I was asked by 'Uncle Sam' to locate the missing 'Fenny Fish' which I had read about in the Post, and heard mentioned weeks ago on my first visit to the Guide. The investigation was short, and I was unimpressed with the solution. Which is why, for your convenience, I have posted two solutions to the mystery: 'What Really Happened' and 'What Should've Happened.'
Believe whichever story you wish to.
Simply put, pictures cannot be removed from 'Geocities' sites.
Unfortunately, that is where the fish were being kept. For those of you who want more, read on!
After asking several people about the case, I found these responses to be the most interesting and relevant to the case. (I reserve the right to misquote anyone I choose. So there!)
Peta: Fish? What fish?
Uncle Sam: Just having a fish on my page doesn't mean I'm a suspect.
TV's Frink: Okay, you twisted my arm. Bluebottle did it!
Bluebottle: I didn't do it, but I wouldn't be surprised if they wound up in the sewer. Nearly everything else does.
The Post: Lack of stories? No.
Mayor Fenchurch M. Mercury: I wasn't eating that lemon an' mint dinner just now!
Well, after listening to these responses, and carefully weighing my options, I went into the sewers on a hunch and in my second best tux. (You know, the one with the little smudge of ketchup on the back.) I found the solution: there was a gigantic telepathic goldfish controlling the minds of the Fenny Fish, as well as a few researchers who were unwilling and unknowing accomplices! This giant goldfish was apprehended, and now sits in a fishbowl behind my desk. The researchers who were being controlled shall not be named to protect their innocence... but their initials are Bluebottle and Mayor Mercury. Please, they are innocent, and didn't know what they were doing. Give 'em a break, okay?
Since I didn't actually find the missing fish, I will reduce the size of my bill by fifty percent. Okay, now that I've done that, I take into consideration that I solved it twice, so my bill price is doubled. Now, add the expenses, and I am owed three hundred and ninety-seven jelly donuts. Have them delivered to my office. Thank you.