Introduction

Perhaps the most compelling evidence that life is fundamentally unfair is the existence of, and indeed necessity for, long distance relationships. This entry contains an brief analysis of the phenomenom, some hints and tips, and some detailed information on using the internet to bridge the distance.

Given the large number of people that live within easy travelling distance of each person, it ought to be theoretically possible for everyone (except Australian outback farmers, polar research scientists, explorers, and religious hermits) to find someone geographically compatible; however, this is manifestly not the case. There are a number of theories about this: perhaps it is nature's way of ensuring variety in the gene pool - though it is more likely to be a case of nature have a good laugh at the expense of a small number of unfortunate humans.

Observation the First: Distance is subjective.

To paraphrase the great Douglas Adams: You may think that it's a long way down the road to the Chemists, but that's just peanuts to space. The point here is that distance as an obstacle in relationships is relative to the capacity of the partners to transverse that distance. Thus, lovesick teenagers who are unfortunate enough to live on the opposite side of a large city with poor public transport (i.e. just about everywhere in the UK) have just as much right to consider themselves in a long distance relationship as adults in geographically disperate towns, who have access to motor vehicles, airline tickets, or even - in extreme circumstances - trains.

The effect of distance is also dependent on expectation. Thus, relationships that have suddenly had distanceness thrust upon them may well feel its nasty effects more than those where distance has always been a festering, lurking possibility or even an inevitability of the introduction of distance. Therefore, a couple who live in each other's pockets for a while suddenly to be ripped apart by the cruel hand of fate, graduation, or a new job, will typically feel its effects more a couple who are more independent and / or expect distance. Relationships which start via the internet rather than what is naively called "real life" start with distance as a given, and expect to have to cope with it. Indeed, it is often the removal of distance that causes more trauma.

Observation the Second: Solid footing and realistic expectations are vital

Clearly, it is vital that a relationship is solid in its non-distance guise for it to stand any chance of working over distance. Several years of cohabiting might do it, a stolen kiss in a disco on holiday probably won't.

Your expectations should depend upon the strength and duration of your relationship so far, and the prospective time apart. Is it for a specified period of time, or is it "open ended" and perhaps for a long time? With the best will in the world, even if both of you want it to work, it might not. This might not be anyone's fault, just one of those things. This is as true of conventional relationships as well as distance ones. Some romantic partners agree a "no hard feelings" clause. Both partners agree to try to make it work, but no hard feelings if, for whatever reason, it doesn't. Not very romantic perhaps, but a sound investment in emotional insurance - you will have at least talked over the possibility of things not working out, and explored those feelings together.

Observation the Third: Some types of relationships survive better than others.

Tentative anecdotal evidence suggests that some types of relationship are better suited than others to surviving distance. In general, low maintenance relationships based primarily on friendship with a strong base in trust are better suited than fiery, passionate relationships through which the green-eyed monster rampages on an almost daily basis.

Starting a long distance relationship with Heathcliff from Emily Bronte's 'Wuthering Heights' is not recommended for three reasons. Firstly, he's not a very nice person; secondly, he's just not the type for it to work; and thirdly he is a fictional character.

Observation the Fourth: There are advantages in distance relationships.

No, really, there are. As long as you can see each other occasionally, there are real advantages.

Indeed, such are the advantages of long distance relationships that it can be difficult for partners to move to a non-distance relationship. Anecdotal evidence from other researchers suggests that the extra level of time commitment that a non-distance relationship demands can put considerable strain on a relationship, which can be completely demoralising after all the effort to maintain the relationship in the first place.

Other researchers report that some people seem to have serial distance-relationships tendencies. Could it be that the advantages are such that some people actually seek them out? Or could it be that the threat of impending distance enpowers people to finally declare their love to the object of their affections? After all, they may never get another chance, and the pain of rejection will be short-lived if the rejector and the rejectee are soon to be geographically challenged

On the other hand, the old proverb that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" may prove to be true. It might be that a bit of distance will convince you that you never want to be apart again. It can lead to marriage for you, and a sudden desire to vomit for everyone else.

Overcoming distance via the power of the internet

The pain of long distance relationships can be greatly relieved by the use of the internet. Telephone calls to foreign countries are can be expensive (although cheap phonecards are increasingly available) and difficult to arrange when different time zones are involved, and sending a letter is often very slow. The internet allows us to send messages all around the world cheaply, and instantaneously. Not only is it possible to chat to one another online by sending messages to one another, it is also possible to talk with one another via microphone and speakers. This section is a short guide to three of the easiest means of internet communication beyond email. Email, of course, is a very useful way of keeping in touch, but can sometimes be a little impersonal, and are only as private as the computer they're viewed on.

