h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*walks in wearing gorgeous little black dress, heels clicking on the floor*
*lights a candle and places flowers next to the growing pile*
*absolutely does not check her reflection in a stained glass window*
*takes a seat in a pew and reflects that she wishes she could be here on Friday...*

*hugs Tweetie*
He'll know you were here, hon.
*sniffs*

*The Chapel is cold. Soon it will be warmed by both sun and more guests. Kes pushes against the oak door, and enters. Every breath condenses in the still air. A borrowed black tie sits uncomfortably with a country check shirt and cord trousers. Kes walks up the aisle, pausing at the chancel for a hesitant nod, scarcely noticing the others already there. Covering his mouth with a loose fist, he coughs softly.*

Good morning, er .. your Lordship ... I just popped by for a minute.

*He looks at the coat of arms constructed in stained glass in the centre of the East window. Sunlight shines through, picking out the stone floor in shades of red, silver and yellow ... blood, ermine and gold, as a Herald would have named those colours.*

Lord MK ... I suppose titles aren't so important now ... it's a great leveller, isn't it?
No, not that ... life, I mean ... life's a great leveller. Look at us, for example.

*From the roof above the chancel, four carved wooden archangels stare impassively down .... watching ... observing. A small scaffolding platform marks the location of a fifth carving ... recently removed.*

Yea, look at us... both thought we'd made a success of things, didn't we? Both ready to settle ... both, in a sense, left waiting at the church. In your case - here you are - abandoned at the altar ... literally.

Look - I might not be staying for the service, if you don't mind - not much good at that sort of thing - but I'll be here for a while.

*Shuffles his feet in embarrassment, and coughs again.*

No flowers ... I didn't bring any - don't know what you wanted, but I don't like cut flowers. I think flowers should be left in a warm, sunny corner of the garden ... not in a cold, dark corner of a chapel.

*A minute's silent thought.*

Look - I came to say thanks ... a couple of things ...well, for the Manor, in a way ... Things almost worked out here for me and .... well, you know, don't you? ... but more than that - thank you for Poco Island. That was a magic place - made some good friends there ... so thanks.

*Takes a small book from his pocket and puts it down on the polished wood.*

Better than flowers - I noticed you liked reading. It's a copy of Finnigan's Wake - you'll have plenty of time to get through it ... and, where you are, you'll get to know what the thunder said, won't you?

Yes ... right ... that's it. See you on the other side.

*Kes turns, walks back down the aisle, andtakes a seat with the others,*

*an Archangel's wings flutter*

*Returns to the chapel feeling inebriated and strangely at peace. Checks out the jewelry on the other people. Sits next to someone wearing a diamond-studded gold watch...

Well, just because she's no longer stealing from the lord doesn't mean other people aren't fair game *

*Lou Reed comes in to perform "You'll Know You Were Loved" from the Friends soundtrack, and ends up channeling the late lord for the rendition*

* The Chapel door opens once again - a messenger enters, carrying several intriguing pots with flowers. Everyone stops for a moment to watch as he walks slowly up the aisle. Tears fall from all eyes as they remembered...

*Kes observes that they plants - several of them - all in pots - are tropical orchids.... beautiful, rare, delicately perfumed ...velvet, pastel-coloured petals. With a hollow feeling, he realises they could only have come from one person. It was good of her to consider MK ... Kes relieved that he is not involved any more.*

* The messenger was a mournful soul, and he became even sadder when he noticed that the people here were really sorry Lord MK was no longer really present - just a nice, friendly ghost.

* He left the flowers near the altar rail - then noticed an envelope.
He tried to read it, but didn't understand a single word.

"It's foreign,"

* he said *

"can anyone read this?"

He left in a sorrowful hurry.

*Kes would very, very much rather not read the message. Since reading the previous note from PE, he determined not to make contact, nor even to read any further messages (if any were to come). He looks away, hoping that someone else will volunteer. No one does. The person next to him elbows him. he shakes his head, another insistent elbow ... the push of duty over desire.*

(I think MK should hear the message - whatever it is - so I will read it .... but never again, never again.)

*Kes stands, walks to the front of the Chapel and picks up the message. He remembers another message, now creased and smudged from much handling ... slowly, he opens this message ......

Então, meu jovem e brilhante Lord MK, as notícias
de sua morte tem algum fundamento? Não posso crer!

