JJ's Carmalised Movie Review
Created | Updated Mar 28, 2002
Since I am so incredibly perturbed by what happened (or for that matter, didn't happen) at the Oscars, I am going to ignore the fact that they ever happened and write a lovely parody of Fellowship of the Rings1.
Yes. So. On with the parody! - Whoosh. 
I've decided to cast people from the h2g2 as characters. I've also decided to cast a few people from the original cast. (Get over it, it's my 
-ing movie review page thing, and the Oscars have made me angry, and I can jolly well do as I please.) If I leave you out, please don't be offended; I'll probably do this again for movies/books two and three.
The casting goes suchlike
- Bilbo Baggins: Ian Holm
- Frodo Baggins: Firefly
- Samwise Gamgee: Sean Austin
- Merriadoc Brandybuck: Arleccino
- Aragorn, Son of Arathorn: My Daddy Death
- Boromir of Gondor: Sean Bean
- Gandalf: Sir Ian Mckellan
- Peregrin Took: Jedi Jade
- Elrond of Rivendell: Garius Lupus (A very Nice Danger)
- Legolas Greenleaf: Sea
- Celeborn of Lothlorien: Gw7en
- Galadriel of Lothlorien: Lanny the Master of Chaos
- Gimli son of Gloin: Professor C. Tonks
- Saruman: Insert your least favourite person here...
- Nazgul: Any group of television evangelists
- Tom Bombadill: Himself
- Orcs: Erm... Themselves, Yes.
Frodo: Yo, Gandalf! Wazaaaappppp???
Gandalf: Bilbo, give Frodo your Ring.
Bilbo: Okay, I'm going now, ya?
*leaves*
Gandalf: See ya at the pub, Frodo.
Frodo: Right then.
*salutes, begins walking along the path*
Doo be do be doooooo...
Nazgul: Boo.
Frodo: Eek! You have taken me out of my reverie! Jerks. What the heck is up with thaaaa...
Merry: (leaps up out of nowhere) Eek!
Pippin: (ditto) Eek!
Frodo: Eek! Don't do that, hosers!
Sam: I shall throw some mushrooms and they shall not catch us, never mind find us, now. Ha.
Pippin: My mushrooms!
*sheds a tear*
Tom Bombadil: Hello!
Frodo: No time for you, hoser.
Tom Bombadil: Oh spoot.
*disappears*
Saruman: See, all I had to do was cross out 'good' on my business cards and write in 'bad' and I'm all set, ya?
Gandalf: Never saw that one coming...
Saruman: Excuse me whilst I go about preparing my vast Orc army and equally vast array of deus ex machina which were in plain sight for all to see.
Gandalf: Alas, if only he had imprisoned me at the top of a very high tower without walls or a ceiling so that he could not prevent a giant eagle from rescuing me, instead of in the canonical dungeon deep underground... Oh wait...
*leaves*
Frodo: *whispers* Keep a low profile...
Pippin: *loudly* And don't mention your real name, right?
Merry: *ditto* Or the Ring either right?
Aragorn: Right. Don't mention the Ring.
*mad laughter*
Don't worry; I'll save you anyway.
Pippin: *whining* Are we there yet?
Nazgul: Bwa ha ha ha. Give us the Ring, little worm.
Frodo: Sticks and stones may break my bones but names...
Sam: Hmm, looks like swords work too.
Merry: Do these guys /ever/ get tired?
Pippin: *quivering with fear* I don't think so, no.
Aragorn: Go away, bad men! For you scare my short and hairy-footed friends!
Nazgul: The five of us must flee, for we are outnumbered by this one Ranger!
Frodo: Wow, we're in Rivendell!
Merry: That was easy.
Pippin: Don't knock it.
Sam: Elves are cool!
Elrond: Get the out of my place; I don't need no trouble, yo.
Gimli: You can't kick them out while I'm here!
Legolas: Same for me!
Elrond: *yells* All right, all of you crazy s leave now. *aside* Someone get them their coats... Oh, and give them a few fruit baskets too. Maybe they'll get the idea that way...
Gandalf: But I only just got here...
Boromir: I'll just invite myself along. No real reason. Certainly not because I have larceny in mind. Nope.
Aragorn: Look, they fixed my sword! *swoosh* Whee!
Elrond: *quietly* Are they gone? Good. CONGA LINE!
Frodo: Such picturesque scenery. The green grass and leaves are so-
*Snow goes THUD*
Pippin: Where the SMILEY TYPE="bleep" /> did all this snow come from?
Gandalf: Don't blame me. Who knew that mountains could be cold on top?
Gimli: I told you we should have gone through the mines...
Aragorn: Aww, let the dwarf have his way.
