We've had some fun in the Judges' Drawing Room this week, trying to recruit a replacement for the Skanky One. It's a bit difficult with the likes of GB and me trying to find common ground. I've come to the conclusion that we have incompatible psychoses.

Anyway, we've had quite a few volunteers. For a while, it looked like we'd inadvertently finish up with more judges than contestants, but thanks to our Rich-less organisational incompetence, we've managed to deplete the cast of thousands to just the names below. To those of you who were ready and willing but ultimately went uncalled, thanks, apologies, and please, please volunteer again to take part in the next running of the Stretcher. And in the meantime, welcome to pailaway and Taliesin.

The Challenge recently completed and judged here is the last but two overall. The one set below will be the last one that's judged. After it, your votes will decide the final three, so that the next Post but one will reveal who's in the final and set one more Challenge. It'll then be a straight public vote to decide an overall winner.

This Tropics Challenge produced writing of high quality from all the contestants – no more than we'd expect at this stage. I score using a system that I've been using from the outset, but there's little difference in technical accomplishment any more. I've therefore effectively ordered the Entries according to two criteria: how well they addressed the specific requirements of the Challenge (to create a scene and a persona within a relatively tight word limit, and to command that elusive trait of sophistication), plus how much I enjoyed their writing. Both criteria are ultimately subjective, which is why the other judges differ, why some of you will be scratching your heads again, but most of all why we're going to need your votes. After GB's Challenge below, we evict the two lowest scorers. The table below summarises the current order based on the judges' scores, but the more of you who vote, the less effect we'll have. I hope you obliterate our influence entirely, partly because I'm a coward, but mostly because h2g2 is at its best when it produces those famous blizzards.

Galaxy Babe

The one lady judge does a very unladylike thing and bellows laughter worthy of the newly-departed Chief Judge. "This is blatant pandering to the Judges, which Skankyrich taught me in Round One." Ms GB glances over at the bald croupier and gives him an exaggerated wink. "Thanks to him I'm an expert now. The signs are everywhere, those in the know already know what April's Entry of the Month is, so you were on a winner name checking that. You're either very astute, psychic, or do as much lurking as I do. Either way, I'm impressed. You also know that most ladies of a certain age have a thing for Indiana Jones-types, and you did put some images in my head (cough)." Ms GB waves her hand at the seal-like cocktail waiter and beckons him over with a flick of her bejewelled wrist. "A dear..."

1st out of 5

pailaway

Now then, how can one give slapstick the air of sophistication? (Sigh)
You just can't. However, this wins the Miss Personality spot in the
line-up for, well, for the having of fun with names.

5th out of 5

Pinniped

Alex has been making it difficult for himself ever since his high point back at the Photojournalism Challenge, through a combination of rough finish and a reluctance to really address the theme. Both defects apply here. It's the least polished of the five, and it doesn't attempt to conjure sophistication.

It is a fairly good piece of writing, from a more than capable writer, but it's in formidable company. This is not his natural genre, I know, but by this stage we expect the contestants to assume characters and contexts on demand.

5th out of 5

Taliesin

Fedoras are très , but where can I get some of that jelly?

1st out of 5

Galaxy Babe

A lovely story, very entertaining. Missed a word "I picked up a sheet of paper from a bundle lying on side table, and began to read." And I made the word count 1502, not including the title and the missing "the".

5th out of 5

pailaway

Now the language of this one is just delightful. Perhaps even, may I say, sophisticated. For example, "...as the band swayed into a sultry
rumba." Conversely, the appearance of Papa had a certain inevitability
about it.

3rd out of 5

Pinniped

The contrast with the previous piece is profound, isn't it? There's little to choose between the authors in their writing ability, and I rather think that Bea is well out of her comfort zone here too. She shut her eyes and jumped, though. The outcome is sultry and alluring.

Either this piece is extremely well researched, or it looks like it is. I don't really mind which, because the richness of the detail transports me as a reader. Maybe the portrayal of Hemingway is a little anachronistic (might To Have and Have Not fit better than The Old Man and the Sea?), but I'm not complaining. This is the full deal, replete to the last word, and the most rewarding read of a very rewarding round.

1st out of 5

Taliesin

You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!

3rd out of 5

Galaxy Babe

Mr B...this is turning into a very entertaining night. Thank you. *raises arms in air and claps like a seal, ensuring the flashy jewellery is displayed to fullest extent and jangles loudly* - where's that waiter? Another if you please...

2nd out of 5

pailaway

"The sun was sinking faster than my boat as I struggled with the scuba gear." Great opening line. In fact, its dime-store-detective-novel tone seems to me quite in tune with the kind of character we are to meet. It's both subtle and effective. In all, I simply found this the
most enjoyable read.

1st out of 5

Pinniped

Nearly the best, but not for the first time, Danny B drops the baton on the final change. It's a crass finish to a till-then fine piece of writing. Something similar happened with the Seven Sins offering, and I'm wondering whether an otherwise capable writer has a real problem with endings. You'd better knock the next one dead, Danny.

