h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It is 9 pm. It is dark. The streetlamps are glowing. There's music coming from various places. As usual, the firehouse is noisy. An occasional dog barks.

Coming out of the lecture, Wlad feels his phone vibrate. It's Kurt Hasenpfeffer, chief organiser of the Food Pantry at the First Church of Nighthoover. Kurt has supplies: would Wlad come by and unlock the downstairs, please? Wlad would. He walks over to the church and unlocks the door, then helps the older men unload the supplies and put them in the cupboards in the pantry for distribution the next morning. Along with the canned goods and boxed goods, there are many five-pound bags of potatoes.

One bag of potatoes has a hole in it, and a potato falls out. Kurt scoops it up.

'This one tried to run away,' he says. 'It doesn't want to be fried, mashed, or boiled. But it won't escape!'

Wlad laughs. He exchanges a few more pleasantries with the volunteers, then locks up and goes home.

Ignatz is glad to see him. Like all indoor cats, Ignatz is privately of the opinion that it is absolutely unnecessary for people to leave the house. They should stay at home and keep their felines company. Necessities like food and cat litter could be delivered.

Wlad makes coffee, with a treat for Ignatz and a slice of cake for himself, and sits down to run through a few tunes on the piano. Hoovermas is coming up, and he needs to practise whenever he gets the chance. He contemplatively plays a new arrangement of that perennial favourite, 'Whence Is That Goodly Suction Flowing?'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_Z1yCNLTKI

Whence is that goodly suction coming,
Sweeping our sorrows all away?
Ne'er have we heard such glorious humming,
Ridding the world of its decay.
Whence is that goodly suction coming,
Sweeping our sorrows all away?

What is that light so cheerily blinking
Here in the night across our eyes?
Never so bright, the Hoover winking
Cleansing the clouds, till clear the skies!
What is that light so cheerily blinking
Here in the night across our eyes?

Hooverville! On your streets you will find him,
If in your hearts the current holds sway,
Out with the grime! Let cleanliness prosper!
In with the new, old pass away.
Hooverville! On your streets you will find him,
Plug in the hoover, and lettuce spray!


'Hm,' thinks Wlad. 'Needs work. Oh, well. There's time before the Hoovermas Eve service, thank Saint 2legs.' The church is likely to be full that night, and Wlad wants everyone to be happy.

After the rehearsal ended, Arsenio went outside to sit on the edge of the raised garden and get some fresh air. A man happened to be standing by the doorway, his ear cocked as if listening to the music that Arsenio's group had just been singing.

"That's a great choir you have there," the man said. Suddenly Arsenio recognized him.

"Elias Holtzinger!" he exclaimed. "How are things at the Groundhog Garden Center in Punxsutawney?"

"Arsenio!" he exclaimed. " I didn't realize you were here in Hooverville. I thought you had sold everything and moved to Florida."

"I couldn't," Arsdenio said sheepishly. "My aunt got sick, and I started running the china shop for her, and then she died and I had to run it by myself, with help from my relatives."

Elias shook his head sadly. "You have no idea how much you are missed in Punxy. Your coffee shop was the busiest place in town on Groundhog Day."

"I know," Arsenio said with a rueful smile. "I used to dress as Punxsutawny Philpotts, and sold even more coffee."

"That guy you sold the shop to started using cheaper coffee grounds. It's nowhere near as good. You had the perfect name: Philpotts Java Joint. That picture of coffee being poured into a coffeepot was a stroke of genius. Is there any chance you could add coffee at your present location?"

"Well, I have charity teas every Friday afternoon."

"And apparently you also give concerts. Tell me, how does your neighbor at he book shop cope with the noise. You were pretty loud there."

Arsenio shrugged. "Well, we used to do madrigals, which weren't very loud. Maybe we should get soundproofing, or find another rehearsal space?"

"I bet you only use the finest teas for your charity teas," Elias said.

"That goes without saying. I give away lemon squares from my aunt's family recipe."

"Give away?!! Have you any idea how much money you could make by selling them?"

"My aunt would turn over in her grave."

"She would also turn over if you let the shop go bankrupt! Look, I know that you got burned out in Punxy. You didn't have any children to turn the business over to. But look at how dead the center of Hooverville is."

