h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Its not you ....its me.
I need some space.
We can still be friends.
My best friend needs me more at the moment.
I'm not ready for a serious relationship.
I ought to spend more time with my (mother,father,sister,brother,children)
We just don't seem to be communicating.
Its not that I don't like you............

Any more?

I feel that our relationship has reached a dead end / isn't going anywhere
You're not ready for a serious relationship
It's not that I don't love you, I'm just not in love with you *vomit*
etc. etc.

I'm sorry, but I fell out of love with you.

Maybe we could try again in a few years (yeah right)

We make better friends.

I almost forgot the prelude to just about all these,

"We need to talk."

But you're Capricorn with rising moon, we're just not compatible

How about sending the famous 'Dear John' letter?
Actually most people now do it by e-mail.
God can you imagine....its 2.30pm and you are in the middle of producing some really bi g report when you decide to just check on your e-mail.....
Thats awful and really cowardly.
However I must admit to having sent a Dear John before....the guy would just not take no for an answer.He even got his mother to phone me and beg me to take him back!Now you see why I wanted to dump him!!
30 something and still ruled by his mum!!

That's pretty scary when a guy needs his mom to ask girls to date him.
You might be justified in the "Dear John" letter.

Yep I think so too.
I've thought of another excuse...

I think we need some time apart......without contact.

I was once dumped by a girlfriend because, "We don't fight enough."
I thought that was odd until she said after we broke up she told me that her new relationship is great, and when her new boyfriend gets pissed at her, he just hits her. "Why didn't you ever do that?"

I never justified that question with an answer.

That poor lady has a very serious problem and very low self esteem.
If any man as much as laid a finger on me in a hostile way you wouldn't see me for dust or I would give them a good hiding myself!

Who would WANT to be beaten up?????

That's what I thought. I was brought up to always treat a woman with respect and hitting a woman was the lowest thing a guy could do.
The weird thing is I never knew she felt this way while we were dating (2 1/2 years). Yeah she was a bit of an odd-ball but who isn't?

At what point in a relationship do you turn to your partner and say:

"Honey I think we should beat the s**t out of each other. That would realy help us with our relationship"

"You're just not the one for me." - Used this one several months ago... sounds so much nicer than "You're dumber than a box of tissues and I can't stand to be around you anymore."

This one was a pretty good "on the spot" type thing. She was making plans to quit her job and move in with her aunt some distance away to finish her master's program, and she said
- You can't be my boyfriend if I move in with my aunt.
- I think we already established that.
She doesn't call me anymore, so I think she caught the hint.

The one that always works is - sorry but my wife has found out about us!

A: Do you really love me?
B: No!
A: But do you really love me?
B: No.
A: Is there someone else?
B: Silence
A: Is it my sister?
B: NO!!!
A: Then who?
B: Actually it's you ex boyfriend.

True story.

* I need to experience life. (life = not you)
* I don't want to be a burden on you anymore.
* I think we should both see other people.
* I've taken a vow of celibacy.
* I've been having an affair... for a *really* long time.
* I'd like a go at the other gender now.

Never ever say you are celibate, having an affair, or changing your sexual orientation identity unless you *really are*. Your ex is bound to find out, and you could ruin your friendship with them and/or one of your future romances.

As for the girl who prefers getting hit by her boyfriend, she must either be a masochist or have huge self-esteem issues. Either way, a psychologist is probably in order. There are easier ways to experience pain/feel bad about yourself.

* You're a compulsive liar.
* I can't trust you.

We're just not on the same intellectual level.
(In other words you are thick!!!!)

My favorite song line for breaking up:

"So I'm leaving, / You can find out how much better things can get."

Dar Williams, As Cool as I Am, from Mortal City