h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Wesker] I don't know what it is...
[Quicksilver] It could be alive, I've seen some strange things in my time... Sir, permission to scramble Rapiers and Katanas to assess the danger!?

"Do it," the captain whispers. In his mind's eye he can see it already. It is huge. An enormous comet, a long way from its orbit. Jagged spires of rock and monolithick mesas sprout among frozen rivers and fields of broken, sharp-edged ice. In the captain's vision, some of the protrusions suddenly break away, twist toward them, and flare.

Coming at them.

"Mr. Hofhine, hail it."

let's go! (bolts out of his pilot's chair and leaps into the nearest zero-friction tube.)

Yes sir, I'm sending a message on all available channels.

[Wesker] Rapiers and Katanas scrambled. They have just left the hangers...

"Mr. Hofhine, are they answering to our hails?" The Captain frowns an starts to turn to the Comm station when-

WHAM! WHAM! WHA-DOOM! Enormous shocks reverberate through the ship, nearly knocking the captain off his feet and upsetting a water glass. The consoles suddenl scream damage reports and nearly switch to emergency red lighting. As the pounding intensifies, he holds onto one console and moves to his seat. He plops down.

"They're beginning to annoy me."

[Wesker] We're hit! We have massive electromagnetic anomalies on several decks! Power's down in junctions 14/Delta, 27/Epsilon and 44/Kappa! It's like somethings draining the ship's power!

I'm not getting any response captain. I couldn't even tell you if what we are dealing with is properly sentient.

"Mr. Wesker, charge laser batteries and fire on all attacking bogies."

KA-WHOOOM! A massive impact jars the bridge, and the crew experience a scary drop in air pressure before the autosystems compensate for hull breach.

At the console, the captain notes the situation all over the ship. Mild casualties, a few concussions easily repaire. The ship's cross section is crumpled in places. He glances at some other screens. The asteroid has moved close enough for visuals. It is exactly as he saw it.

"Mr. Wesker, prepare to lase all contacts. Open plasma bomb ports and standby to give them a broadside. On my mark!"

[Wesker] Copy that! Cannons armed and ready to fire!

"FIRE!"

*The Cannons scream out into the darkness. The seconds tick by...*
[Wesker] Impact in three seconds...
*From the Captain's comm-piece, Quicksilver's voice can be heard, clipped and crackly with static.*
[Quicksilver] "Rapier Leader to Khar Siid! We're dying out here! Help us! Please! Are you receaving!? KHAR SIID!!!!!"

"'Fire!'" And the sky is lit with flashing hellfire.

SSSEEEE!! Briight lances of light stream, flash, impact. In a fraction of a second enough energy is released to obliterate a small moon. A criss-crossing, slicing, stabbing, machine-gunning phrenzy of photons. The bright pulses are joined with the slower-moving globes of light, plasma bombs, drive plasma funneled into magnetic evelopes and fired, to strike with the force of God's hand. Siid screams and shows its bite.

To no effect! The malevolent boulders do not crumble and turn to vapor at the hits. They glow, a crackling web of lightning arcs over their surfaces, and then they speed up.

"Everybody, brace for impacts!"

BOOOM! BA-BOOOM! SkRAGGA-WHOOM!

Decompression!

The air masks fall from the ceiling with a burst of gas release. As The Captain reaches for one, he says, "There are pressure suits in the hall, people. All non-essentials - that excludes me and Mr. Wesker, and Sci.Ofcr. Lizzy now - go for them." He puts the mask on last as the air grows thinner and finally disappears, and cold cloaks the bridge like the hand of death.

they hear him say in their minds.

*Wesker rises from his seat. The SCARAB systems in his body pumping raw energy into his cells, allowing him to live in the vacuum. The Neuro-Interface Link is dead.*
[Wesker] Captain? ... It's dead... Is... *He looks now at the empty bridge. Only the collapsed form of the Captain remains. He thinks for a while, them pulls out a Bolter. He loads Kraken Penetrator Rounds, and heads for the door.*
[Wesker] Goodbye Captain. I will not let this ship fall into enemy hands.
*He hits the alarm siren, and every siren on the ship begins to wail. He enters the elevator.*
[Wesker] Black Hole Containment.
*The Elevator bleeps, and the doors close...*

The doors rush open and Wesker steps onto Engineering. Quickly he bgins interfacing with consoles, only touching them to transmit his commands. The lights go red and klaxons begin sounding. The self-destruct sequence has been initiated.

WHOOOM! Another shock roils through the ship as yet another rock punctures the hull. Wesker moves unerringly, unstoppable on his course. Triggering manual overrides, he climbs down the long ladder leading to the Singularity Containment Chamber.

He pauses. A single red button, shielded by glass, lies to one side. Opposite the ladder is another ladder, with another button. Both buttons must be pressed at once to fully release the Singularity.

He doesn't hesitate. Wrapping his legs around the ladder he aims his Bolter behind him, and poises his other fist, and in one motion fires and smashes both buttons-

Nothingness.

*Something wasn't right.

Deep within Wesker's mind, someone was screaming.

It screamed as the Meteor attacked. It screamed as the Captain passed out. It screamed as Wesker moved to destroy the ship.

It knew that thing out there would survive. It's Warp Shadow was enormous. It would dip into the Warp, then return. It would live.

It screamed out into the cosmos.

And someone answered.*

"All directional thrusters, FIRE!"

The Captain bolts awake suddenly, disoriented and confused, as if from a long sleep. There was the bridge, real and alive, red emergency lights beeping and damage reports flashing.

"Aye aye, sir." Wesker says.

Huh? He remembered a great roaring as he awoke. Slowly, he recognized it as his own voice. Yet, he hadn't spoken it-

Everyone was there. His entire bridge crew. Blinking and rubbing their heads, but alive and at their stations, the air masks pulled down and firmly fastened.

He shook himself clear. He had battle to win.

"Any ideas, crew?" he says, voice coming in clear over the mask pickups. He stands to take command, and

knocks

away

a little card

on his desk.


"The Storyline Benders"

WHA-DOOOOM! Another prolonged jolt passed through the hull as Wesker reports the directional thrusters' premature burnout.

"Well, that worked for a while. Any ideas?"
"Captain," Wesker turns. "We're losing power once more."
"That's it!" the Captain yells, bringing his fist down on the console. (ouch) "They eat energy! Ceasefire! Khar Siid to any fighters out there, cease firing, you're only making it worse. To anyone, we need a sample of meteor."

KOOOOOM! A sharp, cracking sound. They turn and see a smaller meteor in the center of a spiderweb network of cracks in the clear dome.

"Who forgot to raise blast shields?"