h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

:::Onboard the Crimson Shark the teleprinter on the bridge begins to chatter away again:::

~FLASH CRITICAL MESSAGE~

From: ACF Commander Red Dog, ACF GHQ, The Dog House:
To: Alberta, Asst to Admiral Pinniped and the gallant officers of ACFS Crimson Shark, on the river near the Snow Fort:

~Message Reads~

So very sorry to hear about the continued bad news, and the demise of C.P. Officer Dibble. He was one of a kind and will be missed by someone no doubt. Well get a suitable inscription up on the memorial toute sweet as soon as I can recall where it is.

Splendid point about the ability of Cartoon Characters to bounce back as it were, and something we must all remind ourselves from time to time. We should be grateful I suppose that Yosemite Sam and Marvin the Martian were indisposed at the time of sailing and were not able to join the crew. Might have been fireworks eh !

Anyhow, as you may be aware we are engaged with the Cats on several fronts and resources are extremely scare hence the doubtful [and now formally discontinued] Policy of recruiting cartoon characters of uncertain loyalty into our ranks.

In the past we have found no effective tactics for dealing with Cartoon characters saving the deployment of more of them which only serves to exaccerbate the problem as you can imagine. We had a dreadful time with Bugs Bunny last year - on the surface being a rabbit you would`ve thought he would have been antagonistic with the Cats but he insisted on digging holes everywhere and eating such a prodigous amount of carrots that one entire unit of the catering Corps had to be deployed solely to keep him in the field. Well we had to give him a dishonourable discharge and brought in one Elmer Fudd who advertised himself as an expert hunter specialising in `gwettin wid of wascawy wabbits` as I seem to remember the promotional literature saying. We buried Fudd at the bottom of the hill where Bugs got him. The blessed rabbit still shows himself around here from time to time.

Still back to the matter in hand, we had noticed the s main mast coming over the horizon and then curiously stopping for some reason that you have now enlightened us with. Thanks for that. We have gathered our remaining Naval units and have dispatched them to your position down river. These chaps are the best of the best and it is with the benefit of hindsight that I now realise that they should have been deployed to augment the rather inexperienced crew that we sent you orf with. Still, not to worry eh.

So the crew of Stingray, Marine Boy, Captain Pugwash and Master Bates should be with you in two shakes of a jiffy. Rely upon them for they know what its all about. Just keep them away from the Grog and Bates away from the Cabin Boy for Bob`s sake. Can`t afford any more controversy, what !

Sad to say we can`t hide our disappointment that Top Cat and his gang got away from us in the remnants of the Stickyboat fleet .... probably heading for Pitcairn island no doubt if previous form is anything to go by. The loss of the Stickyboats is another blow to our cause sadly as they will be hard to replace from our diminished resources. Damned Mutineers ! We`ll hang em from the yardarm if we ever catch them.

Actually quite pleased with the zeal shown by the chaps in getting you up river in so expeditious a fashion. I know that Dougal is a difficult character to handle at the best of times and I have many adverse reports from him from his section leader Hector. In his defence he is a dogged fighter and distinguished himself in an action last month against MacHenrys Bicycle Brigade. Personnaly speaking I rather suspect that he has a strained relationship with Hector. You see they have never really gotten on since the Magic Roundabout - Hectors House ratings war in the late 60`s early 70's. You should really try to keep them separated as far as you are able to. You should also try to keep Dougals sugar intake up as much as you can as he does have a tendancy to get a little cranky without it- you`ll see this in his personnel file if you look. In a pinch Lieutenant Pluto can mediate if this continues to be a problem for you or the Admiral.

As a last word of warning, whatever you do do not, repeat do not under any circumstances that is, allow either Rhubarb or Dill the Dog in there with them as both Hector and Dougal harbour considerable animosity against them both, for much the same reasons as detailed above.

So all in all a quite splendid effort marred by some unfortunate but seemingly unavoidable consequences. We`ll mint a campaign medal as soon as we can for all the crew and as soon as you and the officers get back on dry land pop into the mess and it`ll be drinkies on me. What ho !

If this thread is turning RP, won't everything get messed up when some tries to join the ACF?

Take this as my application, and note that I have applied to be keeper of opposable thumbs! Powerful weapons indeed. MD

apparently not

That was for the cat, btw. the opposablethum dog is cool!
Hhayyy clipboard, bud! and welcome to the new dog!. check out the indduction center! Dmmit!

Yes welcome MD . Good to have you aboard.

