any party left at the station.

Yawn...

Hey, why do they keep calling me all the time?

Doe again, is it?

DOE: Just to tell you the cavalry is not coming. We found out your local eateries do not accept the vouchers we get, so we took a detour to DC. To be on the safe side.

Can you send someone over to check for unexploded ordnance? We would appreciate that. Don't want anyone to shoot something like that instead of a pumpkin, do you?

DOE: We'll see if we can spare someone this week. Good night to you. Got to go.

Wait, don't hang up, I hear shooting in the town centre..!

DOE: Any laserguns involved? If not, it may be outside our jurisdiction. Too normal. Why not call your Sheriff for that? We'll clear his "compromised" status if you like. Bon appetit! Really got to go....

So much for help from Area 51...

Why are all these bikes try to displace gravel? Do they have a sponsor for their tires?

Speaking of which, I am tired.

Come on. I need some shuteye. Let those bikers find their own trees to fold around.

Muzzzt Zzzleeep. Zzzhherriff will do own jobobob...

Therez bed.

Drop.

Rrrhhoooooôôhhhh zzzzzzz....

ing

Sandy felt he was coming down with the November misery so he decided to shorten this plague state by annointing himself with holy mentholated ointment, and downing the horrid tasting green cough medicine before turning in early to bed. With any luck he'd be asleep before Vlad's midnight organ recital shook the room. He was sleeping soundly and dreaming of a Revolutionary war ancestor of his who fought the British way back. He awakes at the noise of a very British voice wailing that everything was OK! What was this about? I thought the Americans had won that one. He grabbed a robe and put on his slippers in the dark.What was this all about?
Surely Fred would have turned on the siren if the Brits invaded. Maybe the minute amount of alcohol in the cough medicine drastically influenced his thinking. Seeing the streetlights were out as well, he decided to get back into bed and go to sleep after making some urgent prayers to Nighthoover to take control of the situation --since he is in no condition to deal with it.

Sheriff Rowdybush is patrolling towards the Fire Station when the power is restored. He turns the Police Motortrike down Liberty Street to check on the houses whose burglar alarms have just started ringing, and finds all is well – the alarms were triggered by the power coming back on, and it only takes the occupiers a few moments to reset the systems.

Heading towards the Police Station, the Sheriff hears the Mayor and the megaphone telling everyone When he goes round the block to Main Street he gives the Mayor a thumb's up as he passes and heads back towards the Fire Station. He sees some yellow glowing things in the shadows at the side of the road, but thinks nothing of them, filing them away in his brain as mere reflections of street lamps or car headlights. He sees and hears some fireworks going off and jumps, but then admires the display. He then sees the Nite Pirates zooming out of their clubhouse. The Sheriff is not worried as they often gather to raise money for charity so he assumes something like that is going on.

At the Fire Station he parks the Motortrike and goes into the building. There he is briefed about the events of the last hour by the duty Fire Officer while Fred snores somewhere – the Sheriff is impressed by the sound. The Sheriff also reports to the duty Officer about what he has seen while on patrol.

The Sheriff leaves the Fire Station, then drives the Police Motortrike back to Main Street and sees Wladislaw Winzekowski walking round to the First Church of Nighthoover with a bag. The Sheriff parks the Motortrike again and wheels round to the entrance to the Church.

When Wilhelmina opens her eyes again she lies somewhere on a hard surface. The bare branches of a tree are above her. The lights are back on. Someone shouts into a megaphone that there is no reason for panic and everything is under control. Wilhelmina feels not at all reassured.

For a few minutes Wilhelmina just lies there – wherever it is - staring up into the sky. The stars can't be seen as good anymore with all the lights on. She doesn't dare to move. Then, slowly, she tries to get up. Until now she didn't notice how much everything hurts. With much groaning she manages to get on her feet. She is in the park, her pink umbrella still lies on the ground next to her. Wilhelmina thinks about leaving it there as bending down doesn't seem like a pleasant idea, but then she makes the effort.

Supporting herself with her umbrella, Wilhelmina starts to hobble back towards the street. She doesn't remember that she ran such a long distance. On the other hand she was scared and now she is very slow.

Suddenly she stops.

Is the sabretooth still anywhere near? She looks around. It can probably not hide behind a tree, can it? And fortunately the bushes have no leaves now. But at night you can never be sure... She walks on, slowly and cautiously. Every time some leaves rustle Wilhelmina jumps.

