h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi Sprant, I hear you're looking for a few word re-definitions. Try these:

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confectionery (sweet) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people manoeuvering for one armrest in the cinema, train, etc.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

PEPPIER (pep ee ay') n. The waiter at a certain kind of restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper. Usually before they've even had a chance to taste the food.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

And always remember: a good pun is its own reword.

That's the stuff!

Sprant

Well in that case, how about some Office Buzz Words and Phrases for the 21st Century:

BLAMESTORMING Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CUBE FARM An office filled with cubicles.

MOUSE POTATO The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

TREEWARE Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

XEROX SUBSIDY Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

CHIPS & SALSA Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again. (Try not to dent the case.)

SALMON DAY The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get scr*wed and die in the end.

CLM (Career Limiting Move) Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."