h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*a number of half broken horses mill about fearful of being branded*

*A tall figure, riding lone in the saddle, approaches from the pasture. He dismounts and hands the reins to an Ape who takes the horse to be watered, fed and brushed down. He walks over to the corral fence and puts a foot up on one rail, looking at the horses inside with a speculative eye. He singles one out and calls to a ranch hand.*

Bring over that black stallion over there.

I'll get that fer yer Jesse. Long time no see - how yer been ?

Yup, Howdy pard ... did you see those Gnu's in the pasture when you rode in - craziest thang ah evur did see.

*shakes head*

*Nods his head at Bart, then Bob.*

Howdy, Bart. Bob.

Yeah, those Gnus are something new we're trying. Tastes like chicken.

*The black stallion is stamping and pulling at it's halter. Jesse steps over to it and talks to it in a low soothing voice. The horse stops stamping and stands still, but still has a wild look in its eyes. Jesse continues to talk soothingly and slowly reaches out a hand with a lump of sugar. The horse snorts, then eats the sugar. Jesse takes out another lump of sugar and holds it out for the horse. This time, when the horse takes it, Jesse pets its nose. It allows Jesse to come a little closer and continue the petting. Jesse gives it one more lump of sugar and strokes its neck. The wild look hasn't completely left the horse's eyes, but it is quite calm now. Jesse spends a few more minutes talking and stroking the horse, then slowly backs away, releasing the halter. The horse stands for a moment, as if appraising the human, then turns and walks away. Jesse climbs back over the corral fence.*

A fine horse, that. That's the first time he's let me stroke his neck. Won't be long before I can ride him.

*nods approvingly from outside the corral*

Wull Jesse, thats the finest piece o' whispirin' ah've seen this side of the Peco's in the last decade. Mighty fine Jesse, mighty fine.

Did yuh hear about Reb, Joe, Yellow and The Kid ?

Ah don't know how to tell you this but someone has to and yer may as wwll hear it fer me rather thun a stranger. They got yer Pa Mellow as wull !

Scuse me Jesse - ah kin see that has shocked yew a bit but ah gotter git Bart n' Bob moving on a chore.

~to Bart and Bob~

Boys, get yerself some grub fer the Bunkhouse then git down to the pass and help Butch out - we jest got news that the posse is coming this way and we're gonner head em off at the pass. They won't be expecting that.

Before yer leave go to the armoury in the Ranchhouse and git some sticks of that new fangled dynamite - yer going to take that Gatling gun of theirs out with it. Jest make sure yer do a gud job on it !

Sure Zeke - leave it to us we'll take some blasting powder to be on the safe side .

*giggles*

Yer kin never have enuff pyrotechnics ah alus say ! They aint gonner know what hit em.

*giggles more*

*After hearing about his pa, Jesse turned silently towards the corral and leaned on the fence, watching the horses. After Bart and Bob leave, he turns back to Zeke.*

Yuh know, Zeke, when I was a kid, my Pa was the best Pa you'd ever want. He had a good job and we were well fed and had a nice house in town. He used to dote on Frank and me and he taught us both how to fight and how to shoot. But he was crazy about Ma. The way he looked at her, well, you could just tell that he was head-over-heels in love with her. He was always bringing her little presents and fussing over her and on her birthday, he used to take the day off work and make her sit on the sofa while he did all the housework.

He was quite a man.

But then, all of a sudden, Ma died. It was a freak accident with a bucket, but it broke Pa up. He just didn't know how to live without her. He took to drinking, lost his job, the house, everything. Frank and I took to robbing banks to pay the bills and we moved Pa up here to Peta Gulch.

He never recovered, and it was only rarely I'd ever see him smile, and only when he was dead drunk. And now he's just dead. I wish there had been something I could have done for him.

awwwww, that makes me sad! *sniffle*

Wull yer cud always ride into town and scrape him off'n the saloon wall Jesse. It wus kind messy yer know.

*Looks long and hard at Zeke. Speaks slowly.*

Now that might not be a bad idea. Pa always said he wanted to be cremated, so after this is all over, I'm going up to Peta Gulch, collect his remains and cremate him like he wanted.

And I'll ride back home and spread his ashes over Ma's grave, so they can be together at last.

*walks over to Jesse, puts a manly arm around his shoulder and speaks kindly*

Jesse, yer might wunner take a bit of advice fer an ole friend. yer see it'd be easily to go an git yer ma and sprinkle her over the town.

I told yer it wus kinda messy with Mello ..... real messy yer hear on account of yer Pa having a lot of gud whisky in his belly when he bit the dust. Took three days fer the dang fire brigade to put him out.

*Brightens*

So, he's already been cremated, then! And his ashes are in the place he loved most.

*Puts hand over heart and looks up.*

I sense divine intervention, here.

*Looks proudly back at Zeke.*

It's good to have the almighty on your side when you're in a fight.

.... err yup. Sure Jesse. Yer know thar's a feller round here that yer might wanner talk ter.

*looks round fer the preacher with a concerned look on his face*

*places a hand on Zekes shoulder*

Do you believe Zeke ..... believe in the one true Celery ?

*Apes are running in all directions after the commotion at the Ranch House*

Ook [prisoner escape - be on guard]

*Enters and whistles for his horse. The horse trots over and he begins to saddle her up.*

*Walks over and pumps the Reverend's hand.*

Well, Preacher, I reckon you've got the rights of things. I've seen Jello's hand in things around here and my doubts have been removed. Jello is on our side in this, so we'll slaughter those heathens in his name and to his eternal glory.

*Pats the preacher on the back.*

Jello be with you.