Instant Messenger Programmes

One of the earliest internet chat programs to have the ability to search automatically and tell you if a friend of yours is online at the same time as you are¹. Although this feature is common now, what icq does it let you have a real time text based conversation. That is to say, anything you type (connection speed permitting) appears at the same time on your partners screen as it does on yours. Other versions of essentially a similar kind of beast include Yahoo, AOL, and MSN Instant Messenger

The abilty to see one another's typos may not seem particularly useful, but the difference between chatting live and messaging one another can be massive - when you are just text messaging someone over and over again, it is not uncommon to start writing something, then change your mind, delete it, and start again.
In this way information about what you are thinking, and how you are feeling, is lost.

One of the greatest problems with having a serious discussion. or even an argument online, is the flexibilty of the use of language. Not being able to see the glint in someones eye, or indeed that someone at all, can make it much much harder to know whether what that person has just said was deeply sincere, scathingly ironic, just a little joke, or the ending of your relatoinship.

The instantaneous response of icq and other real-time chat programs often helps you follow the thread of your partners thoughts, and can therefore decrease the number of horrible misunderstandings that can occur.

Running ICQ

ICQ can be downloaded for free.

Run the .exe file, and after installation you will be able to create a new icq account, and start searching for your friends amongst all the current users of ICQ. Once you have found a friend once, but adding them to your contact list you will always be able to see whether or not they are online.

Trillian

Trillian is an amazing little program that impersonates ICQ, Yahoo! Messenger, AOL Instant Messenger, MSM Messenger and IRC at the same time. By setting up connections with all of them, you can message someone no matter what service they are using. Whereas ICQ, Yahoo! Messenger, AOL Instant Messenger and MSM Messenger are all fundamentally systems based on people only talking to to one person at a time, IRC is rather diffent.

Internet Relay Chat is the mother and father of all internet chat programs. It has been around for ages, and is used by thousands of people every day. It is a lot more complicated (and indeed powerful) than any of the other services mentioned, but it is worth checking out as it can lead you to fascinating places.

Running Trillian

Trillian can also be downloaded for free.

Once you have it up and running you can create new accounts or connections for all of the services available from the program itself - it will basically lead you to the relevant registration pages.

Trillian is brilliant because it lets you manage many different accounts without difficulty, and is also named after a character from The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

NetMeeting

Unknown to so many people, Microsoft NetMeeting is part of the huge amount of extra rubbish that you get when you install Internet Explorer onto your machine. NetMeeting allows you to connect to someone elses computer, and then net conference with them. You are able to talk via microphone and speakers/headphones, send text messages, draw basic pictures, and transfer files to the other computer. The drawing program can be particularly good fun - nice for drawing terribe pictres of domestic bliss, or playing noughts and crosses.

If you both have web cams you can also video conference, although this will put a lot of strain on some modems.

Talking with someone using NetMeeting is fantastic - if your sound gear is of good enough quality, then the connection doesnt sound much different from being on the phone, and because you are on the internet, your phone company either charges you local rates, or not at all for the extra time you spend talking to your loved one.

Running NetMeeting

Running a search for NetMeeting on any computer with Microsoft Internet Explorer installed on it will show you where it is. Once you have it running, you will need to go to the help menu and select About Windows NetMeeting. At the bottom of the dialog box your IP address is shown. You then need to email your IP address to your partner, and select Host Meeting from the Call menu. Your partner needs to enter your IP Address into their black box at the top of the window, next to the yellow telephone icon, and then click on that icon. Their computer will then call yours, which will be waiting in a state of readyness to recieve their call. After a few false starts you should be net conferencing.

Your IP address changes every time you log on, so you will need to mail or message it to your partner every time you want to net conference, but its a small price to pay.

Conclusion

In summary: Romantic distance relationships? Generally, try not to. But if you do, be realistic, communicate with each other - let your partner know how you're feeling. Watch the phone bills, and don't forget to write. An absence of communication can be fatally misinterpreted - say what you think, say what you're feeling, and say what you're doing - make sure that you're still part of each other's lives! Text messages are also great - actually phoning is not only expensive, but will inevitably take time. A text message tells your loved one that you're thinking of them - which is great to know!

A final tip - send letters, and don't tell your partner you've sent them. Nothing - short of actually seeing your loved one - is better than a letter.