1-2-1
Created | Updated Jun 21, 2003
This week we have a special treat for all of you... An exclusive interview with
God Almighty himself. So
grab yourself a comfy chair and enjoy...
The following momentous interview was recorded at a rather plush, well appointed suite in the
Ritz Hotel on the 27th of April 2000. Given that God doesn't normally do interviews, and that
some in religious circles might speculate that this might well be the fabled 'Second Coming'
(which is quite funny, because HE has never actually been away). It would rank in importance
along side the fabled John Lennon Playboy interviews, Watergate and the Lewinsky Tapes...
Monsy is seated nervously gnawing at her fingernails. Time is a concept Gods have never
seriously considered obeying, so take it as read, it's probably best not to invite them around
for tea*
be heard. Above this ruckus a booming voice says... *
GOD - I must have more rouge! ...Yes, yes, so you keep saying. Although, I've never
'been' a make-up artist. I have 'seen' more than you will ever know young lady!
Barbara Cartland's more pampered siblings, an old wizened man comes stumbling out of the
bathroom. Decked out in plain white robes and a beard, it looks like the ancient staff by his
side isn't just there for aesthetic purposes.*
the Almighty's chagrin*
Soundman - Look, we need to attach it to pick up your voice.
GOD - WELL, I NEVER...!!!
on the floor, trying to remove a pair of headphones*
bedazzling set of lights. He inadvertently knocks one of the spotlights. The spotlight responds
by leaping 10 centimetres to the side, before doing a pirouette not dissimilar to that of a
dying swan. For several seconds the lamp plays a waiting game circling around on the rim of its
base, before pondering whether it's cruel to subject sentient beings to so such unresolved
dramatic tension... *
GOD - Ah...there you are. Just wait a second...
GOD - I'm sorry about the Lamp... Anyway, Hello!
GOD - I would ask you how you have been, but I'm omniconscious, so I would just be
humouring you. If you like, I could turn up MY halo to make up for the missing light...
GOD - Yes...you said you had some questions. If we could get on, its just I've got
literally billions of things to do...
GOD - Alright, this kind of thing sometimes happens. Now using my divine powers of
errorless deduction, the first question you were going to ask, is...
GOD - Tell our readers a little bit about yourself, such as friends, family and pets...
GOD - Well now you come to mention it. I suppose, I should start by naming my close
associates, as you can imagine my job requires more than a little delegation. I suppose first
up I should talk about St Peter. St Peter was one of the ragamuffin roustabouts MY son used to
hang around with in the 'good old days'...or should I say, the 'god' old days. As it seems
quite fashionable to be a heathen these days...
GOD - Anyway, St Peter is MY right hand man. Some say that we are kind of like the
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis of Universe Management, of course, myself being the suave 'Deano'
part of the equation...
GOD - That rather unworthy interruption came courtesy of MY official Narrator. Someone
in MY position tends to demarcate most of the more perfunctory tasks. Unfortunately, with the
advent of Television, it's just so hard to get a decent narrator. Well at least it hasn't sold
its story to the National Enquirer. Yet.
GOD - Of course, I couldn't forget Saint Rasputin who has the most expressive eyebrows
in the known Universe. But, most of you will only ever hear about him in passing. Of course, I
can't overlook my SON. I generally don't like to bring his name up in conversation, as some
people tend to think that I'm suffering from an advanced case of Tourette's Syndrome...
GOD - As far as friends go, my old friends Lord Vishnu, Allah and Budda always enjoy the
occasional quite drink, I even make sure, I occasionally track down some of the Old Pagan Gods
for a wild night out down the Celestial Arms. Obviously, there are people around h2g2 I've come
to respect and admire, although far too many to list here, right now though...
that*
spotlight, seeing that it s broken bulb has left the wires exposed, HE applies the live wire to
Monsy. Monsy responds by doing a rather obscure Irish Jig*
Monsy - So how about your friends...
GOD - We've done that one.
Monsy - Ah... Well then, what brought you to h2g2, and now that you are here, what are
your thoughts on it?
GOD - Well, I have quite enjoyed the works of Douglas Adams, (especially all the little
asides about religion) and I was then horrified when I discovered he was gradually slipping
away into the Atheist Camp. Honestly, the nerve of the guy, after I have religiously sent him
Christmas Cards every year... So, after the gradual realisation that there is little 'Profit in
Prophets', I decided to use the new fangled Internet, to set the misguided back onto the right
path. I started my mission at douglasadams.com. Unfortunately, I got side-tracked into enjoying
the madness of Club Insanity. It was then I thought, I would give sobriety a go and decided to
decamp here...
GOD - I don't suppose I could ring the bell for room service? I need a light refreshment
- say a whiskey?
Monsy - Certainly...
GOD - Anyway, I quite like the surroundings here despite the high proportion of souls
who wouldn't know a God unless they ran over one, and believe me, it's not a mistake you will
be around to make again... Ah, here comes the bellboy now...
