h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*wakes up suddenly in the deserted clubhouse across the road*

Do I smell something cooking?

Man what a party! Can't believe the club is one year old already...hey that means that The Bikers Rest must be too...erm...one...

*staggers out of clubhouse, across the street and into the cafe, bottle of "Bikers Best" in hand*


HEY HEY HEY!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, THE BIKERS REST
CHEERS TO YOU AND EVERY GUEST

AND HERE'S A BOTTLE OF BIKERS BEST
(DRINK WITH CARE - THIS IS NO JEST)
- THIS BEER WILL PUT YOU TO THE TEST
(MIGHT EVEN GIVE YOU A HAIRY CHEST)
AND TO THAT I CAN ATTEST!
SO HERES THREE CHEERS FOR THE BIKERS REST!!!

oh...wadya doing with the boxes?

*Appears from behind a large hedge*

Boxes oh Bad One? What boxes? Where?

*Attempts to furtively shove a crate bearing Russian hieroglyphs out of sight in the hedge*

Kristina? Why have the chaps taken their t-shirts off?

Kristina is judging a tattoo contest?
Badzen, toss us a Bikers Best, willya?
mate!
Havasossidge?

Gwennie - have a barbequed banana - it's still in the skin - delicious!

Mmmmmmmmmmm bbqed bananas!

*mixes Pimms and lemonade, adds cucumber*

Oh.....praps I should have sliced it first

Oh! I dunno Caer...The cucumber adds a certain...I'm lost for words actually...

*Decides to munch on a barbequed banana*

Ewww! No one mentioned that I was supposed to pull the skin back first!

Of course you pull the skin back first - just think of it as a ... Perhaps I had better shuddup!

Bbq bananas are great with cinnamon and brown sugar!

I must be suffering from deja vu WR!

What sort of brown sugar?

*Has an urge to play the Rolling Stones number of the same name on the juke box*

Oh! I forgot to mention that I recently saw a flyer for a local night spot that was hosting a band named the "Wrinkly Rockers"...Any relationship to your good self?

Idunno! Maybe common ground in vintage, vitality and very-close-veins? But if they ROCK we're related!
We used to call our band 'Midlife Crisis' - but we outgrew that!

The Bark Club's got a great bike trip planned this winter to Alexander Bay - the most western point in South Africa. 4 000 k's over ten days - a gentle cruise among the Namaqualand flower fields? Now where will I find the cash to pay for it? Hmm...

WR!
*opening another bottle of Bikers Best*

Oh well, don't tell me what's in the boxes then....
*sidles casually towards the bush and the hidden box*


I'd love a bbqed 'nana...brown sugar and all...in PNG we used to bake bananas in ground ovens (hot rocks in a hole)...yummmmmm

Where's our flamenco-dancing host?

*a muted rumble is heard coming down the road, and stopping outside the Bikers Rest. Ralph parks his shiny Victory and wanders into the Cafe, almost getting his jacket and helmet on the hooks behind the door*

Hi, all. Sorry I haven't been around for a while, but I've been suffering from acute mental constipation! Things have been so rotten that even my virtual bike was out of commission for a while. I've written a bitr of poetry to kind of explain where my head is at.

As I Sit Here Whining
As I sit here whining,
Upon my sorry a**
I wish I was out riding.
Oh well, at least I'm saving gas.

I try to ignore other riders I see whiz by
Whilst on my daily commute.
When I weigh what I need 'gainst my income and bills,
My god, it just doesn't compute!

It's hard to find good parts,
For a bike that's nearly 30 years old.
And when you do manage to find them,
Ouch! You'd think they were made out of gold.

They say I need a new rear tire.
That's getting to be an old story.
I may try riding it anyway.
You know, "No Guts No Glory!"

All right, All right, I never said it was good poetry. It just sorta explains my mood. I've been waiting for over a month already for a tire I ordered that was supposed to be in in a couple of weeks.
*sniff, sniff* Something sure smells good. Is it done yet or do I have time to help get some of those boxes out there in here?

In Africa it is still common to find baking taking place in termite mounds. You find a suitably sized (preferably vacant!) clay termite mound and cut away a neat slice. Hollow out the inside and build a fire inside. When the outside gets hot, you put in the dough, meal, or whatever needs baking and close it all up again using the slice as the door. Seal the crack with wet clay. Open up again when ready and HMMMM! Delicious!

(If you're not sure whether the mound is vacant, cut away the slice and replace in position. If the termites are still in residence, they'll seal it up again overnight.)

Termite mounds hey? One certainly couldn't be worse than my oven that inexplicably burns everything I place in it!

It sounds as though you've got an enjoyable road trip planned there WR and I'm sure you'll find the money somehow...Have you thought about doing favours for sailors (six pence a go) to raise the money for the return trip?

*Places her person between Bad Zen and the bush and absent mindedly fingers her knuckle dusters*

Going somewhere Bad dearest? There's nowt in that there bush worth bothering your head about...

Poor Ralph! My hubby John sympathises with your predicament, as he is in a similar one and pines whenever he sees large motorcycles thundering past us. He also has a similar problem in finding parts for his old Honda CB754 K2 and was absolutely thrilled when he discovered eBay and their US site. John spent all his birthday and Christmas money (and more) on bike bits, as even with the high postage the parts were still cheaper when purchased from the USA. Unfortunately, what John didn't take into account for was the subsequent import duty, handling charge and VAT on any items costing over £19.00!

*Wonders whether she should also mention the deep wifely satisfaction of saying "I told you so!" to her hubby as she wrote out the Import Duty cheques for his purchases*

Don't talk about imported costs! 18 mumfs ago sumwun goofed and the SA Rand went belly-up EVERYTHING imported cost more!

Now we're getting better @ R12=£1 and R7-50=$1 and everyone is bitching that the Rand cost they actually paid reduced their profit margins and they had to push the price up - but the next batch they buy could be cheaper! I told them I'd buy mine from the NEXT batch, thank you!

Sounds like the time in the bad old apartheid days when we had a massive cheese surplus. What did they do? They INCREASED the price of cheese to finance an advertising campaign to try to get people to buy more so they could sell the surplus!

Wotawunchofbankers!

Gwennie - there are no sailors in Alexander Bay - just diamond divers and they get their jollies underwater.
But I can still buy an ice cold lager in a pub for £0-50 to quench the thirst and cool the body down from the sweltering heat outside!

*adds ice to the Pimms*

*returns from inside, where she's been emptying some of the boxes and stowing things away*

*looks at the remaining boxes*

Odd - I could have sworn I bought Russian as well as Finnish Vodka.. now, who was it that asked about vodka earlier?

*looks around with slightly narrowed eyes*

*almost gets distracted by the bare chested gents*

*Also almost gets distracted by the bare chested gents*

Vodka? Where?

*This time remembers to peel her barbequed banana before eating it*

Do these boxes go any special place, or just haul them inside for now? None of them are marked any way that I can tell. Is there another bottle of that Bikers Best around? That looks pretty tasty.

Just carry them inside please, Ralph - if you should have the time, you can just cram the stuff into the cupboards..

*her extensive experience tells her that the person who tries to look most innocent usually is the guilty one - those who really are innocent don't even have to try*

*sidles up to Gwennie*



Gwennie - you wouldn't have seen a box of Russian vodka?

*still at the nekked pecs*

*pump*


*pump*