"How do you know that?"

"I'm scouting out a location for another garden center around here. I talk to everyone..."

"Except me!"

"Sorry. I really did think you had left the area. There's talk of a new courthouse being considered on the other side of City Hall. That's gonna bring lots of foot traffic -- lawyers, defendants, their relatives. Most of them will want to have lunch or go for coffee while they wait for verdicts or court session to end. Look, you wouldn't have to give up china, just add coffee. You could call it, I don't know, Philpotts Coffee and Dinnerware, something like that."

"There's already a chain of Philpotts Coffee Shops in Britain," Arsenio said. "Besides,I would need more staff."

"Your cousin's kids are surely old enough by now to work part time for you."

"One of them already is."

"Well, there you go!"

"But Rose wants to be a musician, not a barrister..."

"That's barista!"

"Sorry."

"But she has three younger brothers, doesn't she? They must be almost out of college."

"One is training to be a computer specialist, another wants to be a wilderness guide..."

"Well, he'll have plenty of work if he stays around here! The Nighthoover River was voted 'River of the year' for 2019, and the Halfagainy may grab the top spot for 2020. But where will he work in the off-season, or when there are long rainy spells?"

I wiped my boots on the colourful welcome mat, not because they were particularly mucky, more due to the cheerfully bright sign on the clubhouse door that politely requested visitors to respect the newly installed eco-friendly carpeting.

"Until the Goodly Suction Comes...kindly use the mat!"

I looked over my shoulder for the umpteenth time that evening. I was sure the red pickup had been following me, but by this time I was seeing horrid people everywhere!

Cuddles stood behind the bar. The man-mountain looked dreadful. Deep dark, watery, bags under the slots he now has for eyes. Christ, does this dude ever sleep?

He waved a coffee cup towards me in greeting and gestured to an empty chair.

*Hope you've had a fine old time today, my friend, enjoying the delights of Hooverville?* He smiled and stifled a yawn at the same time, which was a neat trick.

*Actually Cuddles, that's what I need to talk to you and, erm, Floppy, about*

*Fluffy. It's Fluffy not Floppy!*

*Yeah, ok, good for you. Any chance of seeing your Prez?*

*P word! But, yeah, have a cup of Joe, and I'll go round him up* he didn't wait for an answer but poured two mugs of thick black liquid, gulped his down in two, and disappeared into the back office.

I sipped at the Walnut flavoured lava and waited for Floppy.

At night after twoHOO!
Then all the way down, we follow youHOO!
Then up again, where we will promise faithfully, not to go to sleep tonihiHIGHT!
Yes, at night after twoHOO!
The roof always will come down here, yooHOO!
And we go up where we will promise faithfully, not to go to sleep tonight...

Yes promise each other to go on until first light...

[Roughly translated from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWQDrAyZ-7I ]



Love that song! The way Ted played that home made plumberphone... Fantastic! Especially when the slide piece hit Pop in the eye, and what Pop did to it then....

Can someone pass me a towel? I think I spilled my down my back, someone's anyway.



Why are my pants buzzing? Oh, phone!

Yes?

Can't hear you over the noise. Hang on, I'll move somewhere quiet...

Right...

This is John Doe, from over at 51. Am I speaking to the commander of HFD?

Yes, that would be me. How can I help you?

DOE: We were informed of an alleged spatial anomaly in your vicinity.

Say that again in plain speach, please?!

DOE: Your local emergency dispatch called DC to relate about the apparent disappearance of an agricultural structure, inhabitance unconfirmed.

Oh, that. That was a mistake. A Hoax to distract me from the surprise party for my birthday.

DOE: It is up to decide to us what is a hoax and what is not. Could you provide us with a grid reference for the B-52 squadrons we scrambled?

You WHAT?! Can't you call them back? There is no need for that!?

DOE: As I said, it is now up to us to decide about such actions. Anyway, B-52 squadrons are like eggs. Once scrambled, you cannot just unscramble them... Those boys have been waiting for an opportunity to clean out their ammo stock for ages, to get something less dusty. Can't have the enemy die of asthma first if you intend to blow them to smithereens. We also need somewhere to land the Chinooks. Any suggestions?