She reaches Main Street and crosses it, then tries to remember where she lost her keys. She is tired and hurts all over and hopes she can go to bed soon. She reaches the second streetlamp on Main Street. That should be it. She looks around and indeed finds her keys lying half hidden under a parked car.

It takes Wilhelmina a while to get down on her knees and fish for the keys with her umbrella. When she finally has them she has to face the painful troubles of getting up again.

Wilhelmina hobbles back through Main Street and to the direction of the Town Hall, then walks around the corner to her door. She is relieved when she finally unlocks it and starts the difficult walk up the stairs to her apartment. But then, slowly she gets the nagging feeling that there is something she forgot and that whatever it was is important.

"HOOVERVILLE TOWN COUNCIL HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL!", says a megaphone outside. The megaphone belongs to the Town Council, and the voice in it belongs to the Mayor.
As the same time as she jumps at the bellowing, Lola is also startled by a beeping sound coming from the house on the other side of the street and light coming from her bedroom. And more light from the street too.
Ah, power is back. Time for tea.
She turns the kettle on while she puts the flashlight away on the bedside table, and when she comes back the water is ready, and the beeping has stopped.
A mug. Her infuser. A spoonful of vanilla-flavoured rooibos. Let it steep a few minutes, dump the infuser into the sink, and take the mug to the bedroom.
Start settling into bed with book and mug.
Remember amends need to be made in the case of Nighthoover's imminent Second Coming.
Shuffle back to the kitchen, empty the infuser into the bin, rinse it, put it to dry.
Aaand back to bed again.
Book. Mug. Blanket.
Ready.

She sips her rooibos slowly while reading.
One, two, three pages left to the end of the chapter, she counts when the mug is empty.
Just three pages... It would be a shame to stop so close. All right, three more pages, then.

Quarter to midnight. No point in sleeping now, she may as well wait and enjoy the music. Especially as she missed it last night already...
Fifteen minutes, that's enough time to wash up the mug, and give the floor under the bed a good sweeping. And be ready for the Second Coming. Sounds like a plan.

Boom, vrooom, screech.
WHAT, now!
That sounds like a mix between Bastille Day fireworks and a Vin Diesel movie (opus 3.14, apparently, The Fast and the Pi-rates).
It's not like the PC bikers to go all engines out in the middle of the night. Maybe it's for another one of their fundraisers. Shrug. Ah well, if it's for a good cause... Noone in town is sleeping anyway.

Kitchen. Sink. Sponge. Mug. Put it to dry.
Downstairs. Cupboard. (Hi Harry). Broom.
Upstairs. Sweep, sweep, sweep. Fill the bathroom bin. Sigh. Push it closed until morning.
Think better of it. Take the bin bag out.
Downstairs, broom in one hand, bag in the other.
Prop the bin bag next to the door for taking out in the morning.
Cupboard. Put the broom away. (Bye Harry).
Upstairs.

Two minutes past midnight.
Just a little late, but it's okay this time.

Hermione was still walking up and down the streets of Hooverville with her megaphone when the lights went back on. The moment the familiar houses loomed out of darkness, she realised there was no longer any need for concern. She had over-reacted. For a minute or so, she stood in the middle of the street, feeling foolish. She dropped her megaphone and looked around, half expecting to see crowds of local people. They would have the right to be angry with her for causing unnecessary concern. However, the roads were silent and empty. The people of Hooverville had been sensible and stayed indoors. She gave a sigh of relief and turned towards home.

However, as she neared her house, she noticed something strange about the tree that grew next to her gate. It was an ordinary conifer, of a vaguely pyramidal shape but, tonight it had grown a bulge. As she stopped and stared, the bulge took on the appearance of a person. Somebody was standing beside her gate, as if waiting for her to come home. Her mind filled with wild speculation. After all, there had been an explosion before the lights went out. It could be Sheriff Rowdybush, checking that everything was in order, or a student prank. More alarmingly, perhaps groups of terrorists had invaded the town and were attempting to seize her and anyone else representing authority. Or they might be the special forces of an unfriendly country, determined to overthrow the government. She told herself not to panic and start believing in aliens arriving from outer space.
For a minute or two, she stood and dithered, uncertain what to do next. Then a voice came from the direction of the tree “Mum, it's me, Chris.”

Paulh gets the Gratuitous Predator Porn Prize for today. (Nice music!)

FWR is awarded Most Unusual Wordplay.

Caiman gets the My Work Here Is Done Award.

Elektra gets the Obligatory Anti-Drug Message Award.

Tavaron, Superfrenchie, and Minorvogonpoet all get Human Interest Awards for being Real People.