h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Digusted, appalled - that's just horrible!
Those last rhymes are simply abhorable
As everyone knows
a child best goes
in a sarnie - as roast they're deplorable.

A roast goat is what I spoke of
Not a child just out of its glove
Although it is true
They make very good glue
When boiled in a pink plastic trough

The first thing when preparing a tot
Is to get one hell-of-a pot,
But when cooking babies,
Be wary of rabies
And other deseases they've got.


And now for something completely different...


"A novice who hailed from Geelong
Proceeded to get it quite wrong
It wasn't the Hash
That got him so smashed
But the water he drank from the bong"

My mate looked at me with reproach
As we tried to get stoned on a coach
Coach went over a bump
Dope fell out in a lump
And all I had left was the roach

As a pop star's arm neared a needle,
Up popped Jeremy Beadle.
Said Jerry, "That's not,
Right now, what is hot."
And the star curled up like a foetal.

As a consequence of my illegal habits
I spend evenings chatting with rabbits
For the wisdom of hares,
There is no compare,
So I recommend you get smashed and grab it.

There once was an enormous Stoat
Who grabbed Jerry Beadle by the Scrote
As he shook him around
And pummeled the ground
The audience had a good gloat

The thought of our Jes in the nick
Is enough to make anyone sick
His bearded chin
and his a**ehole like grin
I really don't like him, the pr*ck.

I think that it's for You've Been Framed
That old Jezza B should be flamed
and now with the smiley,
rotund Lisa Riley
presenting someone should be blamed.

The Fireman's Strike is Absurd
To be sure they've got to be heard
But 40 percent
Just ain't decent
By Golly that's more that a Third!!

But surely they're worth it you see
When your pussy gets stuck up a tree
If you don't have the time
To catch that feline
They'll do it in just a jiffy




Bassman

Some friends and I one night
Dropped acid and went on a flight;
Through the cities and towns
And then deep underground,
Short to say we were high as a kite!

I simply just couldn't approve
Of a substance that alters one's mood
Though, my ex-wife I'd say
Should take some every day
Until she is somewhat imbued



Bassman

I have to say that the thought
of popping or having a snort
of something that's made
by a man in Belgrade
in his shed is not something I ought.

Mind-altering drugs such as these
On the language we use put a squeeze
'Cause you simply can't say
I mean uh-uh, no way
"I was sitting down, taking my ease"

Phil
PS for funny songs about drugs, have a look here:
http://www.amiright.com/parody/misc/gilbertandsullivan0.shtml

Once I thought I was a tree
a Pill I'd popped you see
The wind in my hair
was quite unaware
Of the Squirrel having a pee

You know, that Jeremy Beedle
He really does give me the needle
But worse, by loads
is that Gary Rhodes
He's the apotheosis of evil.

Something I cannot contrive
Is how Kieth Richards is still alive
It's really a mystery
His drug-use history
And how his health ceases to dive.

Could we measure the compounds inside
Of the rocker who still hasn't died?
Is it 6 parts champagne,
At least 12 parts
And 30 parts formaldehyde?

c o c a i n e

Kieth Richards looks like a zombie
(Or a model for the store Abercrombie)
Like a mummy, he's thin
With his joints set with pins
Why is not he yet a gonnie?