Bellboy - Mr. God, Sir, here is your whiskey. The same as you ordered before, and the
twenty minutes before that...
GOD -... and the tip you were about to ask for is 'If your civilisation invents the
wheel before the engine, it's doomed to failure... and to do an awful lot of unnecessary
sweating.'
Monsy - Ummmm... if there was anything that you could change about h2g2 what would it be
and why?
GOD - If I could change one thing, I suppose it would be to stop the powers that be
harbouring MY nemesis. It might be quite surprising for you to realise that h2g2 has the 'infernal
one' on its staff. Let me make this clear,
Shim is indeed HE!!! Now, you might say 'Sure, he
doesn't even remotely resemble or act like a devil', but isn't that precisely what the
'charismatic one' would do. Just take a magnifying glass to his photograph on his homepage,
you don't need to be Sherlock Holmes to find out the photo has been doctored to remove the
horns. A tip for the h2g2 staff, take a close look at him on Monday morning out of the corner
of your eye, and tell me if I'm not correct...
Monsy - Tell us a bit about some of your experiences here at h2g2, such as funny things
that have happened, surprising things that have occurred, or problems that you have faced.
GOD - Well...
GOD - There was the time I set up the
Church of the Electric Cross.
I had hoped it would be a place of sanctuary for the more pious souls of the h2g2 Community,
unfortunately, it just attracted the great-unwashed heathen masses.
GOD - Look! Enough about the Magnifying Glass Incident already! Anyway, there was that
time I got a little under the weather drinking 'St.Rasputin's Chemical Mindblower' at
Greebo's Pre-Wedding Drinks. At
least now, I know the Universe can spin-on unregarded, well for at least a few hours
anyway... In terms of problems, I suppose trying to convince the
Church of the True Brownie
that I only sanctified the said brownie, after a drunken bet with Lord Vishnu...
about... *
Monsy - There has been talk about a group called the
Guardian Angels. Please
describe the purpose for this group and tell us a bit about your thoughts on how it is
progressing so far... possibly give us some insight on what you would like to see happen with
them in the future as well.
GOD - Well, due to the extra influx of people of late. I thought a complimentary group
was required to help out the poor old ACES, what better than extending MY celestial servants.
A lot of people can't really spare the time to do justice to being an ACE, so I thought a more
open ended kind of group would let others fullfill their desire to help the community at large.
We are primarily a group set up to help new users who feel a little lost out amongst the
intrigues of h2g2. It's still in it's infancy, but that just gives people the opportunity to
make of it what they will. Besides all that strutting around in designer clothes, halo and wings,
surely must put your social standing into the stratosphere...
Monsy - Being God, you must be under a lot of pressure and suffer from a great deal of
stress at times, what do you do to relax and keep the pressures of your job from affecting you?
GOD - Well, yes. I do work under a great deal of stress, but I suppose, we all have our
own crosses to bear. It just takes one of a million, billion calculations to go wrong, and then
something as mindnumbingly inexplicable as docu-soap television can thrive.
GOD - I do, however, find time to get out once in a while. I usually unwind by creating
Horsehead Nebulas. Not much of a hobby, I grant you, but MY greatest pleasure of this last
Millennia was seeing images captured from the Hubble Telescope being described as works of
art. And, Kareoke...
...is something else I enjoy. There is nothing like belting out good old Frank Sinatra
numbers after a hard day fiddling with a faulty Black-Hole. Oh... I also like to have the
occasional drink...
GOD - Well I never. Temperance is something of a motto of mine...
Monsy - Has there ever been a time when you wished you were not God? If so when and why?
GOD - I am quite happy with MY current occupation. However, I can't deny that of late,
it seems to be more of a caretaker role, than a creative challenge. The only time I wished I
wasn't God, was the time I inadvertently knocked several populated planets into a black hole,
whilst reaching for the milk on my metaphysical doorstep. After one of MY rather infrequent
nights out.
Monsy - Lastly, I know you are probably not likely to answer this question, but it has
to be asked... What is the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything?
upper atmosphere, small furry rodents curl up into a tighter balls in their burrows, ships at
sea begin to lose touch with basic principles of gravity, small frail nuns cackle safe in the
knowledge of their invulnerability*
GOD - Hmmm... Funnily enough, I knew this one was coming. It's just the kind of the
sappy question someone working for Mr. Adams would try to tease a deity with. Look, I could
tell you, but you wouldn't be happy. Honestly, most people who discover that they have lived a large
portion of their lives in completely the wrong fashion tend to go a little bit potty. Now I
know, dealing with someone like yourself, that is probably not so much of a leap as others,
but I owe it to everyone else to let people find it out piece by piece...
But don't worry, I won't hold any grudge against you, for your impertinence in asking...
with a quill at hand.*
GOD - Anyway, I must be off...Do stop around sometime for tea if you're passing my
way...
half-empty decanter...*
