h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A breach in police security has allowed my informant to give me this information: Peregrin was recently found to be giving vast quantities of his time and money to good causes, such as giving helpless kittens a home and handing out sweets to homeless children.
If only to make things worse, he has remained non-commital when questioned about his alleged "blood donor scandal" in which he was spotted giving blood - yes, blood, that DISGUSTING red substance which you see coming out of people in violent films - in a so-called "blood donor center" (or "evil genetic posion-o-brewery", as I prefer to call it).


All of these rumors are of course unconfirmed.

Oh my, that _is_ shocking!

I do hope the rumours turn out to be unfounded.
'handing out sweets to homeless children' ?

Considering the rampant poor nutrition among the homeless and their shocking lack of access to quality dental care, this would be a criminal act.

No, I'm sorry... I've had differences with some of Peregrin's political views, but I personally can't believe that these rumours are true. They're just too... vile.

*ahem*
You think _that's_ bad?
What about the supposed private health (and dare I say dental!) care support he was supplying to the homeless and needy free of charge?
It would make Tony Blair and dear Maggie turn in their graves. If they were dead. Or at least suppressed for long enough...

LOL!

Peregrin here's my advice:

Keep up what you're doing
Your instincts are right on target.
But beware of:
Dogs with dandruff! Ewwwwwwwwwwwww, yucky poo!

I could give you some complimentary Head'n'Shoulders For Dogs.

And to reply to the accusations... erm... hmmm.... I have no comment at this time.

Woof! Woof! Woof!

Forget the shoulders big boy, you'll get my vote any day with election promises like that.

Here here!
*The dog rolls over*
Hmm... a bit more training needed...

Sit!

*the dog runs up to Peregrin*

*Peregrin throws stick*

Fetch!

*the dog sits*

Has this dog been hit on the head or something?

No, it's just a smarter than average puppy, and it's sitting there thinking, "You threw the friggin' thing, go and fetch it yourself. Me, I'm just gonna sit here licking my testicles and eying up some nice trees...oh pooperscoopers, I'm female. A dog's life can be such a bitch at times."

*Fetches stick*

*says to self:* Fetch!

*Fetches stick*

Hey, this is fun.

Now try it backwards.

*picks up dog and throws it 30 feet threw the air and shouts at stick*

Fetch. Go on on bough, fetch. There's a good log.

It is just disgusting. Giving money away and even your own blood.
I don't see any profit in doing that sort of thing. It should be forbidden.

I know... as if I'd do something like that. Hrmph.

Personally, I'd find it more troubling if he was giving away MY blood.

Well, you don't think that I'm giving MINE away do you?

Err, these free organ transplants. Do you give people the organs they need or could you end up with an extra kidney when you go in for a heart transplant, and are they of human origin? If so, are they donated voluntarily or does your security chief keep you supplied with ripped out spleens and livers?

The public have a right to know!

I think it would be safer to assume that he meant harmonicas. Where would you like yours?

Oh no note again! Usual place thank you. The airport security guards are beginning to get suspicious about my reasons for triggering their alarms you know.

Still handy things harmonicas. My great uncle Edith was at Balaclava surrounded by 40000 rampaging zulus of the Werrinhellurwe tribe, when suddenly he whipped out his harmonica and started playing the Warsaw concerto. So they killed him first, whilst the rest of the regiment slipped off into the night.