Todos nós sentiremos falta de sua bondade, de seu
sorriso, de suas composições bem-humoradas.

Quero agradecer muito pela Ilha, - e por todas as
suas criações. Sempre pudemos sentir que você
tinha colocado seu coração, -- além de sua tremenda
energia naquelas suas criações geniais e irreverentes.

A minha estória na sua Mansão não terminou muito bem,
mas sua presença continuou a iluminar a todos.
Você sempre terá a minha gratidão - e sei que,
esteja onde você estiver, seus dons de criatividade
sempre serão bem empregados.

Será que este foi um triste final? Acho que não.
É apenas sinal de um recomeço. Confio que, onde
você estiver agora, encontrará o caminho certo.

*Kes looks up from the note, and faces the congregation*

Er, .. it's a message from Peaceful ... for MK ... I'll translate for you ... sorry if I'm a bit slow. Here goes:

"So, my young and brilliant Lord Mk - the news of your death was true, in some ways? I can't believe it!

We will all miss your kindness, your smiles, and your good humoured (?) compositions

I'd like to thank you very much for the Island and for all your creations. We could always feel that you had 'put' your heart - along with your tremendous energy, in those brilliant and irreverent creations.

ut' your heart - along with your tremendous energy, in those brilliant and irreverent creations.

My story in your Mansion didn't end very well, but your presence continued to 'illuminate' everyone. You will always have my gratitude - and I know that, wherever you are, your creative gifts will always be well applied.

Can it be that this has been an unhappy ending? I don't think so. It is only the sign of a new beginning. I trust that, wherever you are now, you will be able to find the right path."

*Kes puts the note with the orchids, and clears his throat*

I think that's right ...

*He resumes his seat.*

*slips in unnnoticed in the back of the chapel, wearing the unlikely combination of a Roman toga and black arm band.*

Did the Lord have an heir?

It would probably be in bad taste to ask...

*Although she wasn't at the Manor long enough to form a lasting attachment to the recently departed, takes out hanky and wipes a tear gently from her cheek*

*Kes whispers to Tashalls:*

I messed that up a bit - read some of it twice. Couldn't see it clearly ... can't think why.

*He wipes his eyes on a convenient bit of toga, but decides against blowing his nose*

Thanks. Did you bring any flowers?

Go right ahead, this material doesn't show stains (amazing what the Romans did with materials)

*pats Kes' back while he is wiping tears away with toga*

I did bring some Proteas and blue gum, they're here somewhere...

*looks under pew*

ahhh, here they are, lovely, lovely colours...

*places them by the others, then resumes seat*

Good choice - he'd like those "native" flowers. I bet you got them for the bathroom, originally.

(Thinks: What a place to be talking about decorating bathrooms.)

*Proffers a hip flask, and raises an eyebrow*

Actually, no - although great idea - do you think natives could withstand the wear and tear of bathroom use and abuse?

*agrees with Kes that natives are appropriate, considering the late Lord MK, was a "native" of this country himself*

*takes hip flask, sips furtively*

*coughs and splutters not so furtively*

what was that?

*hands back flask to Kes.

*Kes checks the container, then blushes in confusion. Prior to the funeral, he had been cleaning his ancient car. This was a bottle of chrome cleaner ... mind you, it doesn't smell too bad ... but no ..*

Sorry - wrong one.

*Pats Tashalls on the back, until the choking subsides. Produces correct hip flask, takes a sample swig, and nods*

This one's OK - only vodka - sorry - no trimmings - doesn't smell suspicious. We can always slip out to the Bar, if you'd rather ... this show will run for a while, I think.

*still spluttering somewhat, nods, and slips out form the back pew*

*GB enters the quiet chapel wearing her best french maid's uniform, freshly presses, demurely longer than normal.
Her little black slip showing a hem of black lace, just for the Lord...
*GB places her flowers at the alter, curtseys, then goes to light a candle.
She turns and sees Mina, dabbing her eyes.
*GB takes her seat next to Mina & they hug.
Tears roll unchecked down GB's face, Saint Kes offers her a hanky.
GB blows her nose and passes it back.
With a watery smile she manages to say
"Thank you"

* A presence swirls around the chapel looking down at the gathered people and thinks of 'times'... *

* Something lingers on the wind along the lines of... *

Thanks...

* Then the presence heads towards the white light thinking rather enigmatically 'What an anti-climax...' *

M.K*