h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ever notice the increasing number of tortured souls walking the walk while talking the talk - apparently to noone in particular? Well, since everybody and his sister have got a mobile nowadays, the only way it can actually be made to look cool is by using it with a headset, possibly in airports or busy sidewalks (not on the beach, though, since concealing the mobile phone in the swimming trunks would look utterly uncool). The headsets are quite useful if you have a cellular phone but can't be bothered actually holding it. Van Gogh would have loved them - they are one-eared, and they make lonesome ramblers shine with newfound dignity.

Now, I use a mobile phone. Not really by choice. Well I did by one by choice a couple of years ago but then cancelled it. But I now have a work phone, which I try not to use. But have to. But the thing is that it is useful in my job -cause I spend all my time 'on-site' and my friends and I need to keep in touch -sometimes I use it for work too. - but it makes me hot. My head I mean, it makes my head hot. so I guess the option is to go for one of the aforementioned 'hands-free' kits. But apart from the fact that I hate hands-free kits I wonder whether cancer of the hip/hand is better than cancer of the brain - can anyone advise?

Hmmm, tricky one... I suppose it depends on whether you prefer everyone staring at you because you're using a mobile phone, or because you appear to be wandering around talking to yourself.

I'd actually prefer neither. Errr, the novelty of having a phone wore off after work realised they could contact me at any time and the new novelty of work paying the bill wore off when I realised how much I use(d) the flippin thing!

I think Telepathy is the way forward, but I hear they don't offer that many free minutes and you can't contact other networks very easily.....

I think telepathy would be even worse, because they could contact you whenever they wanted. At least you can "accidentally" forget to switch the phone on... switching your brain off is a much more complicated exercise, and is usually permanent.

I must disagree that switching one's brain off is usually permanent. I personally have met a number of people who appear to be brain dead when you try and have a reasonable conversation with them, but as soon as you say 'Want to go to the pub' or 'Would you like another drink/smoke' their eyes light up (almost) and they start responding in an articulate and stimulating way. I suppose the problem with telepathy for those people is the probability of a message coming in when they are 'switched on' so to speak, and of course there is the added factor of them getting so 'switched on' by the aforementioned drink/smoke etc, that they lose their articulate and stimulating communication lines totally and just start falling about the place vomiting.
Then again, they would probably have another complete set of problems which would impact on their use of a mobile phone - hands free or otherwise.
Much food for thought here I think.

Well, of course I made the assumption that you'd be expected to have your brain switched on at all times, as with a phone. With telepathy, would you only be able to carry on one telepathic conversation at a time, like phone calls, or would everyone be able to contact you simultaneously? That could get dangerously confusing.

I suppose if you were really good at telepathy (and I assume here that like any other skill, sport, etc the more you practice the better you would get) you could have telepathic conference calls where you could hear from a number of people at once. Of course it would be a problem if some members of the conference line were not as skilled as others, because then you would have the ones who could take lots of messages at once(perhaps known as the teleathletics) and the less skilled (perhaps known as the telepathetics) who could only handle one message at a time on the same line. At a time like that one would have to assume that a telepathic equivalent of a babel fish would be required to ensure that everyone understood everything. But then it wouldn't be too telepathically correct to use an interpreter would it? or would it?

My brain hurts now. If you were particularly skilled at telepathy, couldn't you send and receive just the thoughts themselves, without having to translate them into words of any particular language?

Yes, as any old telepath will tell you, thoughts in any language are understood perfectly. The reason a telepathetic would need an interpreter would be so that a number of simultaneous incoming messages could be sorted and channelled so as to be correctly understood. Without an interpreter, the messages received by a telepathetic would be completely jumbled and so would not make sense!! Perhaps your head hurts because you're trying to receive too many messages at once from h2g2 or perhaps its something to do with using mobile phones. You are a user, I assume - just be careful and don't OD.

I am a recreational user, that is to say, I never switch it on unless I'm making a call, which I feel obliged to do every so often since I get a certain amount of free calls every month. Therefore I don't think I'm likely to OD, unless Cellnet decides I should have 720 hours' worth of free calls every 30 days. It would be rude not to use them, wouldn't it? (Look, we're almost back on topic!)

I've heard people say 'I'm just a recreational user' before (before they become a hard-core addict, that is). It is never, repeat never!! rude to refuse something which could do you damage, so you had better watch out. Cellnet would offer you 720 hours of free calls just to get you addicted to the mobile, then they'd cut off your supply as soon as beep you!!
Without some serious treatment in your local telephone booth you would soon be reduced to selling your ... whatever you had to sell ... just to pay the phone bill. The early warning signs are there already - that headache is not a telepathic telling off, it is probably a mobile mauling or a Cellnet scan trap!

Yes! I' ve seen the light! I shall take my mobile and throw it into a huge vat of acid, and I urge others to do the same. Then I'll just start taking drugs instead.

No, no, no you haven't seen the light, all you've done so far is found the light switch.
To see the light, you need to reach out to as many people as possible and spread the word. You need to submit a page on this very subject to h2g2, so others can realise the danger they are in. (By this stage you will have worked out which way is 'on' and which way is 'off' for the light switch) Only after this can you move on to operating the light switch.
To operate the light switch you need to spread the word even further by going out amongst the multitude and turning phones into wine, talking to the 5,000 with just a loaf of bread and a couple of mangy, smelly old sardines to catch their attention. It would probably work quite well down to local pub actually, and then you could see the light by checking out any likely prospects for a training regime which will take them from telepathetic to teleathletic. Then, and only then, will the full glory of the light be revealed to you and you can bask in the beam of the light forever - with or without drugs as you prefer.

Do I have to? It sounds like a lot of work.

Nope! I've had a better idea. If you've still got the mobile, take it to a pawnbrokers or a second hand shop and swap it for a torch - one with rechargeable batteries preferably.

Oh, but I threw the mobile into that large vat of acid I was talking about before. What now?

If you had a large vat of acid to hand in case you saw the light and wanted to mutilate the mobile you are obviously someone who plans ahead for a rainy day. So get some of the money you have put aside to pay your next year's worth of mobile phone bills and BUY a torch with rechargeable batteries - YES, A BRAND NEW ONE you deserve it.

Right, that's this forum back in the "Five busiest" list.

Ahem. But what if it rains? I'll have to sacrifice the quality of umbrella I buy because I extravagently spent some of the money on a torch. Unless you know of a model of umbrella with a torch built in?

Yes, I noticed that too - we could move anything we fancied to five busiest list if we had a notion - and if I wasn't about to sign off.

Regarding your need for an umbrella and the possible lack of funds to purchase same due to your need for a torch with rechargeable batteries. At this moment in time I am unable to solve this problem for you. Now don't rush off and mug an old lady for her mobile phone just because I have let you down at a crucial moment - old ladies don't have mobile phones, they don't know how to use them and none of their friends have them anyway!
What we, sorry you, need to do is seek assistance elsewhere and I would suggest finding a 007 site within h2g2. I am sure that M will have developed a brolly with a beam - very useful for old Jimmy when he has to walk through a puddle of acid on a wet night - particularly a puddle of acid which contained old mangled bits of mobile phone, he could inadvertently tread on the 'beeping' bit and give the whole game away.
Yes, on due consideration, I think its time you branched out and sought some help from others, starting with Jimmy and M. Remember, stay strong - I am not deserting you, just getting on to a spot of work I should have done about three hours ago.
Keep me advised on the brolly with a beam, I'll check it out tomorrow.