I still don't think this is a good idea... Did you inform the Sheriff about your activities?

DOE: Of course not, he may have been compromised. We are currently running a full scan of the local social media for the last two years, so we will be informed sufficiently when we arrive.

Can I speak to your Commander please?

DOE: We are not sure Mrs President is available for comment right now. She is putting the First Kids to bed. That usually takes about an hour or so.

When can we expect to be bombed to the Eternal Dustbins?

DOE: Current ETA is 1005 hours for the Bees to put down a blanket, 1010 hours for the Cees and the cavalry to sort through the rubble for clues. The Big Red Button suitcase is currently in its charging dock, but will be available at about 1030 hours, if all goes wahooney-shaped. The regiment heading for Punxutawney will arrive about 25 minutes later...

Are you intending to bomb them as well?

DOE: You would be amazed at the amount of ordnance we had lying around here. As I said, can't waste an opportunity like this... Anyway, it would solve the groundhog conundrum for us, so it's a win-win situation. We've been at that for ages... We wish you a very good day (for as long as it lasts for you). Anything we should try to avoid hitting?

Well, how about everything?

DOE: I like your kind of humour sir, but we can't comply with that, I'm afraid. Bye!

HOOVER!

Who shall I call first, Mayor or Sheriff?

PAULA!! Can you turn on the siren? We may have to evacuate the town in the next ten minutes, as if that were even possible....

Wait, Forget the siren, I may have an idea...

ANNA!!! Can I speak to your boyfriend? It's really urgent! Tell his tech crew to get the stuff ready they used for the vanishing shed. Move it out of town, quickly! We'll contact them about what to do when they get there.

Hi Stéphane. Do you think you could project an image of our town at full scale? Give those loonies something to shoot at. You could make a screenshot of Google maps… Just make sure to remove the copyright notice and compass icon. That might give it away too much.
Ask Anna which bit of the farmland she owns would be best suited. The further away the better, I guess. Not sure I trust the aim of those guys.

Now I just have to find a way to cut the power for the real town before they get here.

Could someone call Punxsy to give them a head start in planning their survival?

[Ed. Notes: In all this glorious mess, you misspelled Punxsutawney.]

[We're about to be bombed back to the Hoover Age, and spelling is on our mind? But, yes, that is a misspelling. I am proud to say that I have properly learned how to spell it this month. Whichever afterlife might be available to me, maybe that ability will gain entrance to somewhere not so bad.]

[The Groundhog will bless you, Paul.]

[ He wouldn't bless my mother, who killed one with a baseball bat once. I would be too timid to do things like that ]

[That S probably fled in anticipation.]

[ Personally, I am more bothered about writing "It is up to decide to us" instead of "It is up to us to decide "]

[Can I place an order for the street lights to go out at about 10:04 and assorted booming noises at some distance at 10:05 (just one or two minutes wlll do) for the next hour installment? That would apparently save a lot of lives, according to the scriptures]

[My grandfather once killed a neighbouring dog with his folding pocket knife after the dog repeatedly tore at his trouser legs. He did warn the owner in advance that he would, next time. I suppose something like that would not be socially acceptable anymore in current times. He did sharpen the knife for the occasion though...]

[10:04 and 10:05? You got it!]

[Hoggetts had a dog that was fond of groundhog as an entree. Unfortunately, he'd kill them, then wait for the delicacy to ripen before enjoying the feast. Farmer Hoggett often buried it, but the dog dug it up again. He'd also roll in the remains and then attempt to enter the Hoggett residence...this did not go over well.

It is technically legal to shoot groundhogs in the countryside any day except Sunday.]

[Last Summer, my trailer park had a rabid mother groundhog. Animal Control had to euthanize the mother and all her babies. Life is red in tooth and claw ]

Wynken is on the road. He is equipped. He is ready. He has his night-vision goggles, tranquilizer gun, maps, laptop, drones, heavy-duty-trailer, ropes, chains...