That said, there's much to admire here. It delivers the demanded sophistication, and the writing is bright, pacey and tongue-in-cheek. It's one thing knowing about Bond, but quite another to do the genre justice. This very nearly does.

3rd out of 5

Taliesin

Bond is back , but nothing blew up!

4th out of 5

Galaxy Babe

Have to say bonus points here for the nod to Douglas Adams (never could get the hang of champagne [Thursdays]) which made me laugh, and other memories evoked. Loved the treasure map and the mermaid. A salty tale and delicious in the way that something sad often is, you had me wondering if the mermaid had a rescued sailor in every port. Not sure about the opening speech marks with no close speech marks, bit of a puzzle that.

3rd out of 5

pailaway

This required the most googling - either on account of its
sophistication, or my lack thereof. By the way, I enjoyed the phrase
"fruitless searching" given the context of the story. Of all five, I
think this one has given the most food for thought. If you like apples.

2nd out of 5

Pinniped

It's pretty clear by now that dmitri needs no crit from the likes of me, but this is another very clever piece of writing and a delight to read. Though the narrative is more yarn than sophisticated anecdote, abundant sophistication comes instead in all the hidden elements, tricks and half-clues. Less confident writers wouldn't dare leave so much work to the reader - though he actually took that aspect too far in one respect, and so let Bea steal first place. (Drawing a veil over the sex still ought to be sexy, you know).

Forget the futility of trying to Stretch the India Rubber Man. Forget the occasionally-annoying narcissism. Just read this guy and enjoy it, because he can really tell a story. Fortunately for the rest of us, that isn't the only thing that this competition is about.

2nd out of 5

Taliesin

Life's a beach. Someone had to say it

5th out of 5

Galaxy Babe

Attention to detail is very important now. While this had me intrigued, the missing speech-marks spoiled the layout somewhat: 'What rotten luck,' he muttered. Doubly rotten that they should've modified their diet so inconveniently and that we should have chanced back to this very island. Out of all the hundreds of islands, why this one?' I was confused there whether the second sentence should have been a thought, unuttered, but it displays a speech-mark at the end. And the error here: "Whilst carefully avoiding the seeds themselves, natives grind them into dust that induces a zombie-like trance in nuisance(s) neighbours - and other enemies" did grate a little.

4th out of 5

pailaway

On the one hand, both Penny and the bioluminescence seem expendable
elements and don't really do anything to move the story along. On the
other hand, blowing orchid dust into the face of someone disagreeable is certainly more sophisticated than just eating them - so points for that.
Plus, I did like this line:
"Those poor people. No wonder they're celebrating. How they must have
longed to get rid of him."

4th out of 5

Pinniped

It's all there, but it's overwritten. The setting and the richness of its description are perfect, and there's thrilling and uplifting imagery such as the glowing water. TB's muse has a soulful streak, though, and with some themes the intervention is incongruous. I feel that here. I think the lesson finally offered is too downbeat for this Challenge.

The piece is more morality tale than sophistication, then. It's extremely well written nonetheless, and I hope our own Mary Shelley never loses the miasmatic quality that pervades much of her best work. Be that as it may, the lightness of touch that produced, say, Cuckoo's Eggs in Week One would have made all the difference here.

4th out of 5

Taliesin

Strange is good.. , although I prefer silly

2nd out of 5

1. You may vote once, and once only. Please email your votes to The Stretchers. If you can't use this direct link, hovering your mouse over the link should reveal our email address. If you cannot get the link to work, simply post below and we'll try to help you. You must quote your username and h2g2 Researcher number (U-number) with your vote; votes without these will be rejected without query.

2. Votes received after the deadline or cast onsite will not be counted.

3. If you're taking part, do not ask other people to vote for you. This is not a popularity contest, and we hope that everyone will vote for the piece they genuinely feel is best each issue. We reserve the right to discount votes if we feel that contestants are canvassing, votes are being traded or unusual voting patterns are developing.

4. Contestants are perfectly entitled to vote for their own pieces if they feel their writing is the best submitted; however, please note that we will be on the look-out for dodgy voting patterns, and that includes contestants who consistently vote for themselves.

5. Votes will be tallied using a formula that normalises the votes cast and scores given, then returns a number between 0 and 2. We will publish the rankings, but not the actual scores as they are rather undramatic, relative rather than absolute, and fairly meaningless to look at. In the event of a tie...err...we'll think of something.

It's refreshing to see that the last five are a healthy mix of lads and lasses. For the next challenge we'd like the lads to write and submit by Thursday 18th June (before midnight) something written from a female perspective. The girls will do the opposite; submit an article written from a male perspective. At this stage we'll let you choose EG or AWW and as I'm the generous judge, there's no word limit this time either. In fact I'll be super-generous and show you one I wrote earlier: Supporting British Tennis Players at Wimbledon. Imagination and observation are key here, we're relishing the outcome of this task – I've even had my bling polished. Ms GB.

The Stretcher Archive

Galaxy Babe, pailaway, Pinniped, Taliesin and (in spirit) Skankyrich

11.06.09 Front Page

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