h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

After reporting to the Captain's office, I make my way to my small but cosy cabin
This cabin is obviously a space for two people, but apparently, no one else has been assigned as my bunk mate. Against one wall are the bunks, and I take the top one. It's easier top spit on annoying bunkmates from the top.
I dump my pack on the floor and flip open one of the lockers. Whoever was here before me had a bit of an obsession with a teen pop queen from the era surrounding 2002. Who the hell is this 'Britney Spears' character anyway. Her teeth are way too straight and I'm sure those are implants. I spend the next few minutes finding way too much pleasure ripping the posters that adorn the locker into very small pieces.
After roughly shoving my belongings into my locker I turn to the wall that is the home of my vid screen.
"Holly!" I yell
Almost instantly a disembodied head ap[ears with a wiry grin spread across it's face.
"Alright?" Say's the ships computer "What's going down in Groove town?"
"Holly." I say. "I'm bored, what's there to do on this here ship?"................

Kasei

Hey! D'ya leave any of those Britney Spears posters for me to rip up<?>

*Walks in with a hairdo like Marge simpson*
*Turns to Holly on the screen*
Holly...

*catches sight of Rimmer and try's to surpress a fit of giggles*

Erm... hello Mr Rimmer. That's a very fetching haircut you've got there. Do you dye it yourself or is there a hair salon on the ship?

*loses battle to surpress the laugh and falls to the floor in hysterics*


"That's one of my best one's yet" say's a grinning Holly, his head nodding towards Rimmer

*Pulls herself off the floor and lean's roughly on the table*

I'm sorry Mr Rimmer is there something you wanted to see me about?

*Looks at him falls back on the floor laughing so hard that tears are welling in her eyes*


Kasei

*Rimmer, who still believes he has a short crewcut, doesn't understand what all the fuzz is about*
Yes, actually I wanted to see you about the safety protocols on the ship:
No pets
No dinosaurs
No sqiggly, sqoggly tentacle-slugs the size of king-kong
All radioactive isotopes should be kept in confindment or a closet
No spitting
If you see a man looking like something horrible from a horrible movie about something horrible it's just Lister
If that sexy looking woman/man who's your date turns into a sqiggly, sqoggly tentacle-slug the size of king-kong it's a polymorph, if this happens, please report it to EE, Plato, me or someone who cares.

*pops his head round the door*

Hi anyone at home?

*Slinks over to the table in the centre of the room and flops down in the uncomfortable space-corp issue chair*

*grumble, grumble*
No spitting!
*grumble, grumble*
What, not even over the railings and into the launching bays?
*mutter, mutter*
Ruining all the fun

Oh well....

Hello Cal, nice of you to stop by.
I was just thinking about taking all these shredded pieces of Britney Spears poster and turning them into a lovely papier mache piniata that I can beat mercilessly later on, but before I do that can I offer you some larger ?

*Looks over at the image of Holly on the wall screen. The ships computer is deeply engaged in the activity of trying to touch his nose with his tounge.*

*Rolls her Eyes*
I.Q. of 6 more like it.......

*puts his head back on his shoulders*

Sure I'd love one

How'd you do that cal?

Where are my manners, I'm Terran erm... the Terran. I think I became the cook recently, though nothing is for certain round here, so if you want any food ask me, and I'll try to get something for you(the emphasis on try).

Any more of that going around ?

Oh and whats happened to Rimmers head?

G'day Terran
Sure there's always more larger

but not those three, those are for me
you can have this one


Rimmer's head? I think Holly is a little bored
*looks again to Holly who is still at it with the tounge on the nose trick*
but I must say the Marge Simpson style really brings out the beadiness in Rimsy's eyes

By the way,
How does one go about getting assigned a post around here.
I'm quite happy to just bum about, but I'm sure there's something I can do on a ship this size.
I'm pretty handy with cocktail mixers, bazookoids, navicomps and if you stick me in front of a microphone I become a rock diva

I don't know any official route. I just messed about on the bridge for ages, and they gave me a job. Try that, it might work.

Right,

I'll just pop along and report to the bridge then.

You fella's can stick around if you want, I mean i bought along plenty of

Oh and see that box over there........ > > > >


Don't
and
I
mean
DON'T
open it

W
h
a
t
e
v
e

y
o
u

d
o

*jumps up, in hand and heads out of the cabin to find the bridge*

*opens the *........................................

*inside the is a smaller with a note sitting on top. The note reads "If you wish to go any further, be warned: This contains articles which may be offensive to some male viewers."*

*looks around anxiously*
*hesitates*
*gulps*
*opens the smaller *

"Oh MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

*Kasei's grinning face replaces Holly on the cabin's vid screen*

Told you not to open it


Hey I've just picked up something odd on the navicomp's scanners, you may want to confim my readings....

*Unable to take his eyes from the opened *
*begins sobbing uncontrolably*

What have you done to my Britney Posters ?

*Still appearing via vid screen from the Bridge*

That there is a voodoo replica of Little Miss Spears, I plastered it with bit's of the hideous posters I found in my locker. I figure that I can shoot it with a bazookoid later and hopefully we'll be able to see wheather sympathetic magick works 3,000,000 years in retrospective
's

Now, I'm wondering....... is the fact that I've picked up signs of artificall intelligence on a planetoid in quadrant 3 might be something that we should investigate?

artificial intelligence you say? well I guess artificial is better than none at all

*puts the voodoo Britney voodoo doll in my pocket for safe keeping*
*heads off to the navicom to see what's cooking*
.....