The trail went south and out of the park. The sabretooth is definitely around the town now. Poor thing. It must be disoriented … seeing so many sights it definitely has no genetic memory of …

But why, Wynken worries, has no-one reported seeing a giant cat yet? Maybe it's just keeping itself out of everyone's way. In a way it would be great if no-one saw it. That way, there will not be any explaining necessary. Provided he can capture it. If someone *did* see it, Wynken hopes it can be passed off as glimpses of an unusually large bobcat. Hoping they didn't see its foot-long canines too clearly … but what with people's imaginations and all, over-excitement, I mean, there are all those bigfoot sightings, and lake monsters, and aliens ... what's a sighting or two of a sabretooth among all those?

But if no-one saw it ... how could Wynken be sure that *he* is ever going to see it, shoot it (with tranquilizer darts, of course) and capture it? And get it onto the frikking trailer? Alone? The thing weighs a thousand pounds for all he knows.

As he approaches the town, there's a vague feeling of foreboding that descends on him. The cat is out and about but no-one has reported it. There's something ... ominous going on here. It's more than the resurrected prehistoric cat. Strange things, *more* strange things, have been happening in and around this seemingly sleepy little town. Wynken feels strangely left out of the loop. But he's going into the loop now, for sure ...

Sandy has decided to attend a history lecture at the college on an early American heroine named Anne Royall given by Professor Schmucker. Anne Royall was a widow of an American revolutionary war veteran and when he died she was cheated of her inheritance by her in-laws. Then to support herself she became one of the first female reporters and chronicled conditions on the east coast of the colonies all by herself. She used public transportation and carried her writing materials and all her belongings with her. It required lots of courage because here were a lot of thieves on the road. Sandy was impressed by the courage of this woman and figured that she had a great deal of faith in her creator to dare such an enterprise.

Her intolerance of hypocrisy and uncharitable church people reminded Sandy of his Sally. She could really get wound up about that as well. Anne was concerned about children and their education as well. She was also one of the first investigative journalists, blowing the whistle on corrupt local politicians as well as federal ones in the new capital of Washington. She irked these guys so much they tried her for being a scold with an old obscure law that was still on the books. Fortunately she had friends in high places that testified on her behalf. She was acquitted and her friends paid her legal fees. A87947950

Following the lecture, Sandy put his coat on and walked back along Main Street to his apartment. He made himself a sandwich and drank some grape juice to wash it down.

After Sheriff Rowdybush finishes his Quisps and milk, he decides he had better go out on 'foot patrol' again, just to see what he can see.

This time he wheels down Liberty Street towards the Fire Station. He keeps a lookout for bigger-than-expected cats as well as anything else unusual, but suspects that very little wildlife will be around as he is quite a distance from the Fire Station when he hears the booming sound of 'At Night after Two-oo' at full volume. He enjoys the music and can't resist playing air trombone at the appropriate moments, but can't go any closer to the Fire Station without his ears hurting, so he turns round and goes back to Main Street.

As he passes the China Shop on the other side of Main Street, Sheriff Rowdybush is pleased to note all is now quiet there. He notes the lights that are on in the apartments above some, but not all, of the shops. He notes the lights on in the River Pirates Inn - the earlier crowds have dispersed as expected so all seems as usual.

He patrols past the First Church of Nighthoover and up to the University again, where the lights are on as more evening lectures are taking place. There is no sign of any trouble, and no sign of the FBI, so he makes his way back to the Police Station. He checks in with Sergeant Beatty, then goes back to his apartment, puts the TV on and settles down on the sofa to watch a detective show A45377553

While the adverts play, he ponders which detective show is his favourite. He liked the British version of Dirk Gently but he is looking forward to watching the BBC America version now. He likes watching Columbo A2458244 because that detective has great insight and also helps the Sheriff feel less rumpled. Basil the Great Mouse Detective A87829131 was a very entertaining film, as cartoons are the Sheriff's guilty pleasure. Programmes that push the boundaries of the detective genre are also pleasing to the Sheriff, especially The Avengers A87878768 and The Persuaders A87889252 . However, the Sheriff thinks the show he would have most liked to have watched would be Cool and Lam A87955401 as the pilot episode was so promising.

These thoughts are interrupted when the Dirk Gently theme music starts.

When the night comes, Sarah goes to her apartment, pulls the curtains shut and takes out the Book.

