h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

PS If things get really desperate you could mug the old lady for her umbrella - as long as you didn't hurt her, apologised and returned her umbrella as soon as you have saved enough to buy a good quality one of your own.

I'm just back from my local branch of Umbrellas 'R' Us (recently merged with Torch-U-Like, what a stroke of luck). They do have a combined umbrella and torch, but it's sold out, so I gave them my mobile number and they're going to call me when it's back in stock.

.......Oops.

I don't know which has distressed me most - the fact that you fibbed about your mobile going in a vat of acid (or even worse, perhaps you ran out and bought a new one!) or that you actually shop in any store called 'something' R US.
I have to contemplate this in depth and for a considerable length of time - it has affected my whole outlook on life.

It's okay, all the members of staff in Umbrellas 'R' Us actually are walking, talking umbrellas, so although it's a crap name, it is at least factually accurate.

Of course, since the merger, they're now rebranding all their shops as "U Like R Umbrellas 'n' Us' Torches"... a much more sensible name, I think you'll agree.

Okay, I can accept the Umbrellas R Us story, but what about the mobile?

I'm not that easily distracted, you know.

Ah yes, the mobile, um... Oh look! A huge whelk wearing a fez has just gone past on a motorised skateboard, whilst singing selections from "West Side Story".

The brain is the control centre for the entire body and if it's missing or terminally diseased it has a definite tendency to be incompatible with life. So in comparison with bits such as the hand and hip which perform necessary, but slightly lesser functions, I guess that having cancer of the hip or hand might be marginally preferable. One solution might be to grow a second head, like Zaphod, but that's probably beyond most mere mortals. Alternatively, one could invest in a pager and get a BT chargecard working on the premise that one is never that far from a 'phone and are all the calls really that urgent? Seems to be that many employers just hand them out to keep tabs on their employees, but perhaps I'm just a cynic. In the car, with a hands-free and the antennae pointing well away from anyone apparently 98% of the exposure to radiation is reduced. Must dash - the mobile's playing that pretty little tune again [joke]!

Did you notice if the whelk had a mobile phone as well? If he had a motorised skateboard he may have been on his way back from mugging some old lady, viz-a-viz our earlier conversation. The fez was probably a disguise and you should use your MOBILE to report all of this to plod.

I'm confused - are you saying that the whelk mugged the old lady for her motorised skateboard? Anyway, since the tank of acid incident (ahem), I tried to use my desk phone to report the events, but Mr Plod's mobile wasn't switched on. Aaaaaaaaaand we're back on topic.

Errr.... like the mobile was made by Dr. Marten's and was therefore acid proof...

Telepathists would have call waiting of course, all that sill y talk about interpreters and multi-channelling.... conference telepathy would be an altogether different proposal!

98% of radiation transmitted from the antenna... err... ermmm.. was that in the cellnet or vodafone manual? or was it in the Orange directory, or One to One's? Hello! Have you seen what shielding a microwave oven uses to stop cooking us? and you reckon, really, honestly, that the lickle bitty microwaves are gonna crawl up the antenna and 'fly away...' ? Come on! we're all getting fried and Lead suits are the only way forward!!!!!

Hah hah hahh hahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Wouldn't we all get lead poisoning from the suits?

no no no, that's a vicious rumour put about by the anti-lead foundation.

seroiusly? you mean those ruthless bastards responsible for the disappearance of lead guitars?
May they rot in hell!