h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

~a troop of elite Dog soldiers silently infiltrates the Library on the pretext of looking for books on military history~

~working feverishly they take down all the books on Cats and barricade all the entrances with them, leaving loopholes for the various light weapons secreted about their persons. All cheesecakes in the vicinity are sequestered for use by the forces of the Anti-Cat Federation ~

~they post a notice on the outside of the library reading `CLOSED DUE TO HOSTILITIES`~

OK, that's IT, you NAZIS!!! YOU DO NOT HARM BOOKS!!!

THIS MEANS WAR NOW!!!

::snaps her fingers and bookshelves fall on hundreds of the soldiers, breaking their necks, backs, legs, et all, and killing most and severely injuring the rest::

Sorry it has to be this way...

~looks at the mess on the floor and notes that all the destruction was caused by Dragonfly. Shakes head sadly~

There was no need for that - no book has been harmed. The library is stilled closed until you either surrender or withdraw your support for the Cats. We`re already at war and it doesn't bother us.

~administers first aid to squad~

HEH!!! You should never invade a library, especially NOT when I'm involved!!!

I DID suggest that I withdraw my support in the war---that was the first action I took when you started to storm the Musehome!!!... but you ATTACKED my Musehome anyway!!!

And now you have defaced educational property...

Don't MAKE me call the Titans...

Didn't - only started to chase you. We were just temporarily occupying the place and asked for calm. You can still come quietly you know.

Heh... why's your story so different from mine!??

I don't believe you needed to show your military might to get me to co-operate and stop supplying the Cat House with my goods and services. A simple letter would have done fine, but no!!! You come here with that clipboard and a silly Jackboot militia!!!!!!

AHA!!! Having read the first post of invasion and the Musehome, I see why our stories are so different!!!

I copy and PASTE your OWN WORDS:
~A series of pre-emptory commands ring out and various Muses are taken as hostages. A large shaggy Red Dog is seen with a megaphone~


YOU TOOK MY BABIES HOSTAGE!!!!

Innocent, nice and calm, my sweet bippy!!!

Look - here's how I feel about things.

1. There`s a War going on against the Cats.
2. We're not Nazi's we don`t burn books we fight Cats.
3. As far as I know in warfare it`s not considered normal practice to send letters to each other.
4. We`re an army - we don`t do the letter writing thing. I don't think we even own a pen between us.
5. We do do the invasion and fighting thing - armies are good at that.
6. We deliberately took care of the books - they were not defaced and apart from you tipping them all on the floor they are in good shape. We only moved the cat books and nothing else.

So far no books have been hurt - I`d prefer that it stays that way.

You went out of your way to support our enemies who have inflicted casualties on us - they killed rambling who is now a - that ghastly deed might have come from the ammo you supplied them or one of your plans. I can forgive but we were slighted first - you need to recant, pay penance whatever. We will go after that - a nice bed has been prepared for you at A626654 you need only turn up there for ONE NIGHT as a symbolic gesture and all will be well. I might even devote the ACF for musehome defence in the future if you play ball with us.

We wish you and the Musehome to remain neutral in the Cat War but actions to date have not generally been in that direction. We need proof - evidence of good faith. Go to A626654 - it will work out well for us all. You could even put a note at the Musehome that the Cats anbd Dogs have agreed that the Musehome is neutral territory.

You have the ability to bring back peace and harmony if you wish.

...But, truth be told, a dog nearly bit my eye out of my head when I was five years old... I have a right not to like dogs!!!

I have to think about this...

Perfectly acceptable right not to like Dogs - no problemo do not want to remove that right. Perfectly acceptable right to like Cats - no problemo ditto. Active participation in conflict ... hmmmmm. Can`t ignore that.

You have to be mother to us all - no choice. Motherlove should overide everything. Part of your brood [the bit you don`t like ] has been hurt ..... shouldn`t hurt anymore.

True, but you didn't clean your room.

Well try cleaning this up Dragonfly

~urinates over all the books then for good measure gets out flamethrower and makes a book flambe from the library. Throws a couple of handgrenades in for good measure. Finishes off library by defacing room with anti-muse and anti-cat messages~

Nothing remains but remains

You've destroyed all of Homer's works except for The Odyssey. You'll pay big. B**tard.

Not that it changes things, but:

The library can be rebuilt. All the contents of all the books
were preserved in three formats: on microfilm, on CD-ROM,
and online. The online version is available in many places,
including Heaven's computer system, which is tamper-proof
and almost unbelievably free from breakdowns, viruses,
and glitches. God knows how to get the best.

WHAT WHAT!??? YAY!!!

(Love your work at the Musehome, by the way... )

I am sorry about the casualities, then, Red Dog...

::sigh::