She stares at the cover for a few minutes. Should she open it, read it? She could just leave it in a corner and noone would be the wiser. Does she have to comply? She didn't get a say, never had a chance to refuse the burden placed on her family. Would it be that bad if the book just disappeared?

And even if she did put it away... What would she do with the plant? The seed is already growing, little green tendrils are pushing through the soil. What is she to do?

Lola sighs. She's writing in circles, getting nowhere. She needs something to happen, or she might as well just copy the same sentences over a whole page. All talk and no acts makes Sarah a dull girl...
Time for a break. Lola steps into the bathroom for a glass of water. She has no glass, of course, since she broke it this morning and forgot to bring a new one. She drinks straight from the tap, holding herh hir out of the way (or rather, trying and failing to). She wipes her hair with her towel.
Should she change the dressing on her foot? Probably. That'll take a few more minutes, but she needs that. Who knows, inspiration might strike her...
She takes a fresh gauze swab and the tape. She peels off her dressing. It looks all right, but she'd rather not bleed all over her sheets, just in case. She dresses her foot again. That feels better.
No sign of inspiration. She brushes her teeth.
Brush... Wipe... Clean... It's not ideal, but it could un-blank her...

Back to the computer.

Sarah takes a clean cloth and wipes the cover of the book clean. That's a lot of dust, for a book that was kept in a bag for who knows how long...
The cloth snags on a corner, tearing it a little. What is that?
There is a secret layer in the cover. She takes her letter opener and carefully slides it along the side of the book, slitting it open.
Inside the compartment is an envelope, and inside the envelope is a sheet of paper, folded in four.
She is about to unfold and read it when the phone rings.

Oh Hoover this isn't very good, is it? But at least she's writing. There will always be time later for revising and correcting and making it better...
Lola thinks she can't do better than that just now. She's tired, her foot is hurting again, and it's getting late. Also, she didn't sleep well at all last night, and she needs to catch up. So there.

She shuts down the computer, and gets into bed. Ten minutes to ten. If she dozes off right now, she can get a decent night's sleep.

When the singing is over, Wilhelmina sneaks back around the corner as fast and as quietly as she can. Nothing happened. Obviously the ritual failed, the Great Dust Bunny did not appear.

As soon as she is gone she hears two men talking at the back side of the building. Wilhelmina stays close to the wall and listens. She frowns. She almost explodes.

Dead center of Hooverville?! No place to go for lunch or coffee?! Philpotts Coffee and Dinnerware ?! At the other side of the Town Hall?! Have you ever heard of the Waffelhaus?! With the whole family working there that place will be huge!

Wilhelmina does all she can to stay calm. She looks at Cassy, who seems to watch Arsenio and the man he is talking to. She will show them. Everyone loves the Waffelhaus. Nobody will visit Philpotts' Coffee and Dinnerware. She is sure of that. She will show them. She will be better than them.

Wilhelmina decides that this is the best moment to go. She is just about to sneak back to main street when she sees the Sheriff drive past. She holds her breath and presses herself against the wall. Obviously he didn't see her. After a few minutes she dares to look around the corner into Main Street and fortunately the Sheriff is already quite far away. For a moment Wilhelmina thinks about pouring the contents of her thermos flask into Arsenio's Pickle Yews, but she doesn't want to hurt the poor plants.

Still carrying her umbrella and potted plant Wilhelmina walks back along Main Street to the direction of the Waffelhaus. Her legs are feeling cold already in her pyjamas. She looks forward to be at home in her warm apartment again in a few minutes. Cassy stays close to Wilhelmina but thinks about wandering off on her own. Sabretooth or not, a cat has to do what a cat has to do... whatever that is.

SashaQ and Tavaron give the Editor a 'best song' award. Gratefully accepted.

Freewayriding gets the Paying Attention Award for picking up on the Nighthoover lyrics.

Caiman gets the Noisiest Post Award for about the dozenth time. Those firemen are LOUD.

Willem gets the Steve Irwin Crikey Award for sashaying out after the sabretooth.

Elektra and SashaQ share today's Fun Facts Award for extensive quoting from the Edited Guide.