Deer Everiwon
Pooh heer. I am reely sorry about yor Stickybotes, bees etc.
I thort I shud report cos Mz Colerige has orlredy flone off home and Mr Piniped is in the brig being detaned by Hektor.
The carton carricters are off back to the Peer now as well, leeving just yor ones and Mr Piniped. We orl hope that you deel out sum aproprite justiss to Mr P since we have gonoff him sumwat over this. Keelhorling is surjested as if you do it with the tide out everiwon will get a particlally good veiw.
If you ever need a hily traned army sevrel thosend strong in the fewcher then you cud orlways ask for us as an alternertive cos we can do the sevrel thosend strong part at leest.
I am pleesed to tell you that it woznt Offiser Dibble who was eeten it was Branes. Offiser D is still heer but a bit confussed. Im shore he will corl Comander Redog just as soon as he corectly identerfise a tellerfone.
Everibody who wants to cum abord is welcum I gess only dont jump up an down too mutch becos the angel of the deck is gettin a bit steap and it is corzing a bit of diferculty with the kwoits.
Yors and wishin you orl a Happy New Yeer
Pooh
(Mr Hektor is a bit tuchy about his former reelashens with Miz Zaza isnt he? Sorry I brort it up)

Is it me or is he having waaaay to much fun?

Welcome new recruits! we got boo<burgrs on the grill and something alcoholiiic (and, its good, too, take my word for it)
Help your selves.

Remind me... which side did I end up on..?

WoooHoo!!!! Red Fish!!! yu da man!!!
dances you are on our side! The side of righteusness and long luchbreaks!!!

Soooo nice to see ya!

Im still on your side? Oh good..!

~dons his Admiral uniform~

Where is my ship? I trust it is docked in the shipyard, all sparkling and gleaming awaiting my return?

yikes!
um,....wel....ya see, there was this giant cat offensive, yeh, that's it! And, it kind of ....how shoud I put this......


It's vertically just fine, but horizontallly it's a bit water-line challeenged...do the words "beached like a dead whale " mean anything to yu?

....

~silence~

....








... beached .... ?


I see. Who is responsible for this?

I'm not talking!


Anyway, admirable admiral that you are, you'll be able to sort things out in a jiffy.

REDFISH !!!!!!!

We can fix her .... she`ll be as good as new I promise. It was the cartoon character crew - they were *sob* a mutinous rabble. They killed Chief Petty Officer Dibble

Did I mention I am overjoyed to see you back - it hasn`t been the same without you

[Cat Clipboard] :

Gentlemen, we can rebuild it. We have the technology.

Did I not mention that I dislike cats, not to mention cats who sit back and hiss unmentionable ancient cynical licks at us. Oh really, well six million dollars is not really that much of a repair bill, guys. When that phrase was new and fud had hair, it was a LOT of money. Now I know why I am glad to be a dog. We'll find a way to regroup.MD

What would happen to the thread if a new, unforseen faithful member of the dog kindom, equipped with opposable thumbs, joined right in the middle of this fray? Never mind, it is so improbable.

Dear Commander Red Dog

Lion at your service (not a cat, please note, as we have previously discussed). It gives me no pleasure whatsoever to remind you of that earlier conversation, but I did warn you, didn't I?
Now that Admiral Red Dog has thankfully reappeared, I think it might be for the best if I just take Pinniped away with me. I will do my utmost to ensure that he never corrupts your threads again.
If you do feel compelled to punish him, then you should know that the End of the Pier Review is bankrupt and that I am no longer prepared to put up bail for the scrofulous little oik out of my own pocket.
Oh, alright...at a push, I could let you have the Speak-Your-Weight-Machine in exchange - but please be warned that this device has in itself a propensity for damage to property, and that I hereby disclaim all responsibility for anything whatsoever.
No...here's a better idea. You can have Pingu. Here, go on, have him. He gives me the creeps...
Yes, I realise that he looks just like a ball of black and white plasticine. Just don't try put him back together, that's all...

Yours having taken legal advice
Lion
(I'm just going to take Pinniped away with me. OK? Come here you repulsive little aquatic mammal. Just wait till I get you home...)

Lion again...I meant Admiral RedFish, of course. Too long in the company of Coleridge, I suspect.
L.
(Oh, and the SPAMs didn't kill Dibble. They merely ate Brains, but as Coleridge speculated, even that is unlikely to be terminal. Dibble is around here somewhere, honest).

[Cat Clipboard] :

Wait a second... what?