h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

yes, that too, can we go now?

Please after you.
*Opens the door and walks out to the car. Ice sniffs twice in the air before walking a small distance to left and into an ally. After a few seconds he walks back out and causally tosses the limp homless man he was holding back into the dumpster. He licks an errent drop of blood of his lip and slips into the backseat*

Shall we undo the X-Box mistake then?

*Vomar looks at Garius with an expression meant to be read as "We've got our work cut out for us. Let's see if we can help these morons out of the rut that you're in." He turns to the wizards at the table*

Okay, well those were certainly....interesting....plans. A very basic, yet plausible, military strategy.

The first glaring flaw that you yourselves pointed out, however, is time. Your plans for conquering the adjacent dimensions requires not only a few armies of warriors from this dimension, but also armies from two others. Building armies from these dimensions will, of course, take time. You would most likely have to have the entire dimension fully conquered with no underground resistance movements or anything, and you'd have to make sure that you would rule with an iron fist in that land for a good two generations to remove any troublesome bitter sentiments from the current inhabitants of the land.

Now then. We also must consider just what conquering an entire world from an alternate dimension means. In this world of yours, you no doubt have creatures other than yourselves with some influence, correct? Other worlds have them as well. Dwarves, goblins, elves, demons, grues, gnomes, hobbits, fairies, pixies, nyads, dryads,....a really complex list. And these are just the least powerful among them. There are also ancient creatures of destruction willing to consume anything that they see after being waken from their long slumber. These creatures would, I'm sorry to say, side with the original inhabitants of the land. "Better the devil you know", and all that.

Now then, your scheme of conquering all adjoining dimensions has merit, but perhaps you have not considered what the geographic locations of dimensions signify. Imagine the dimensions being connected in manners similar to how we can move in normal dimensions. There are dimensions "below" you, which are not as advanced and would easily fall. There are dimensions to your "sides", which would be those most similar to your own in strength and power which could fall if you strike the first blow. Then there are the dimensions "above" yours which....

*Vomar pauses for a moment, appearing as if trying to find the politest way to phrase it. In actuality, he is attempting to recall how one of his previous clients, a very powerful chronomancer, once put it*

....would most likely not fall to you except under the most rare circumstances due to their advancements in power. In short, the best bet for dimension conquering at this early stage in your conquests would be to aim primarily for dimensions "below" you to supply you with many raw materials, while slowly preparing for invasions in a few of your dimensions to the "side."

The only way you could hope to compete in the dimensions above would be....

*Vomar pauses and considers for a moment. He looks to Garius*

Do you think they can afford the Allodar Kit?

Siun: *glances at Ice* you've got a spot on your cheek. *indicates the bit* Just there.

Canaru: That /was/ distasteful, Iceraven, honestly...

*exuent*

*Carefully wipes the drop of his cheek and licks it off his finger*

Just think of him like a big smelly cheeseburger... Humans hunt animals, I hunt humans just the cycle of things really. At least now his pathetic life ment somthing.

Siun: Yes, I think it meant "lunch."

mmmmmmmm hamburger!

*quickly sketches a hamburger and turns it real*

anybody want some?

Canaru: Can I get one with bacon on?

Siun: *elbows Canaru in the stomach* Canaru...!

Canaru: Ow... Well I'm hungry!

Soun: Oh all right...

*Calmly waits for everyone else to pile into the car so they can go loose Spring of the mortal coil*

I'll have a yard-long sandwich, toasted sesame seed bun, two long sausages, eggs, mayo, bacon, the works.

I'll have an antacid.

If won't be easy to hunt Spring down, folks.

*puts on her sulky face and strokes whitley*

and why is that? Whitley still thinks you know where he is *sticks her tounge out and turns her back on recrash and pack*

*Vomar continues speaking to the wizards*

You see, the Allodar Kit is an option that we offer some of our wealthier customers. It involves the ability to move "forward" through dimensions ahead of you, and "backward" to dimensions behind you. In short, this kit offers temporal travel.

However, most temporal travel techniques require a great amount of trouble. You've got to be sure that you don't cause yourself, or the universe, to cease existing. You have to make sure that people don't know that you're a time traveller, or it could throw off the entire time line. You've got to avoid temporal paradoxes at all cost, or else the Galaxy could collapse onto itself and form a black hole that would, eventually, suck the entire Omniverse into it as it grows in strength and power. You especially have to watch out for other time travellers due to the problems that can cause, such as two times machines arriving at exactly the same place at exactly the same time. With the Allodar Kit, complex spell coding has ensured that none of these disasters can occur.

We don't offer it to many people, because it's very expensive and dangerous. However, you may just barely hit the requirements necessary for this technology to become available to a civilization. You may have to pay a bit extra, of course, but hey, it's really effective. You can even travel to the future to ask yourself exactly which military strategies your opponents will use, and what strategies you used to counter them. An army of three could defeat an army of three thousand with this thing!

Siun: *gets in the car*

Canaru: *sighs and folows in after her*

*The car starts and begins pulling away*

Which direction does the map say luv?

Why, you... (lumbers toward Scruff)
(holding Pack back) now, now, Pack, temper, temper...
I'll do it! I surely will!
oof! Hey! I'm restraining you here!
(is dragged along by his enormously strong double, kicking and protesting as Pack moves ever-closer toward the defiant Scruff. His boots dig twin ruts in the ground)
I'm telling you you shouldn't do it!
I'll kiss her! Yes I will, and you can't stop me!
eh? (lets go and watches, prone on the ground, as the undershirted Pack walks catlike to Scruff)
I've been waiting to do this for a loong time-
(closes the distance in a giant leap, grabs Scruff by the waist, throws her over one knee and-)

SMOOOCH!

this is gonna be a looong week.

*Lauri sits up after being grabbed and rather than punch pack in the face she raises an eyebrow, picks up whitley and kisses it gently and whispers to it then tosses it lightly from hand to hand*

hey Pack wanna play catch? what do u think Ice? does Pack deserve to play catch with Whitley? oh and the map says to go that way *points to a road that goes into a built up area*

(reflectively) mmm... cinnamon.

...

oboy (begins unpacking medical equipment, certain that he's gonna need it)

with just a bit of earthiness...

*narrows her eyes at pack and aims whitley right for the face*

hush little baby don't say a word, my whitley got mad and pack's gonna get burned

oh yes?

Siun: *sighs* I need a ...

Canaru: Iceraven, when about do you think we're going to reach our destination? I'm not enirely certain how much longer it's going to take M'm Siun here to go completely nuclear....