Brilliant Quotes Of Management

• As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the
  building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken
  next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two
  weeks.

• What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
  encounter.

• E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It
  should be used only for company business.

• This project is so important, we can't let things that are
  more important interfere with it.

• Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No
  one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
  working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and
  I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.

• My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal
  that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was
  damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was
  write-protected.

• Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what
  I say."

• My sister passed away and her funeral was
  scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so
  that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He
  then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,
  "That would be better for me."

• "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is
  not going to discuss it with the employees."

• We recently received a memo from senior management saying:
  "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding
  the subject mentioned above."

• One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
  concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow
  would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would
  have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"

• Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I
  was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training
  programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the
  sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the
  training manuals.

  The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was
  called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive
  Vice President wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I
  asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts"
  (pedophilia?) working in her company.

  Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I
  be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR
  manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in
  his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to
  her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it.

  Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us
  that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday
  newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I
  resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my
  resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.

• This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated
  memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is
  endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current
  procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on
  innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of
  quality!"