h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Aha! I'm going to be doing really well at confusing people today.
I'm meeting some people later that know me fairly well online, and have seen me around a bit irl. But I'm going to be dressed totally differently, talk about different things, in a different way, be sober (yes, really! sober!) and the icing on the cake, I'm going to use a different name!
I think that deserves a gold star!

These are the moments I treasure. If my work has helped to confuse just one person...Well...I've done my job.

I think I ended up more confused as I forgot who I was suppsoed to be, but never mind.

So...My work helped to confuse one person, then. Excellent.

Well done!

Now, whose house, and more importantly, whose h2g2 account have I stumbled across?

Oh...Well...Urr...It's mine isn't it?

Are you sure?

I think so...Let me look...Arthbard Vootenoy...Yeah, pretty sure that ones mine.

Did you check in the mirror and under the bed? Those things can get all over the place!

Okay, wait...Let me check the mirror...That's strange. It seems to contain an unattractive man with an abundance of facial hair...It kind of looks like...Oh, wait......Never mind.

Alright, now. Under the bed...Let's see...Dust bunnies...Dead cockroach...A stack of magazines with pictures of...err...Famous poets...And one H2G2 account. Hmm...Where did that come from? Henry David Thoreau? This isn't mine. Come to think of it, neither are these magazines. I would never disrespect...Famous poets...In such a way.

That's what they all say about magazines under the bed. Although I thought the updated excuse was 'those bookmarks aren't mine, I don't know how they got there, honest'.

Well, I was under the bed at the time, so it doesn't really make sense that there would be bookmarks under there, anyway. Though, I suppose it makes about as much sense as having a strange H2G2 account under there, so why not?

*Ahem* I hearby state that there are bookmarks under my bed. I also wish it to be known that they are not mine and I don't know how they got there, honest.

hmmm, well, this one has your name on it as a registered user.

Wait...Is that meant to refer to the account or the bookmarks. If it's the bookmark, it's really not mine, honestly. I've never seen it before in my life. It must belong to that stinking roomate of mine. If it's the account, who else's name would be there?

I meant the bookmark.

Oh, well, that must be some kind of mistake. I've never seen that before in my life. Honestly, this kind of thing's not my bag, baby.

Oh well, you won't mind if I have it then, will you?

*helps herself to the bookmark*

Oh...Well...Uhh...You know, it does have my name on it...Er...I suppose that makes it my duty to sort of...Uh...Get it back to its proper owner. So I should probably be taking it now. Won't be using it, of course, just holding onto it for a while...

Not fair.

Well, I'm sorry, but I think the owner would want his bookmark back. He's likely upset, as it is a very good bookmark. Not that I've used it, of course. I'm just guessing. And it probably isn't really good, anyway. It looks like it's disgusting and degrading and...other things.