h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am happy to anounce, that we have a guest here tonight, who has gained real fame at the h2g2 sociaty already and is a regular contributress for the Post and who is on top of that, I am very glad to say, here to share a little of her repertoire and play for us. I may say that I think it´s an honour, that you are here with us to-? (day, night?). May I ask for a big round of applause, please, for Fragilis the Melodical!

*This is starting to make fun, running a pub!*

*blush*

Thanks for the wonderful introduction, Englander.

* Grinning widely, I play the Minute Waltz in a dazzling and incomprehensible 45 seconds. *

*Then I stand up, open the piano bench, and remove a white cloth. Several piano scores for popular tunes lie beneath the cloth. I wipe my brow with the cloth, and put it back inside the bench. I close the bench and sit back down.*

Luckily, virtual reality provides me with the opportunity to play any song ever scored for piano -- along with several that have not been, but which I can muddle through anyway. Do I hear any requests?

A pianoversion of the Pink Panther?

Heh heh. What a great theme song, eh? Personally, I feel the theme songs accounts for at least 2/3 of the Pink Panther's coolness. The rest is just window dressing.

*I crack my wrists. Then I begin with a light beat using a few of the highest notes on the piano. *

ching
ching ka-ching
ching ka-ching
ching ka-ching

* As I continue with the beat, I add a melody played by the left hands in the middle lower register. *

( ching ka-ching
ba-dump ba-dump)
ba-dump ba-dump ba-dump
ba-dump da daaaaaaaah
di dee da-da-dah

*At this point, the left hand skips down to the lowest octave on the piano. The right hand drops down to seemlessly take over the melody. *

(do doop do doop
ba-dump ba-dump)
(doop) ba-dump ba-dump ba-dump
ba-dump dee daaaaaaaah!
(d d d d) di dee da-da-dah!

* Now the piano comes alive with a series of complex chords carried through with both the left and right hands. This section is played very loud, and I stand up from the bench to get enough leverage to play it properly. *

tweeee dee dah dee dah dah
bwadaah bwadaah bwadaah bwadaah
dwa da-da bloooowaaaaah

*I let this chord fade away. I am halfway between standing and sitting now. Then I replay the phrase a little softer*

dwa da-da blooowaaaaah

*The chord hovers again. I sit back down on the bemch. The last iteration of the phrase is soft and somewhat slower*

dwa da-da blauwaaaah

* This hovers in the air just long enough to really enjoy the last chord. Then I pick my hands up from the piano for a moment of silence. Two quick chords played with my hands on the highest and lowest registers finish it off *

Bump! Bump!

The crowd goes wild!!!!

More, more they shout.....

*Picking up my gituar I play a chord*

Twang!

Dum DUm DUM

Dum DUm Di DUM

Dum DUm DUM

-pause- DUm DUm

Smowwk on se waaa-tah- Feya in se skahyyyy

*Ploing*

Oh, hell! Ruddy strings!

Doh! I hate it when that happens.

*Engländer goes and takes his cardboardroll-didgeridoo*

Wroooooooowaowooooooooooooooooooowowoooooooooooooo wa wa wooooooooooooooooooorooooooorrrrrrrrrrrororororororororo wa wa

Now there'ssomething we can all sing along to.......!!!???

...and everybody now:

" Wroooooooowaowooooooooooooooooooowowoooooooooooooo wa wa
wooooooooooooooooooorooooooorrrrrrrrrrrororororororororo wa wa"

Wroooof. Wrrrrrooof. Wowooooooowowowowowooooooowooooo

*Engländer sees a kangaroo jumping through the pub*

// noticing Engländer getting a bit pale //

Hey, hey, hey,...don't forget to breathe in, as well as out, when playing the dige....

You'll start seeing things next!

*wroIoooooooooAMooooooooD0INGooooooooooooooooCIRCuuuuuuuuLARoooowooowowowooBReeeeeeeeeTHeeeeeeeeeeengowowooooooowoooo*

*Engländer sees another Pint*

I always thought that the dige had great potential as a straw when it came to drinking, however 2 things always prevented me from realizing my idea:
1. You need a large volume of beer,
2. You need great lung capacity.

The beer volume is not so much a problem as an appropriate container that will fit the dige without toppling over. The lung capacity is unfortunatelly something I will not be able overcome without some genetic reingineering. So I typically run out of breath before any beer reaches my lips. Ahhhhh, so near and yet so far!

And now to something completely different:

Anybody want a scone?

I'm American. What's a scone?
BTW, I don't drink, but I do appreciate atmosphere.
I'm learning alot about UK culture on H2G2.

A scone is a pastry made of selfraising flour, sugar(optional), salt, bakingpowder, egg (optional), milk, butter and baking soda (either compulsory or optional, depending on amount of bakingpowder, baked ot 225°C. You get the best scones in the southwest of England (i.e. Devon or Cornwall) where you put a lot of clotted cream and strawberry jam onto it. One of the best places to have a scone is the Two Bridges in the heart of Dartmoor. They are just wonderful! (And I like the optional raisans in the pastry...)

Clotted cream? We have sour cream and cottage cheese, but clotted cream? We throw that out over here. It makes little globs in your coffee and you know it's bad.

*Walks up to the piano and hands the pianist a "tall one"(UK pint?). Leans over as he is playing and whispers..."
I like the music. Know any blues bands?

A few. You got something in particular in mind?

(I take a couple of swigs from the pint, then put it back on the top of the piano.)

Heh heh. Joe Cocker does this one.

*The song excerpt starts with a simple chord repeatedly melodically at every half beat.*

*dum*bum*bum*bum*bum*bum*bum*bum*
*dum*bum*bum*bum*bum*bum*bum*bum*

Baby take off your coat --
Real slow.

*I'm using a throaty voice, but I don't have Joe Cocker's low range. I'm hoping this comes out wry and funny.*

Baby, take off your shoes.
I'll take off your shoes.

*The piano part breaks into a series of rich chords.*

*Baap!*
*Baa-da-da-daap!*

You can leave your hat on.

*dum*bum*bum*bum*bum*bum*
*Baap!*
*Baa-da-da-daap!*

You can leave your hat on!
You give me reason to live.
You give me reeeeaaaaaasonnn to llliiiiiiiiivvve!

*The piano rhythm gets softer over the next couple of bars, until it disappears.*

*dum*bum*bum*bum*bum*bum*
*dum*bum*bum*bum*bum*bum*bum*bum*
*bum*