Legolas: *Dr. Evil voice* Whatever, just open the bloomin door.
Gimli: Ummm, I have no idea how to get inside... heh heh...
Boromir: *under his breath* What a bunch of s...
Gandalf: Of course!
*applies some C4 to the doorway* *boom* *door explodes*
Sam: Such magic!
Merry: Ooohh, dead dwarf over here!
Pippin: One over here too. Neat!
Gimli: Boo hoo.
Pippin: HEY MONSTERS! COME AND GET US!
Gandalf: Twit. *thwaps Pippin*
Pippin: Ow.
Orcs: Oh good, we were getting hungry. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to keep an army fed in these abandoned mines?
Boromir: *slash*
Legolas: *pfft*
Gimli: *whack*
Orcs: This is definitely putting a damper on our relationship.
Frodo: Ow! Hey, hoser!
Aragorn: Alas, the ring-bearer has perished! Our quest has failed!
Frodo: Just kidding. I did the slide-blade-between-arm-and-chest trick while I was standing in profile to y'all. Pretty funny, ya?
Balrog: it, I was sound asleep. That really ticks me off.
Gandalf: We are like, so doomed.
Aragorn: Not if we run away!
*does so*
Boromir: First good idea you've had.
*follows*
Hobbits: *already in the lead*
Gandalf: *trailing* It matters not! You cannot outrun the demon!
Legolas: We don't have to... *run*
Gimli: We just have to outrun you. *run*
Balrog: You bum is mine, wizard!
Aragorn: Woe is upon our company that Gandalf has fallen!
Frodo: I'm over it.
Sam: Yeah, let's go, there's no food here.
Legolas: Wonderus are these woods!
Gimli: *sarcasm* Pssh, yeah, and full of cutthroat elves.
Galadriel: That wasn't very nice...
Gimli: Eek.
Celeborn: We were told of your coming... Well, 'warned' is more like it, I think!
Galadriel: I know you better than you know yourselves!
Sam: So you've got nothing better to do with your time then?
Galadriel: Wake up Frodo, and look into my mirror...
Frodo: Gods, can't a guy get some sleep around here? What mirror are you going on about? I only see a birdbath filled with water.
Galadriel: But it shows magic pictures of things that may or many not be!
Frodo: I'm guessing you're a day trader. Here, you take the Ring.
Galadriel: I will not. *hangs her head* For I have lost the instructions.
Frodo: Great, then I'm stuck with it.
Celeborn: Checkout time!
Pippin: *singing* 'and I'm sorry that you've turned to driftwood, cos you've been drifting for a long lo-
Gimli: Shut the up. Seven hours of that is enough.
Pippin: Sorry.
Aragorn: In the immortal words of Han Solo, I got a bad feeling about this.
Legolas: What, the beautiful sprawling scenery?
Aragorn: Yeah.
Legolas: Oh!
Boromir: Give me the Ring.
Frodo: Notice as I put it on that not only does it make me invisible, but teleports me away from your evil clutches.
Boromir: Aaaaaaarrrrggghhh! I'm only trying to save my kingdom, you hoser! Where is a rake I can step on, that it might strike my head? Ah, this will do nicely. *thwap*
Frodo: Best thing for me to do right now is head for the most dangerous place in Middle Earth.
Sam: Works for me, wot. They got barbeque there?
*they leave*
SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill!
Merry: Help, help Auntie Marv! I mean Auntie Em!
*waves his tiny sword pathetically*
Pippin: Christ, look at the size of these guys. We're dead meat.
Boromir: Fear not little hobbits, for I shall blow my special horn and we shall be rescued by soldiers - who are - hundreds - of - 8230; miles - away - guess we're pretty stuffed after all.
*dies*
SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill!
Legolas: *shoot shoot, stab stab* Look at my form! I'm good.
Gimli: And see how environmentally friendly I am! Blood makes the grass grow!
Legolas: *nods in appreciation and/or awe*
Aragorn: Looks like Frodo got away. Well, there's no chance in heck I'm going to step one foot closer to Mordor, so let's go in the exact opposite direction.
Legolas: Okay.
Gimli: Glee! *scampers happily along*
THE END
Post Script: For the record; Ameliè got hosed! Hosed I tell you, freaking hosed. Stoopid ing academy. What the heck was up with that? I mean, five nominations, and not one win. What the ??? And then the stupid Schizophrenic mathematicians /tied/ with the Hobbits. Some on here! Schizophrenics VS hairy feet. Who should have won? The hairy feet, I tell you, the hairy feet. And then the whole Moulin Rouge thing. How could a movie about courtesans beat out a movie about Wizards... and hairy feet... and guys with big phallic symbols? It's not fair! Not fair I tell you!!! Arrrrggghhhh!
