h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

There was once this dog called Toby whose owner was the landlord of this small country pub. Everybody loved little Toby as he would wander around the pub and sit next to people, curl up and fall asleep.

Anyway, one day Toby died and everyone in the pub was devastated so the landlord decided to keep Toby's tail and hang it on a plaque above the bar. Meanwhile in heaven Toby is at the gates of doggy heaven talking to St. Peter, "I'm sorry" Peter said "but I'm afraid we can't let you in without your tail". So Toby goes back to earth to retrieve his tail.
Late at night the landlord and his wife are in bed and they start to hear this howling "That sounds like Toby" said the landlord "I'll just pop down stairs and have a look". The landlord creeps down the stairs to be confronted by the ghost of Toby, the landlord said " Toby your dead what are you doing here" "Well" said Toby "I can't get into heaven unless I have my tail, can I have it back". The barman thinks for a minute and says " sorry I'm afraid I can't give you your tail back as the regulars will miss it and...." Toby interupts "AND WHAT". "Well, said the landlord "Your in a pub and I'm afraid we can't retail spirits afer midnight".

A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman " Can I have a pint of beer, a white wine spritzer and ..........." the barman says " Why the big pause".

A thoroughly-married man managed to elude his wife and slip off to a neighborhood emporium, where he promptly asked for a pitcher of Martinis.
"You mean a glass, don't you?" the bartender asked.
The customer looked enraged: "Now you're beginning to sound like my wife."

These two guys come out of a bar. The first squints up at the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?" The second guy says, "I don't know, I don't live around here."