h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Lil slows down as she reaches the trees, and then comes to a stop as she sees lights ahead*

What is that chanting?

*begins moving cautiously parallel to the lights and soon finds herself at the base of a cliff. There are lots of boulders of different sizes, along with numerous gaps and openings in the limestone cliff face*

*Sounds of chanting drift down from high above:

Quia tu es, Celery, fortitudo mea: quare me repulisti, et quare tristis incedo, dum affligit me inimicus?


For Thou, O Celery, art my strength, why hast Thou forsaken me? And why do I go about in sadness, while the enemy harasses me?

*Patrols the base of the cliff, sees some motion and goes to investigate. As he nears the place where Lil disappeared among the rocks, a jack rabbit leaps out and bounds away. The Scout chuckles to himself, turns around and continues his patrol.*

*threading carefully under two great big boulders, Lil finds a place where she can go upward without being seen, stepping on rocks. She comes to a point where she can see between two stones, down to where the lights are glowing*


Look at all the celery! I thought CLI only raised one sentient Herbiflora Celery, but this place is crawling with... armed celery.

And that looks like a church over there except it has celery leaves instead of a cross DANG I hate cults.

[The sound of dash-boots being used becomes audible ... and it's getting closer to Lil. Oh, all right, no point in insulting your intelligence by thinking you'll be surprised by who it is. It's Zero.]

apologies for being AWOL -- real life got very busy


Pssst! Zero! Over here!

[The dash-boot noise stops. Pause for the longest ten seconds ever]

[Zero] [popping up almost behind Lil; whispering] Here I am.

*has been holding her breath, hoping for a response*

Phooo! *startled* Thank heavens! The first friendly, er, entity I've seen in a month. Where in blazes are we? Did they get my messages back at the atelier?

And how do we get home?

*From the direction that Lil came, two figures can be seen approaching slowly. The first is an indian, leading his horse and peering carefully at the ground as he walks. The second is a masked man on a skinny white horse, holding his head and groaning.*

Lone Jello: Ohhhhhhhhh, my head!

Tontello: Chew more willow shoots, Kemosabe.

Lone Jello: But they taste like

*Tontello rolls his eyes.*

[Zero] Where we are? We're in someplace within the H2G2 borders but doesn't exist anywhere on the map. We got your message? Yes. How do we get back? Very quietly.

Jellos coming. Cave back here.



*moves carefully back into the tumble of boulders until she is tucked into a dark space between two of the huge stones*

[Zero also hides ... except that his hair is plainly visible if you look in exactly the right direcition from the right angle.]

*The indian and the rider reach the rocks. The indian looks up at the rider*

Tontello: Kemosabe, the trail leads into these rocks. I no can follow trail on rocks.

Lone Jello: (getting down awkwardly from his horse) We'll have to search on foot from here. Where ARE those stupid apes that were supposed to help us?

Tontello: Zeke needed many apes for contraption.

*The two jellos tether their horses to rocks and begin to climb, completely failing to look in exactly the right direction from the right angle.*

Lil and Zero - did you see what was going on in the Church before you had to hide?

Um ... I did now!

*Lil has shrunk deeper into the space between the rocks as she hears the jellos come closer, and now she notices that there is a passage beyond, right into the side of the cliff*

*She works her way backward into the passage, trying to keep an eye on the sky outside, for she is a well-known claustrophobe*

*Suddenly she trips and falls backward against a roof support, which gives way*

*There is a rumble and prolonged crash as a landslide fills in the front of the tunnel*

[Zero swears and dives for the tunnel, trying to help Lil get out. Pause as Zero notices that he is in full view of the jellos.]

[Zero] Um ... hi!

*The Lone Jello and Tontello both look up at the sound of the crash and see the Ape killer. They look at each other, fire a few shots and run into one of the houses carved into the face of the cliff. They climb ladders and work their way through passages until they find themselves in the village centre: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/classic/F91200?thread=191756&skip=0&show=20 Tontello: Him bad news. Lone Jello: He'll be dead news soon, with all the clones around here.

[Zero swings the saber as if deflecting the shots, missing both of them. Of course, they weren't going to hit him anyway.]

*Munchkin comes riding up from the ranch looking the worse for wear but with a determined look*