Umbrellas: A sure way out of the hood
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
As a citizen of the UK, a recurring theme of my life since childhood has been the umbrella1.
As a cyclist and horse-rider, an incomprehensible item has always been the umbrella.
As a citizen of London, I have learnt to thoroughly loathe the existence of the umbrella.
Personally I don't remember ever having owned an umbrella, except of the extremely transient variety which comes into my possession after having been mislaid by someone else on the London Underground and which suffices for a downpour before being misplaced, once again, amongst the empty beer bottles as I stumble from the bar.
Oxford Street, London is a hateful place for city-dwellers at the very best of times: crowded; fume-choked; congested and commercial. Central London is largely avoided by non-tourists even when the weather is mild.
Now, picture the scene in the event of rain - be it April showers or August onslaughts.
An umbrella occupies, in my estimate, three times the area needed for the person seeking refuge below it. The carrying of an umbrella is an exclusive hobby as the thing is designed for an individual's use. Often two people will attempt to huddle beneath one offending article; invariably one will become sodden and wet.
In the rare event that both remain dry, I strongly believe that it is because of an amazing exertion on the part of the holder - they will undoubtedly work hard to carry the umbrella at the correct height, walk at the correct pace, for their companion. Indeed, if any of you have ever successfully achieved an amble from A to B in the rain, under the shelter of the umbrella of another, consider yourself highly-regarded in the extreme. It is not an act of accident but one of honour.
Three people, certainly, do not fit under a single umbrella. In no way is it possible for a group of three - despite, as I mentioned, the fact that it occupies the equivalent area in real terms - to acquire adequate rain protection from a single umbrella. Unless, that is, it is a golf umbrella.
... For my purposes, I must ultimately avoid side-stepping into the world of golf and its umbrellas because my abhorrence of both runs so deep as to require my denying their very existence! Oh no... put it down and walk away!
Not only are umbrellas space inefficient, they also pose a significant health hazard. Circular in design, from around ten points of their structure protude metal spokes capable of causing serious injury and blindness, all in the unconscious blink of an eye. They are sharp, they are severe and they are carried - for the most part - by people hurrying head-down with no awareness of anything that goes on around them, except the fact that is raining.
In fact, some people seem so far removed from reality, so intent on calamitous climates, that they fail to notice when the rainfall has ceased. A passing summer shower can be long gone before some offenders realise. The worst insult of all is to dodge the spikes of an umbrella carried by an individual unaware that the rainbow they admired from the office window disappeared before they emerged.
It is not in my nature to whinge and complain, but a viable alternative to the misplaced invention that is the umbrella predates its existence and is entirely inoffensive. The hat2 - or the hood3 - serves an extremely useful, essential, purpose. Nor does it encroach on the personal space of others. A hat - or a hood - does not restrict the movement of the person in its possession. A hat - or a hood - can even be said to enhance an outfit, accentuate the style, add charisma and character.
Me, I'm just thankful that the heavens here in cyberspace cannot open, sending you all scuttling for the shelter of umbrellas. When I imagine you all, cagoule collars turned up to the storm, I know that I'm glad we have met. But let me never meet you out there on a rainy day...!?!
1Umbrella - A light portable device for protection against rain, strong sun, etc., consisting of a usually circular canopy mounted by means of a collapsible metal frame on a central stick.2 Hat - A covering for the head, often with a brim and worn out of doors3 Hood - A covering for the head and neck, whether part of a cloak or seperate
