h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In an entry about bullies and bullying, I'm surprised that a recent incident in Colorado has not made an appearance. I've seen talk about walking away, taking self-defense courses, standing up for oneself, and so forth, but no mention of the obvious: blowing stuff up and/or killing people.

The events in Littleton, Colorado have been regarded as singular and unique, but they are not. They were just extraordinarily obvious. My elementary school was burned to the ground twice while I was in attendance there, and it wasn't even in a city. I myself was part of a small group of kids who spent a year planning the best way to blow up the entire secondary school that we attended, and were thwarted by a minor material acquisition problem. We couldn't locate all of the necessary chemicals required to make Nitroglycerine.

I know that Littleton was directed. Oh, of the fifteen people who were killed, I'm sure there were a few innocent bystanders. One that I know of. Most of the dead are people who deserved to die. Those boys had no shortage of arms, or ammunition. They had bombs planted all over the place. They killed themselves, and they left notes to make sure everybody knew they intended to do so. Why did they only kill 15 people, and leave all the bombs unexploded? They could have killed a hundred, or more. They had no reason to fear retaliation, because they intended to kill themselves. So why did they only kill 15 people? Because they killed most of the people that they set out to kill, that's why. They quit because they ran out of targets. They weren't on a random shooting rampage. They set out to kill certain people. It was an execution.

I took courses in Power Mechanics, Wood Shop, and Metal Shop in order to develop skills in how to make weaponry, and I got pretty good at it. In my time, I have fabricated from scratch: daggers, Kanji Sai, Manrikigusari, Nunchaku, Shaken, Shuriken, three-section staffs, bows, triggers, timing mechanisms, and many other weapons. I manufactured most of them for the express purpose of injuring or killing my so-called 'schoolmates'. I studied the use of weapons in detail. When I was manning the pumps late at night at my father's garage, I used to go into the back shop and practice for a couple of hours every night. I became conversant in the use of a vast array of weaponry. I studied many forms of hand-to-hand combat.

In time, I hit puberty. When I hit puberty I filled out. A lot. I went from a shy, chubby little boy who could be safely picked on by anybody to a 180-pound force to be reckoned with. Nature gave me what I could not provide for myself: size. I have not engaged in combat since I was 15. Nowadays, I no longer have any need for it. I weigh 230 pounds. I am skilled in five martial arts. I am conversant in virtually any weapon you can imagine. I know how to make bombs. More important than anything else, though, is that I have learned to look dangerous, and I have learned that it's very difficult to injure me.

Yet, secure in this body that gives me respect that I have earned simply by virtue of size, there is still a shy little boy who used to get picked on visciously. Do you know what that shy little boy wants more than anything? To see any version of himself being picked on, so this 230 pound body can legitimately grab the bully and beat him within an inch of his life. I can't take revenge for myself anymore. The law does not allow it. But I can visit justice on people who deserve it. I just have to catch them in the act.

That's partly cos I'm UK-based - haven't been so many similar incidents round here...

I think there's a lesson in there for all bullies. Push someone a little too hard, and you may find that your head is no longer connected to the rest of your body. Which is possibly not worth the benefits of your "little bit of fun".

The lesson for the people who want to be mass murderers is that if you kill yourselves before you are arrested, then it is a "tragedy". If you let yourself get caught and tried, then it is an "act of evil". It's good to know that the media have got their priorities sorted out then...