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Real Resume And Cover Letter Excepts

  • I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
  • I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
  • Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
  • Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
  • Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
  • Its best for employers that I not work with people.
  • Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
  • You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
  • Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
  • I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
  • Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
  • Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
  • I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
  • I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
  • I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
  • My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
  • I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
  • As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
  • Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
  • Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
  • Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
  • Marital status: often. Children: various.
  • Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
  • The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
  • Finished eighth in my class of ten.
  • References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Letters Of Recommendation

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:

"A man like him is hard to find."

"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:

"I feel his real talent is wasted here."

"We generally found him loaded with work to do."

"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:

"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."

"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:

"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:

"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."

"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:

"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."

"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:

"Her true ability was deceiving."

"He's an unbelievable worker."

- To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:

''I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.''


1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

11. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."


1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

3. A room temperature IQ.

4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

7. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

8. Bright as Alaska in December.

9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.

11. Fell out of the family tree.

12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

14. He's so dense, light bends around him.

15. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

19. It's hard to believe that he beat out 100,000,000 other sperm.

20. One neuron short of a synapse.

21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

22. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

The Perfect Worker

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without

3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be

11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13 executed as soon as possible.


That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Letter To A Valued Customer

Dear Valued Customer,

Due to a dramatic increase in our overhead costs, we are obliged to charge you for our general support services from this point forward. Our new price list is as follows:

Simple answers £3.00

Answers which need some thought £7.00

Honest answers £12.00

And, for services we find ourselves performing even more frequently:

Answers to dumb and unnecessary questions £20.00

We cannot keep our standard reactions free any longer:

Shrug £1.00

Look dumb £2.00

Look very dumb £5.00

Get the boss £15.00

There is one reaction that remains free of charge:

Ignore you completely FREE

So Long, And Thanks For Laughing

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