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An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the changes that there will be another bomb on the plane.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a brief.
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters a room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A school teacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT
- Helium was up.
- Feathers were down.
- Paper was stationary.
- Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
- Knives were up sharply.
- Cows steered into a bull market.
- Pencils lost a few points.
- Hiking equipment was trailing.
- Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
- Weights were up in heavy trading.
- Light switches were off.
- Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
- Nappies remain unchanged.
- Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
- The market for raisins dried up.
- Coca Cola fizzled.
- Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
- Sun peaked at midday.
- Balloon prices were inflated.
- Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
- And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
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