h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Sir Pellegrino]

**Still divesting, after several hours, his armour being more complicated than he thought**

To self -- Smart choice, boyo! No place in my world for headachy females, and arummathera..., urumerth..., soppy smelly stuff.

To fulsome (and well presented, it must be said) bosom of Sweet Young Maiden. Quiver on, you delicious mounds, I shall soon(ish) be releasing your young ripenesses from the confines of that fetching, if filmy, bustenhalter....

**bubbles on effusively, and more than a little interminably, about his plans for the pleasuring of the SYM.**

*can't bear the pitiable sight anymore and helps Sir Pellegrino*

[Herb Woman] (who liveth alone, deep in ye forest)

Ye wants some butter on that youngster. 'twould ease things immensely.

*Leans heavily on her stick, cackling quietly, till she has passed by and is out of sight of Sir Pellegrino, Floh and the SYM, at which point she drops the stick, carefully places her basket in a safe place and removes her voluminous cloak, to reveal a lissom maiden of quite astonishing beauty*

*Conceals herself and waits*

[Sweet Young Maiden]

*offers pat of butter from wicker basket*

*and waits*

[Sir Pellegrino...known for his effervescence]

**Refraining from thumping hairy chest, but nevertheless confidently displaying his now naked body, manhood and all**

[Narrator]

At this point I should advise the ladies present not to burst out laughing. The inordinate pride that young men have in their.. shall we say members.. may appear silly, but is only matched by the fragility of their egos. If you start giggling now, we shall never learn how inventive our hero will be with his pat of butter.

[Sir Pellegrino... effervescence scarcely contained]

Well now, my SYM, a little dance by way of getting to know each other? I feel a Tango coming on! To your feet. Let's posture. Let's be brave! Let's be very naughty indeed!

[Herb Woman]

*Stifles a behind hand.*

*(Wonders whose hand that was)*

[Sweet Young Maiden]

*postures*

*sits back, a malicious smile on her lips*

[Sweet Young Maiden]

*undulates*

[Morgas]
*watches*

[Herb Woman]

*Rummages in basket for some *

*usesto produce a bottle of barbera*

**Evidently and obviously pleased to see the SYM's undulations**

Well, now, most undulacious maiden, how about some rumpy-pumpy, then. And speaking of rumps, where did I put that butter? Ahh!, here it....

**Distracted by the bottle of wine, which brings back thoughts of home, and Mummy's pasta, and church on sunday and... Oh dear, it seems passion is not to be spent after all... unless someone can find a large glass of Barolo, with its renowned restorative powers!**

*produces a bottle of port*

[Sweet Young Maiden]

*swigs port*

*bosom heaves*

Tztztz...

[Sir Pellegrino - a fizzy knight]

**Stirred into appreciative interest by the stimulating sight of a truly magnificent bosom in full heave mode**

Come hither Sweet Young Maiden, let me weigh those wondrous orbs in my tender (yet rough hewn in a manly sort of way) palms, let me kiss and caress those sweet nibs, perchance to rest my weary head on such sweet pillows, and tickle the tender bits with my luxuriant moustache etc etc etc... (remember this bloke is Italian!)

Oh, and don't forget at some stage to turn round so I can similarly assault that jolly nice rump, which I have yet hardly glimpsed... (He said with a twinkle in his eye, butter pat at the ready!)

*leaves, looking for something to replace Sir Dragonet*