h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Welcome aboard Feel free to tell a story or two in The Lighthouse Bar or cook a or two in the galley (be sure to make sure it is not one of Flint the Parrot's offspring though )

Thanks, Skip'!

Hmmm... New cabin, eh? Anyone got any ideas how I should decorate?

Perhaps a nautical theme...

*Staggers through cabin door, ably demonstrating the entertaining, yet unpredictable swagger that can only be achieved after a bloody mary and four good measures of rum from the still in the swamp. Wonders why it's gone quiet. Realizes it's because he's stopped singing. Decides he better start again before stony silence of cabin allows him to start thinking of how his head will feel tomorrow.*

"Ish been a loaaaaw-woong road!"

*Tries to remember next line of awful Russel Watson theme song to new Star Trek series*

Erm... Oh, yeah...
"Gett(hic!) from there to he-ee-eee-yaaah..."

*Looks around cabin. First night on board so everything's very unfamiliar.*

Where'shhh th' bed? Wha'shh tha' hangin' on the wa'. (Hic!)

*Stares at hammock for fully five minutes, motionless. Time spent in a combination of trying to force eyes to focus on hammock, (achieves this by holding one eye closed with hand) and trying to remember what hammocks are for. Drunk part of brain (95%) wonders what the chilly feeling working its way up his spine is. Sober part of brain (5%) realizes chilly feeling is mortal dread. Sober 5% of brain starts jumping up and down, waving its arms in the air and shouting at the top of its voice. Rest of brain turns round to see what the fuss is about. Big bit of brain can just make out the some of the words the smaller part is shouting, as if across a great chasm. Something to do with getting stuck into some Ham Hock.*

I'm def-nitly not hunglly.

*Big bit of brain reaches the conclusion that the rope thing on the wall is something to do with dirty laundry. Very confused by the little sober part banging on about him having to sleep in the rope thing.*

*groans* Oooohhhhhh.....

*Chill running up spine reaches larger, drunk part of brain and cools it for long enough for reality of situation to strike with all the impact and unexpectedness of a Shire Horse dropping from the ceiling into your cornflakes.*

How'm I supposhed to get in there?

*Decides running jump is best option. Small, sober part of brain looks for somewhere to safe to hide while larger, drunk part takes over the controls. He strides across the cabin floor, two strides to be precise. Second stride tangles with day-glo pink plastic dinghy oar left on floor and sends him crashing headlong into hammock. He performs an intriguing variation of the double-pike with half twist and finally comes to rest with left leg entangled in hammock, bound tightly from the knee down, right shirt sleeve caught on the hook holding the hammock to the wall, and his head suspended over a bucket. Realizes that this is a fair, and handy under the circumstances, approximation of the recovery position and allows himself to slip from conciousness.*

Hope my snoring doesn't disturb the neighbours... *Last thought before passing out*

*Ignores strange crashing noises coming from nearby cabin*

*Wakes up with; apparently, a rhinocerous trying to smash it's way out of his head.*

Erm... Hi, Kes.

I seem to have made a bit of a mess in my cabin last night. Hope I didn't disturb you!

Can I ask a favour? Do you know of the best way to disentangle yourself from a hammock? It's bound pretty tightly to my leg. I don't really want to walk around with it attached to me like this for too much longer... I really need to change my trousers - but I can't get them off!

*Smiles. Takes large pair of scissors from pocket. Snips several times*
There! That's fixed it ... sorry about the shirt .... when the bleeding stops you should go see Caerwyn, the ship's tailor.
*Offers an ice-cold shot of Jagermeister to anaesthetise the cerebral rhino*

Ooh, thanks! I like Jagermeister...

Do you think Caerwynn could do something about this hammock, too?
Or should I just inflate my dolphin-shaped rubber dinghy again, and sleep in there?

Persist with the hammock .. they're good once you get used to them ... Next time ... take less of a run-up to it

Being as the "Long Jump" technique has failed, would you suggest something more along the lines of the Pole-Vault?

I have a pink plastic dinghy-oar that might serve as a pole...

I was thinking more of the "Approach with caution and try to avoid imposing angular momentum on the system" approach, actually ...

i always pole-vault into my hammock

using my wooden leg as pole, that is

( yeah, i know: one too many polish jokes )

Evening, Skip'!

Nice of you to drop in...

I wasn't going to crack any jokes about polishing your wood or anything like that.

Sorry, did you mean polish or Polish?!

(It's just I saw you carrying that long stick and I thought you were a pole-vaulter. *Replies in dodgy German accent* No, I am from Germany, and how did you know my name was Walter?)

Anyway... Moving swiftly along!

pole'ish

nah, i'm not a walter - but my brother-in-law is

*comes in, opens fridge*

Oh! Still here, Skip'?

Like to try some Welsh Cheese?..

*Takes several packs, blocks, wedges and slices of delicious looking cheese out of fridge*

I'm taking them over to Caerwynn's, she's got some nice red wine going!

Mmmmm ... smells good. Be sure you carry the cheese Caerphilly, won't you!

:: turns danish with envy ::

*Smiles Brie-fly*

:: sails into port, salutes ::

:: his wooden leg like a small ' stilt-on ' which he stands, proudly, stout and solid as a ' roque-fort ' on the forecastle. His right hand palm firmly grasps the wheel, in his left ' parm-es-an ' amazing bird... a parrot, named Flint. The captain throws a little birdseed to the ground and Flint, being such an experienced and talented ' pecor-i-no 's where to find the best seeds! ::

*Momentarily stumped for a reply. Kes nudges pirate Albert*
Cam (on) Bert ... can't you think of a cheese joke?