h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

F87396?thread=211518&post=2436221#p2436221

*A shadow flashes over the courtyard as a dark shape blots out the sun. It is a large and ugly-looking alchemically-powered glider, with a BoE trooper piloting it. Seconds later there is a muffled thump and a curse, as the first of the glider troopers sets down rather awkwardly in a bush. Soon there is a large troop of evil creatures assembled under the trees, checking their weapons, securing a perimeter and stretching their legs*

Places, everybody! Expect an attack at any moment! Once the initial assault has been beaten back, you will split up and clear out the Castle room by room. You will bring me the head of the one named Mystrunner! And you will bring me the chocolate mousse, also. Please note the spelling.
You do not know pain, you do not know fear - you will taste *Knight-flesh*!

>HUZZAH!<

*The bushes rustle.*





*And rustle again.*





*This time it's the trees.*




*A hand taps an orc on the shoulder. It turns around dully.*

Excuse me, would you like some PIPING HOT DEATH?

*Mystrunner's dagger flashes across the orc's neck, and it collapses to the ground, trying desperatly to step the flow of blood.*

*The doors of the courtyard slam shut and bar, as they open outwards due to fire regulations. The door to the Monkey Shop opens, and a good couple thousand irate orangutans pour out. The bushes are cast aside to reveal several dozen soldiers.*

ATTACK!

Euan opens up the back room. Not only does the new, super improved Eric Mk2 (with the optional fluffy dice) appear, fully under Euan's control, but also several thousand lemmings.

Eric grabs an orc and throws him out of the courtyard. Then another, then another.

Euan grins.



Oh, and Legion, would do just fine. Tell GW that from me, will you?

* A new shadow appears in the sky. A sleek war dragon in full fighting trim ridden by a very determined Knight wheels into view. Flames shoot from Tewdric's nostrils and the flimsy wings of the gliders instantly become ash. Flaming bodies are seen plummeting to earth with a resounding splat. *

Legion: GET YOUR CREATURES OUT OF OUR CASTLE.

* brings Tewdric round for another attack whilst shooting Orcs down from the trees *

wheels out a huge magnet...everything is immediately attracted to it....HAHA!

Hey FWT, your having a disastrous effect on my aim, watch out for the arrows will you

* swoops low over the courtyard spearing a large orc on the end of sword. *

OK...makes it an elecromagnet, with appropriate bandwidth

That's better....thanks.

* showers bushes with a hail of arrows *

what did the bushes ever do to you?

< Do you really want me to answer that one?>

The bushes are full of orcs!!!

Well then shoot the orcs rather than the poor defenceless bushes

Ok then....

* glides round for another assault carefully aiming between the delicately flowering buds of the fragrant shrubs and bushes that surround the courtyard. Tewdric's wings whumping gently creating a delicate breeze rocking the orcs from the trees. *

Eric Mk 2 rips off fluffy dice and hurls them into F87396?thread=211518&post=2438675#p2438675

*spook, an allie of the knights, comes to help them defeat the orcs.* spook corp just created a new piece of technology u mihg tbe inetrested in. it is an orc detector. *spook switches on detector.* ah, there's an orc - *spook shoots orc* and there, and there, and there. *bang, bang, bang.* this may take a while.

spook

Now! Unveil the batteries!

*The embattled troops pull aside a tarp to reveal a series of squat tubes mounted on a frame, with lots of serious-looking stencilled writing on them*

If we can't take the Castle, we'll leave it a smoking ruin! Prepare the charges! Come on, you dogs!

*Strides along the front line smacking heads and bellowing orders. Lunged at by a soldier - dispatches him with several short, vicious cuts. Taking heart at this, the orcish line pushes forward*

I wonder where my team in the Kitchens got to...?

*Interrupted by a dark figure leaping out of the Kitchen window and plummeting onto the back of Odo's flying steed. Tewdric spirals towards the ground*

*The hoards of orangutans (Think the Librarian) rush the orcish front lines, wrenching the heads off the orcs in their paths.*

Fine. If that's how you want it, here's our high tech!

*A large section of the Courtyard rumbles, slides down, and moves away. A enourmous suit of armour slowly rises up out of the hole. Mystrunner climbs into the cockpit. Needles in the braces snap into his neck, drawing blood out to power the Guymelif. Mystrunner stiffens for a moment, gets used to it, and activates the rest of the systems.*
All systems go! Blood pact is working properly...
*One giant hand catches Bishop Odo and Tewdric, stopping their fall. Mystrunner gently places them on the ground.*

Terrorists, eh? Well, we can deal with that.

Terrorist? You've got me all wrong, buddy. I'm just a soul whose intentions are good - oh Lord, don't let me be misunderstood...

But I digress. Sixth Battalion? Put plan 3a into operation.

*A crowd of orcs fumble in their knapsacks and withdraw large, ripe bananas. They then make little mock screams and run off out the gate. The orangutans knuckle after them ook-ing excitedly*

They can't be blamed really. This is the much-vaunted Guymelif, then? *Sniff* No, no, it's really good, honest. I mean, small is really *in* this year, you know?

oh really!
i dont see YOU having anything worth bragging about
*shakes head*
its really pathetic!
and dont think i dont know about the orc behind me
*turns round and dispatches the orc with one stroke of the lightning sword*
wow that was easy!
*smirks at legion*

Can I kick some butt please?

*A nervous-looking young orc shambles over to fwt, looks back at Mr L, who smiles encouragingly. The callow young orc gulps, and turns to face fwt*

Orc: "Ummm. The boss says I'm to let you kick my butt. He says...ummmm....he says that I'm the most expendable member of the team, and that if you're going to kick any butt he'd rather it was mine. He says that you can kill me in as showy and gratuitous way as you like. Ummm. But personally I'd prefer if you didn't. Please."