h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

a capule falls from the sky and crashes into the ground. then, suddenly An arena of rediculous contradiction appears without warning. Rainforests are being built tree by tree while a skyscraper grows expectantly towards the sun. Volcanoes are gently baking in the nearby desert sun and occasionally erupt cherry pie filling. CAUTION DO NOT EAT THE STRAWBERRIES!!! Kiro Yukai falls out of the skyscraper dresssed the half-brained fool with no fasion sense that he is (insert any poor taste in clothes here) and waits eagerly for an opponent.

then Ra thunders down from his solar energy powered chariot. The rainforests grow with double speed, the skyscrapers metal construction starts to glow deep red. the heat is now beer vaporising.
polar bears wake up from hibernation, seagulls develop a taste for cooked fish. in short: it does get hot. very hot. extremely hot.

*A Wristband with metal spikes appears out of nowhere and explodes sending Kleopatra hurtling out of it screaming "Anarchy!"* "I'm here to watch this battle go down!"

*crawls out of the cave he's been hiding in the past week or so (has it been that long?) and licks his wounds from his daring fight with his quite s****y ISP and prepares himself for battle*

since the fight hasn't actually started I think I'm technically still alive

Hey Kiro, I was wondering when you were going to show up again.

* Returning from a small holiday Ra sees Kleopatra and Kiro crawling throught the arena *
* pointing at them the air around them glows.. first faint red, *
* quickly changing to deep red and then hellish white *
* the temperature must be quite high *

Welcom to the sun my friends

*Two life-size puppets fall from the sky with swords in their hands, As the mortal Kombat song plays in the background. A loud ear-piercing scowl rips through the arena. The two puppets mouth the words 'Bring it!'*

Alright, now I'm confused. Who's fighting who? And what's with the puppets?

*Grabs a puppet and stuffs a strawberry into it, laughs as the Demi-God is impaled by 1000 straws*

*turns on the nearest God-enhanced air conditioner and the temp. drops back to normal*

"Better"

* the Sun God now waves to a pitch black cloud that suddenly storms in from .. the east? west? north? .. no from everywhere *

(* this is frightening indeed .. be afraid mortals.. be very afraid.. *)

* a heavy rain now starts.. the straw puppets immediately rot away and the air conditioner melts after short circuiting and crashing every power station in within 10 miles distance *

* the rain pours on and on.. Ra, the Sun God is amused.. the waters rise and rise.. minor gods either swim or tiptoe *

* Ra decides to add some lightning.. both for effect and visibility *

* distracted.. Ra nibbles some *

Kiro Yukai floats out of the water, carrying an exceptionally large catfish, now blackened because of the heat.

*smacks Ra across the face with the crispy catfish*

* although it doesn't go with the Ra hungrily devours the catfish *


* Ra commands a group of (solar panel powered) turtles that now march against Kiro Yukai.. *
* the turtles stainless steel beaks snap angrily at anything that moves and most things that don't move *

*floats above the water on the head of one of the puppets*
Where is Noah when you need him?

oh look, some fish!

Spreads his arms, and as he does so, The trees and skyscraper's grow, blocking the sun, The Volcano erupts, violently spraying Cherry pie filling and a fragrent smelling red cloud, further blocking out the light. The turtles stop.

*climbs onto a dolphins back*

Whoo-hoo this is fun!!!

* Ra likes cherry pie filling.. even if it's just a bit warm *
* Ra's eyes light up and heat up the turtles. powered by this concentrated light the turtles start snapping away on the volcano and change it into an enormous statue of.. RA * Oh.. nice

In the meantime the dolphin with Kleopatra on it's back starts swimming loopings towards deep sea.

I wonder If I can use that statue as a Voodoo doll? If I believed enough in this... I wonder...

of course you cannot.. well.. you can try .. but think of the deeper idea: the inside of that "voodoo doll" statue is rougly 1500gr C.
if this voodoo idea would work Ra would be belching out like crazy

(* Meantime Ra decides to add a series of lightning flashes.. just for the effect but also to keep the batteries of the turtles charged. The lightning flashes strike in circle like patterns around Kiro Yukai *)

*swims frantically towards the surface* Hey! Since when am I in this battle? If you look when I first came in, I said that I was going to watch a battle, not participate! THIS ISN'T FAIR!! *swims towards a plank of wood with my black cat Mixxles on it and climbs aboard*

maybe, but things in this arena don't follow the same physical laws as the rest of exxistance, I made it you know.

Man, that statue really does look just like you
*flies to the statue and begins waving hands mysically, chanting Swartzenagger catch phrases*

MUAHHHHHHH!!!

*swings hand and cuts off its head*